In part 1 of this blog series, we saw the challenge of expressing emotions and the shame that can come with it – and how it can impact relationships. Shame doesn’t just silence emotions. It disconnects us from our own needs and from those we love. When we feel shame, we’re less likely to voice our emotional experience. This can make it harder for our partners to understand us or respond to what we truly need. Over time, this can create distance and misattunement in the relationship, even when both people care deeply about one another. Naming shame is the first step toward healing and reconnection.

The first step towards de-shaming emotional experiences is normalizing them. It’s okay to

• feel unsure about what you’re feeling
• need help in naming and expressing emotions
• find certain emotions, like anger or sadness, uncomfortable or even frightening

The goal is not to eliminate difficult emotions. Rather, we want to develop a new relationship with them. One that allows you to recognize, understand, and respond to them in more helpful ways, that bring growth and connection.

What does this mean for couples or individuals? It means creating space for emotions without judgment. Listening to your own/each other’s feelings with curiosity and compassion rather than defensiveness. Replacing criticism with understanding and recognizing that behind every strong emotion is a longing to be seen, heard, valued.

By shifting from shame to self-compassion, couples and individuals can break free from emotional disconnection. The more we learn to identify and express our emotions, the more we can meet our own needs as well as those of our partners. Emotional fluency is not an innate language. It is learned, practiced, and developed over time. Just like any other language! And no matter where you are in your emotional journey, it’s never too late to begin.

Mental health services can provide the tools, space, and support for this process. In therapy, individuals and couples can safely explore their emotional world with the guidance of a therapist. Therapy offers a space to practice identifying feelings, unpack the needs behind them, and work through the shame that may have built up around emotional expression. With time and support, clients can begin to rewrite the narratives they hold about emotions, learn how to respond to each other with empathy, and deepen their emotional connection in lasting ways.

Daniela Levi, MSW, MEd, is a Registered Psychotherapist at CFIR, specializing in individuals, couple and family therapy. Her work focuses on self-awareness and strengthening interpersonal relationships through an attachment-based and emotion-focused approach. With a deep passion for the role of emotions in relational dynamics, Daniela helps clients navigate their inner experiences to build deeper connections with themselves and others. She is currently pursuing her Doctorate in Psychology at the University of Toronto. 

One of the most common struggles I see in couples therapy is the difficulty one or both partners have in identifying and expressing their own emotions. Many people grow up without ever learning how to name or understand their feelings. Emotions are internal signals – our mind and body’s way of letting us know that something important is happening within or around us. They help us make sense of our experiences, guiding our attention to what matters, motivating us to act. In school, we are taught math, science, and history, but rarely are we given the tools to navigate our inner emotional experiences. As a result, emotions can feel foreign, overwhelming, or even scary and dangerous.

Every emotion has a need attached to it. Sadness might signal a need for comfort or connection. Anxiety could be pointing to a need for reassurance or safety. Anger often shows up when a boundary has been crossed, indicating a need for respect or acknowledgment. Yet, when emotions remain unrecognized, so do the needs behind them. This can leave individuals and couples stuck – feeling misunderstood, unheard, and disconnected. 

Barriers to expressing emotions and meeting relational needs

One of the greatest barriers to emotional awareness and growth is shame. Many people have been taught (either directly or indirectly) that emotions are a sign of weakness or irrationality. This is especially true for emotions like anger, which can be labeled as “bad” or “destructive,”. Vulnerability can be seen as something to suppress and hide. The fear of being judged (by oneself or others) can keep us from exploring our emotions with curiosity and compassion. Struggling with emotions is not a personal failure -it’s more common than we realize, and an aspect I often see in my work. If we were never taught how to identify, name and process our feelings, how could we be expected to do so with ease? There is no shame in finding emotions confusing or intimidating. In fact, recognizing this struggle is the first step toward change.

In part 2 of this blog series, we will explore the steps we can take to start de-shaming being in touch with our own emotions, paving the way to more vulnerability and connection with our partner.

 Daniela Levi, MSW, MEd, is a Registered Psychotherapist at CFIR, specializing in individuals, couple and family therapy. Her work focuses on self-awareness and strengthening interpersonal relationships through an attachment-based and emotion-focused approach. With a deep passion for the role of emotions in relational dynamics, Daniela helps clients navigate their inner experiences to build deeper connections with themselves and others. She is currently pursuing her Doctorate in Psychology at the University of Toronto. 

Good communication is key to any successful relationship. It’s not just about talking—it’s about understanding, showing care, and connecting with each other. When partners communicate well, they build a stronger bond and can handle problems more easily.

1. Active Listening: One of the most important skills in communication is really listening. This means focusing on what your partner is saying without thinking about your response while they talk. Show you’re interested by nodding, making eye contact, and saying things like “I understand.” This makes your partner feel valued and helps you understand their feelings better.

2. Expressing Yourself Clearly: It’s important to express your thoughts and feelings in a clear way. Use “I” statements to share how something makes you feel, like “I feel upset when…” instead of saying “You always…” This helps avoid arguments and encourages honest conversations.

3. Non-Verbal Communication: Communication isn’t just about words. How you act—your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice—also matters. Being aware of these can help you understand each other better and show that you’re sincere.

4. Being Empathetic: Try to understand things from your partner’s point of view. Showing empathy helps close emotional gaps and makes your partner feel safe in the relationship. When people feel understood, they are more likely to share their feelings.

Good communication helps create a healthy relationship. By listening carefully, speaking clearly, being aware of body language, and showing empathy, you can build a stronger and more supportive partnership.

The experienced team at CFIR can help you work on and improve communication in your relationships by providing a safe space for couples to express their thoughts and feelings, fostering deeper understanding, empathy, and conflict resolution skills.

Riley Cheskes, R.P., is a compassionate and experienced Registered Psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples to foster emotional well-being and personal growth. With a warm, empathetic approach, Riley creates a safe and supportive environment where clients can explore their thoughts, feelings, and relationships. Specializing in issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship struggles, life transitions, parenting, post-partum, and self-esteem, Riley utilizes evidence-based therapeutic techniques tailored to each client’s unique needs, including but not limited to psychodynamic, emotion focussed, and attachment based therapies. Whether you’re seeking to improve communication in your relationship or navigate personal challenges, Riley is committed to helping you achieve lasting change.

Natalie Guenette, M.A., R.P.

What does it mean to be in a healthy relationship? Many elements are important in a relationship, such as open communication and reciprocity. The Ontario Psychological Association suggests that “when our relationships are strong, we’re more resilient in the face of stress and hardship. But when our relationships are fraught, we are more likely to experience anxiety, depression and maladaptive coping behaviours” (The psychology of relationships: Connections for better well-being, 2023). 

The Crisis and Trauma Research Institute (CTRI) identifies 5 elements to a healthy relationship. Let’s explore them.

1. Respect
2. Boundaries
3. Sharing of power
4. Guidelines on conflict management
5. Adaptability and flexibility

Respect

In relationships, respect is about allowing each member to be as they are. It is about accepting their personality, individuality, unique opinions, thoughts and feelings and recognizing that everyone has a right to express themselves. Respect is about holding space for differences to exist; despite the discomfort this can create in you. 

Boundaries

Boundaries in relationships are about identifying your limits in order to have your needs met. Individual boundaries are set and communicated with one another. In relationships where children are involved, their needs are prioritized and boundaries are set to protect them from adult challenges and conflicts. 

Sharing of power

This means that everyone involved in the relationship can co-exist and that there is space for everyone to openly and freely share their thoughts, feelings, and opinions without fear of consequences. It is important to consider individuals’ ages in relationships (i.e.: it is OK and normal that parents/adults make more decisions and have more responsibilities than children. This does not mean, however, that children’s wants and needs are not considered). The risks for relationships to become unhealthy are increased when there is an imbalance of power.

Guidelines on conflict management

The fourth element is about having rules on how conflicts will be managed. Conflicts are stressful and can trigger uncomfortable emotions. For this reason, having a structure for conflict management can help navigate the discomfort that conflicts may elicit in you and other member(s) of the relationship. In addition, because we all respond differently to stressful situations, it is important to discuss openly about the best ways to handle conflicts for everyone involved (e.g.: having a code word that reminds you to take a step back; taking a 10-minute break when the conversation is escalating before going back to it; etc.). 

Adaptability and flexibility

The fifth and final element to a healthy relationship is about being adaptable and flexible to trying new ways of working through stressful situations together. It is also about wanting to work as a team towards a collective goal, such as having a healthy relationship.

If you or someone you know is experiencing challenges in their relationships, know that CFIR-CPRI has many clinicians available to help you reinforce your skills to improve your relationships. 

References: 

Coburn, S.C. (2021). Family Violence [Workshop]. Crisis and Trauma Research Institute.

The psychology of relationships: Connections for better well-being. Ontario Psychological Association – The Psychology of Relationships: Connections for Better Well-Being. (2023, December 21). https://www.psych.on.ca/Public/Blog/2023/the-psychology-of-relationships

Natalie Guenette, M.A., R.P. is a Registered Psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). She provides online and in-person individual psychotherapy services to adults in both French and English. Natalie offers services to individuals experiencing a wide range of difficulties related to interpersonal relationships, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, trauma, and substance use. She works from humanistic and psychodynamic approaches and integrates a variety of therapeutic interventions from emotion-focused therapy (EFT) and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). 

In a world where technology often leads us to feel more isolated than connected, a simple, eight-minute phone call to a friend or loved one can be a powerful antidote to loneliness and the stressors of daily life. This seemingly small act of reaching out can have profound effects on our mental well-being, offering a quick yet meaningful way to enhance our mood and strengthen our connections with others.

A study published in JAMA Psychiatry (Kahlon et al., 2021) sheds light on the impact of these brief, empathy-driven conversations. Individuals who received empathetic calls for just four weeks reported significant reductions in feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. These findings highlight the remarkable power of human connection and the potential of a simple phone call to offer comfort and understanding on our busiest days.

The concept of an eight-minute catch-up call is not just about checking a box on our social to-do list; it’s about creating a space for genuine connection and support. Here’s how you can make the most of an eight-minute phone call:

1. Clear Boundaries: Setting a specific timeframe provides a clear beginning and end, making it easier to fit into busy schedules.

2. Focused Connection: Knowing there’s a limited time encourages both parties to focus on meaningful conversation, enhancing the quality of interaction.

3. Reduces Overwhelm: The brevity avoids the potential for the call to feel like a burden, making it more likely for future connections.

4. Avoids Missing Wrap-up Cues: With a predetermined limit, both individuals are on the same page about when the conversation will end, avoiding any awkwardness.

5. Encourages Regularity: The ease of committing to eight minutes can lead to more frequent check-ins, strengthening relationships over time.

Initiating the Eight-Minute Catch-Up:

Simply ask, “Do you have eight minutes for a quick catch-up?” This question sets the stage for a focused, meaningful conversation that respects each other’s time and commitments. In times of uncertainty or when the weight of the world feels too heavy to bear, knowing that someone is just a phone call away can make all the difference.

As we navigate the complexities of modern life, let’s remember the value of picking up the phone and reaching out. Just eight minutes can brighten someone’s day, deepen our relationships, and remind us of the joy found in simple human connection.

Laura Moore, MPsy., is an integrative therapist at the Centre For Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto under the supervision of Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C. Psych. Laura provides psychological services to adults and couples experiencing a wide range of concerns. Laura has a particular interest and expertise in relationship distress, with an emphasis on interpersonal and couple relationship functioning. Laura has helped countless individuals navigate issues related to intimacy, fertility, sex, infidelity, separation and divorce. Additionally, her past research focuses on cultivating spousal attunement following traumatic experiences. 

Kahlon, M. K., Aksan, N., Aubrey, R., Clark, N., Cowley-Morillo, M., Jacobs, E. A., … & Tomlinson, S. (2021). Effect of Layperson-Delivered, Empathy-Focused Program of Telephone Calls on Loneliness, Depression, and Anxiety Among Adults During the COVID-19 Pandemic: A Randomized Clinical Trial. JAMA Psychiatry, 78(6), 616-622. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2021.0113

Dr. Karine Côté, C.Psych.

The importance of asserting boundaries to promote healthy and sustainable relationships with others is more and more talked about in the media. Whether it is with your significant other, parent, sibling, friend or co-worker, being able to identify and assert your boundaries can be a significant skill to build. 

Boundaries are defined as limits and rules we set for ourselves within our relationships. They can be psychological, emotional or physical in nature, and require being mindful of your needs and limits within various situations (DBT.com, 2024). Boundaries can help you meet your interpersonal needs, promote closeness, limit over enmeshment, and increase your sense of self-efficacy. 

Here are a few key ingredients to keep in mind to help you establish and maintain your boundaries with others.

Identify: Your thoughts, emotions and physical sensations represent a guide to your internal needs and limits. Being attuned to them and building your ability to understand their underlying meaning and function can help you identify your needs and limits. 

Assert: Your boundaries will have a much better chance to be respected if they are clearly expressed to others. Speaking in I statements and communicating when you and the other are emotionally regulated will also give you the best chance to be heard.

Clarify: Sometimes, the intention or the meaning behind our boundaries can be misunderstood by others. Taking the space to clarify them as needed will also increase your chance of being heard and respected in your boundaries.

Reinforce: When the other has modified their behaviors or reactions to respect your boundaries, giving them acknowledgment and showing your appreciation can help confirm they are on the right track in meeting your needs – and therefore reinforce these positive changes.

Repeat: In some cases, asserting a boundary once may not be enough for it to be consistently respected by the other. After all, we are all creatures of habit! Repeating the boundary can also help sustain the needed changes in your interpersonal relationships.

Asserting boundaries and engaging in satisfying, respectful and sustainable relationships can present with challenges at times. Clinicians at CFIR-CPRI are here to support should you need help in navigating complex interpersonal dynamics.

Reference

DBT.com (2024). Interpersonal Boundaries. https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/interpersonal-effectiveness/interpersonal-boundaries/

Dr. Karine Côté, D.Psy., C.Psych. is a psychologist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Dr. Côté provides psychological services to individual adults and couples experiencing a wide range of psychological and relationship difficulties related to mood and anxiety disorders, trauma, eating disorders, sleep disruptions, and interpersonal betrayal. She works from a humanistic approach and integrates therapeutic techniques from gestalt and object relations psychotherapies, emotion-focused therapy (EFT), and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

In the era of swiping right and instant connections, the quest for love can sometimes feel more like a relentless grind than a romantic journey. With an array of dating apps and ever-changing social norms, it’s not uncommon to feel disenchanted by the modern dating world. Whether you identify as heterosexual, LGBTQ+, or are exploring your identity, the challenges of forming meaningful connections in this fast-paced era are universal.

Understanding the Root of Disenchantment

The first step in overcoming dating disenchantment is understanding its source. Are you overwhelmed by the paradox of choice, finding it hard to connect deeply when there are so many options? Or perhaps, you’re fatigued by the ‘game’ – the endless cycle of matching, chatting, and often, ghosting. Recognize that these feelings are normal, and many others share your experience.

Embracing Authenticity

One of the keys to revitalizing your dating experience is embracing authenticity. Be true to yourself in your dating profile and interactions. Honesty about who you are and what you’re looking for not only attracts the right people but also sets the stage for genuine connections.

Quality Over Quantity

Instead of swiping endlessly, focus on quality interactions. Take the time to read profiles thoroughly and engage in meaningful conversations. This approach may mean fewer dates, but it increases the likelihood of those dates being more satisfying and compatible.

Balancing Hope with Realism

Maintain a balance between hope and realism. It’s essential to stay optimistic but equally important to have realistic expectations. Not every date will lead to a love story, and that’s okay. Each experience is a step in your journey of self-discovery and understanding what you truly desire in a partner.

Taking Breaks is Healthy

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break. Use this time to engage in activities you love, reconnect with yourself, and nurture other relationships in your life. A break can provide a fresh perspective and re-energize you for when you’re ready to dive back in.

Remember, the path to finding a partner is as much about self-exploration as it is about finding another. In the modern dating world, it’s the journey of understanding yourself and what you need in a relationship that eventually leads to the magic you’re seeking. Stay true, stay patient, and let the journey unfold.

Laura Moore, MPsy., is a psychodynamic therapist at the Centre For Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto under the supervision of Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C. Psych. Laura provides psychological services to adults and couples experiencing a wide range of concerns. Laura has a particular interest and expertise in relationship distress, with an emphasis on interpersonal and couple relationship functioning. Laura has helped countless individuals navigate issues related to intimacy, fertility, sex, infidelity, separation and divorce. Additionally, her past research focuses on cultivating spousal attunement following traumatic experiences. 

Strengthening Threads: Fostering and Sustaining Friendships in The Seasons of Life

In our quest for friendship, qualities like loyalty and kindness shine brightly. However, deep-rooted relationships require traits that aren’t always in the spotlight. Research points to the importance of confidence, rooted in a clear self-identity, as we navigate life’s changing scenes. Indeed, friendships serve various purposes: some for a reason, others for a season, and a few for a lifetime.

Essential Traits for Enduring Friendships:

1. Adaptability: A friend’s capacity to adjust to life’s flux is invaluable. Their flexibility in the face of change is a testament to genuine support.
2. Confident Self-awareness: Friends who know themselves well offer authenticity and stability, fostering real connection and collective growth.
3. Attentive Listening and Boundaries: A trusted friend knows when to offer advice, when to listen, and when to simply be present.
4. Encouraging Personal Growth: Celebrating each other’s growth is crucial. A true friend supports you not only in stillness but also applauds your successes.

Cultivating New Bonds Later in Life:

As the casual social settings of youth evolve into the busier crossroads of adulthood, finding new friends requires intentionality. Friendships formed later in life often possess an unparalleled richness.

• Common Interests: Shared activities or clubs can be fertile grounds for new friendships.
• Volunteering: Offering time to causes can connect you with like-minded individuals.
• Rekindling Old Friendships: Revisiting past relationships with maturity can rejuvenate bonds.
• Embracing Vulnerability: Authenticity and openness pave the way for meaningful connections, transcending the barriers of time and age.

The Dynamics of Friendship:

Friendships are as fluid as life itself. Some acquaintances teach us lessons, others are companions for particular phases, and some become lifelong partners. By embracing the transience of some friendships, we can fully engage with them. Recognizing the role each friend plays, allows us to appreciate their unique impact.

Friendships enrich our lives with their varied textures and depths. Identifying key attributes of a solid friend and mastering the art of building connections as adults is incredibly rewarding. Through life’s intricate ballet, friends—whether they’re with us for a reason, a season, or a lifetime—harmonize our dance.Laura Moore, MPsy., is a psychodynamic therapist at the Centre For Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto under the supervision of Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C. Psych. Laura provides psychological services to adults and couples experiencing a wide range of concerns. Laura has a particular interest and expertise in relationship distress, with an emphasis on interpersonal and couple relationship functioning. Laura has helped countless individuals navigate issues related to intimacy, fertility, sex, infidelity, separation and divorce. Additionally, her past research focuses on cultivating spousal attunement following traumatic experiences.

The Depth and Diversity of Women’s Bonds

In the realm of human connections, female friendships are uniquely profound, acting as emotional lifelines through life’s highs and lows. Woven with shared experiences and empathetic exchanges, these relationships are pillars of support.

Women, as research suggests, often communicate with a richness of emotion, creating a tapestry of understanding and intimacy in their friendships. Dr. Deborah Tannen notes that conversation is more than mere words to many women; it’s a channel for affirmation and connection. Yet, this expressiveness can also lead to conflicts due to misunderstandings (Tannen, 2011).

Societal roles have historically placed women as the emotional backbone in relationships, fulfilling yet at times leading to uneven emotional labour or competition among peers (Li et al., 2022).

Psychologically, the merits of female friendships are substantial. They act as shields against mental health struggles, with studies highlighting their role in reducing depression and anxiety (Choi et al., 2020). The ‘love hormone’ oxytocin also plays a crucial role in these bonds, aiding in stress management and being released during meaningful interactions (Taylor et al., 2000).

However, these deep bonds are not without their challenges. Disagreements within female friendships can be as emotionally taxing as romantic breakups, often due to misaligned expectations or life changes.

Recognizing and navigating these complexities is key to maintaining these bonds. Relational psychology underscores the importance of vulnerability and communication in strengthening friendships.

The essence of female friendships lies in their deep dialogues and shared growth. Their influence on mental health and resilience in the face of adversity is profound. While they require care and understanding, the emotional depth they add to life is invaluable. Cherish these bonds, for like all treasured things, they flourish with nurturing and love.

Laura Moore, MPsy., is a psychodynamic therapist at the Centre For Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto under the supervision of Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C. Psych. Laura provides psychological services to adults and couples experiencing a wide range of concerns. Laura has a particular interest and expertise in relationship distress, with an emphasis on interpersonal and couple relationship functioning. Laura has helped countless individuals navigate issues related to intimacy, fertility, sex, infidelity, separation and divorce. Additionally, her past research focuses on cultivating spousal attunement following traumatic experiences. 

Choi, K. W., et al. (2020). The impact of social relationships on the mental health of women in the United States. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 177(10), 42.

Li, L., Lee, Y., & Lai, D. W. L. (2022). Mental health of employed family caregivers in Canada: A gender-based analysis on the role of workplace support. The International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 95(4), 470-492.

Tannen, D. (2011). Genderlect Styles. In E. Griffin, A. Ledbetter, & G. Sparks (Eds.), A First Look at Communication Theory (10th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L. C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. (2000). Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: Tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight. Psychological Review, 107(3), 411–429.

When we get angry or are in heightened conflict, we lose the ability to think complexly. This process is commonly referred to as the fight-flight-freeze response, which is the body’s automatic, built-in system designed to protect us from threat or danger. The fight-flight-freeze response developed early in human evolution and continues to impact our psychology today. While this response was helpful when we were running away from predators as early human beings, it’s less helpful when we are having complex interactions with our partner. It’s important for all couples to recognize when they are angry, as this can trigger their flight-fight-freeze response. Taking a break is one-way couples can reduce this response and be better able to navigate complex discussions.

Remember: Breaks will not solve every problem, but they should help you think more clearly about the ones that do occur.

Try your best!

Joshua Peters is a Clinical Psychology Doctoral Resident and Registered Psychotherapist (RP) with the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships, Ottawa. Over the past decade, he has presented at several notable conferences, including the Guelph Sexuality Conference, the National 2SLGBTQ+ Service Providers Summit, and the Community-Based Research Centre’s Atlantic Regional Forum. Joshua also regularly contributes to online, radio, and television news stories for the CBC, Global News, the Toronto Star, and other organizations. In his clinical practice, he is particularly interested in providing psychotherapy, mental health research, and advocacy for the 2SLGBTQ+ community — especially for those from rural and other marginalized backgrounds. Joshua has obtained a specialization in Psychology at the University of Ottawa, a Master of Arts in Counselling at Saint Paul University, and is currently completing his final year in the Doctorate in Clinical Psychology at the University of Prince Edward Island under the supervision of Dr. Aleks Milosevic and Dr. Lila Hakim.