By: Dr. Ashwin Mehra, C.Psych

It is a well-known adage that good communication is a central component of healthy relationships. Whether we communicate as a partner, parent, family member, or employee, the quality of the communication drives the outcome of that interpersonal interaction. We know this to be true through scientific research, as well as from our personal experiences. However,  it should be emphasized that negative communication can be just as detrimental to interpersonal outcomes as positive communication can be beneficial to them. We can understand negative communication using the framework of Polyvagal Theory, which is based on the activation status of the autonomic nervous system mediated by the action of the vagus nerve. This theory posits that our mind and body can be in a positive  (social engagement) state or in a distressed negative (fight/flight/freeze) state. The resultant communication from each state invariably influences the quality of the communication made from the respective positive or negative state. An interesting observation is that the neural pathways linking to empathy, mentalization and long-term thinking are disengaged during the fight/flight/freeze mind-body states. Engaging in communication with a partner, child or co-worker from this state is obviously counter-productive. Most people, in hindsight, usually wish to take back the things that they have communicated from this negative mind-body state.

In therapy, we can learn to better manage these negative mind-body states so that we can effectively navigate towards the positive mind-body states before communicating, rather than after. This helps us to be in the best possible position to communicate our emotional and other needs and to stay open to other viewpoints during the discussion. This allows us to stay engaged with empathy, mentalization and long-term thinking and the quality of our communication reflects this increased mental capacity. We can use our communication to emotionally self-regulate and strive to co-regulate with others, leading to desired interpersonal outcomes. Therapy becomes an exploratory process to help understand the pathways towards negative communication as well as a structured process to help remove blocks and build capacities towards positive communication. In summary, good communication is built on the foundation of also learning how not to communicate, and therapy can help with achieving that capability.

Conflict, arguments, discussions, fights — whatever you’d like to call them –are entirely normal in all relationships. No matter how hard you might try to avoid them, chances are you are going to encounter conflict at some point within your personal relationships. What if, instead of trying to avoid conflict, we became better at it?

‘Good’ communication is said to be the secret to all conflict resolution. Although ‘good’ communication is essential, you should also consider some logistics when resolving conflict. Here are five tips to improve the logistics of your arguments:

1. Schedule your conflict. It sounds odd at first, but take a moment to think about it: Have you ever said something you did not mean during an argument? Most of us have. Emotional flare-ups at times stop us from engaging the “rational” part of our brains. Taking some time apart and preparing to “argue” at a specific time will allow both of you to settle your emotions and give you some time to reflect on what is important to you.
2. Take care of your body first. You would not go into an important business meeting or school presentation hungry, sleep-deprived, or in an unpleasant physical state, would you? Of course not. Doing so would alter your ability to think and perform in those situations effectively. The same applies here. If possible, make sure all your physical needs are met before engaging in a potentially conflictual discussion. Not only will this improve your mood, but it also allows you to think more clearly.
3. Neutral environment. Our environment makes a huge difference! Try to find a neutral place where you both feel comfortable discussing the issue(s) (and try to keep conflict out of your bedroom!) Ideally, bedrooms are for sleeping or sex; do not bring your arguments into that space.
4. Limit distractions. Put your mobile devices away, turn off the television, and give each other full and undivided attention. No one likes to feel like they are being ignored or not listened to; inattentiveness may make the argument much harder than it already is. The fewer distractions, the quicker you can focus on the discussion and (hopefully) come to a resolution.
5. No interruptions. If you have children in the house, make a conscious effort to watch your voice’s volume and tone. Finding healthy ways to resolve conflicts is vital because children and adolescents can absorb discord energy between parents. You also want to make sure you are in an environment where you will not be interrupted or cut-off. It is vital to mutually dedicate this time to focus on each other and the issue at-hand without fearing interruptions.

Rebeca Fernandez Bosanac, B.A. is a counsellor at CFIR working under the supervision of Dr. Reesa Packard, M.A., Ph.D., R.P. Rebeca is currently studying to complete her Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology at Yorkville University. Her professional experience includes working with at-risk youth struggling with extensive trauma, dual-diagnoses, and behavioural issues and working in harm-reduction programs with individuals who struggle with substance abuse, trauma, homelessness, and mental health disorders.

“I told you so many times!” “No, you didn’t!” That is the kind of argument we regularly hear in couple’s therapy. If you are or have been in a romantic relationship, that situation probably happened to you as well. It can occur when one partner realizes the extent of the other’s feelings, like “I knew it bothered you, but I didn’t know it bothered you that much.” How is it that despite all our communication, we still sometimes don’t understand each other?

As we are unique human beings with our individual histories, there are different possible explanations for miscommunication experiences. A common reason is that people often think they express their feelings and needs when, in reality, they have not been as direct as they believe. For example, a partner often says what they think the other is doing incorrectly or what they want the other to do or stop doing. While it may seem that this is direct communication, it may fail to communicate important aspects of one partner’s experience, including why this is important to him/her and how the others’ actions make him/her feel. This can be perceived as blame and criticism rather than a direct expression of feelings and needs and often leaves the other partner defensive and unable to listen and empathize.

Another common miscommunication issue is that we often think our way is the “right” way and can dismiss a partner’s feelings or perspective and not give space for discussion and compromise. When one partner is not open to the other’s point of view, the chances are that the other person will not be inclined to try to listen and understand either.

These are a few things to be mindful of that can help strengthen your communication as a couple. Both members of the couple need to work together to improve communication, and it is not the responsibility of only one member of the couple to make things better. However, working together can be difficult, especially if communication is already a challenge. At the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships, we can help you develop a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamics as a couple and help you communicate in new, helpful ways to better understand each other.

Vann-Vateil Phlek, B.A., is a counsellor at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships working under the supervision of Dr. Karine Côté, C.Psych. She has completed her B.A. in psychology at the University of Ottawa, and provides counselling to adults and couples.

Being in a relationship can, at times, present its challenges. Immersing yourself in and making sense of the other person’s inner world (i.e., their thoughts, feelings, intentions, etc.) is no easy task to undertake. Each individual brings their own internal experience to the relationship, and some of those experiences can leave the other person struggling to attune to their partner’s needs. Heinz Kohut first proposed the concept of ‘self-object’ experiences in which the individual turns to others to have their self-esteem and self-related needs met. These others are often referred to as self-object and can include our partners and other important people in our lives. These experiences help us all maintain a positive and cohesive sense of self.

The majority of us desire and seek partners who make us feel better, and this generally means a partner who is understanding, positive, and affirming. We seek partners who we can look up to, admire, and rely on in stressful times. When we find ourselves in positive relationships, this helps regulate and integrate our emotional experiences and fortifies our sense of likeness and belonging. In such circumstances, our partners can act as a reliable and dependable source of self-object experiences.

On the other hand, when we find ourselves in relationships riddled with trouble and conflict, this may leave each individual with the sense that the other cannot provide self-object experiences reliably. At times, the presenting conflict between couples relates to a lack of needed self-object experiences, whether these problems relate to disengagement, finances, sex, parenting, etc. For example, disagreements about finances may relate to one partner’s self-object experience of safety and security that is fulfilled by saving compared to the other’s need for stimulation or soothing through buying. These common issues faced by couples often translate into underlying self-object needs and failed attempts to meet identified needs by the other. Within the pair, one person’s need for a particular experience may leave the other at odds with their own equally legitimate need.

One of the goals of couples therapy is to support the pair in becoming a more reliable source of self-object experiences that complement the relationship. To attain this objective involves clearly communicating needs, understanding the other’s self-object needs, and noticing its cues. Also, the ability to understand each other’s experience and, on occasion, tolerate failed attempts to meet self-object needs without perceiving these incidences as threatening are equally essential goals in couples’ work. Couples therapy can help reframe conflicts in terms of their underlying self-object needs and help improve an individual’s ability to meet their partner’s needs within the couple’s relationship.

Nancy Amirkhanian, M.A., R.P., is a Clinical Psychology Resident at Center for Interpersonal Relationships (Toronto). Regarding couples therapy, she works with partners to address various relationship issues, such as repairing ruptures due to infidelity, improving sexual and emotional intimacy, challenges with communication, and managing conflicts due to blended families, parenting, and finances. Nancy is currently completing her pre-doctoral residency at the CFIR under the direct supervision of Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych. and Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.

How we understand, feel, and behave interpersonally in adulthood stems from our experiences in our earliest relationships. As children, caregivers help us make sense of our experiences. They translate a physical reaction, such as crying, into a conscious feeling, thought, or desire. They do so by mirroring the child’s emotion, marking it with exaggerated facial, vocal, or gestural displays, and responding to it sensitively. They also put into words their own reactions, modeling ways to make sense of a child’s behaviours, and allowing the child to understand that people experience situations differently. These interactions foster what is called “mentalization”, which is the capacity to understand oneself and others in terms of possible thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires. 

And what about children who did not benefit from such interactions with caregivers? In cases of child abuse and neglect, the child’s physical experiences are often ignored or met with anger, resentment, and irritation. These responses leave a child with the impossible task of processing his experience alone, therefore compromising the development of mentalization. It is not surprising that many adults having suffered maltreatment in childhood often encounter difficulties in their adulthood relationships. They may often feel hurt or angry in relationships as their understanding of others’ intentions or feelings is either lacking or inaccurate, leading to conclusions drawn by their own painful experiences in childhood. Therefore, behaviours such as withdrawing from a situation may be perceived as an intentional rejection, when, in fact, it may result from other intentions or needs. 

At CFIR, we can help you develop your mentalization skills by taking a step back from situations that trigger strong reactions. By learning how to think about how you feel and feel about how you think, we can support you to create stronger bonds in your relationship with others. 

Lorenzi, N., Campbell, C. & Fonagy, P. (2018). Mentalization and its role in processing trauma. In B. Huppertz (Ed) Approaches to psychic trauma: Theory and practice (p. 403-422). Rowman & Littlefield. 

Camille Bandola, B.Sc., is a counsellor at Centre for Interpersonal Relationships working under the supervision of Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. She is currently in the fourth year of my doctoral program in Clinical Psychology at Université du Québec en Outaouais.

This final post of the 3-part series on boundaries will provide you with definitions for different types of boundaries. It is important to know these differences; doing so allows you to self-appraise how you maintain your sense of self with others. Research mostly focuses on three general types of boundaries: rigid, diffuse, and flexible. 

Let’s imagine boundaries as a wall you build up to protect yourself. They can be defined by the following:

Rigid – Walls are very high up, thick, and do not come down

Diffuse – Walls are very low, foggy, and confusing

Flexible: Walls are clear, go down and go up (to different levels) as needed.  

Rigid Boundaries: We might feel protected (especially if we have been through any type of trauma) when we set a rigid boundary without sharing more intimately about our feelings and needs. However, we are closed off to the other when we set a fixed limit — meaning that it’s difficult or nearly impossible for us to connect to others and to have others get close to us (emotionally, physically, etc.). This type of boundary makes it hard for others to understand our feelings and needs as little of ourselves is shared. We also may not be flexible enough to respond to the demands of others. 

Diffuse Boundaries: When we have diffuse boundaries, we might have difficulties communicating and/or understanding our boundaries (maybe from how you were raised, difficult experiences with limits). With diffuse boundaries, our borders are foggy, unclear, and are not defined. This particular boundary is difficult in relationships because you most likely tend to internalize other people’s emotions or let intrusive arrows (see the second blog in this 3-part series) right into your inner world. It often leads to feelings of resentment, frustration, shame, or sadness (etc.). 

Flexible Boundaries: When we have flexible boundaries, we can easily adapt to different situations in our relationships with others. Our boundaries are clear, healthy, and reflect our needs, desires, emotions, and values. We also maintain some openness to the other’s reality, thoughts, feelings, and needs. This creates a space in our relationships where it’s safe to discuss our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and desires and listen to the other and make adjustments to fulfill both parties. It also creates respect within your relationship and brings you closer together. Lastly, flexible boundaries prevent you from feeling overwhelmed or building up resentment, all while letting other people in, creating a secure attachment, and fulfilling your needs. 

We must establish a boundary to get to know who we are and what we need in our relationships to maintain a sense of safety and security and a sense of value and worth. Flexible boundaries might be ideal in relationships.

Mélodie Brown, B.A., is a therapist and completing a clinical psychology doctorate (D.Psy). At Centre for Interpersonal Relationships, she provides psychological services to adults and couples under the supervision of Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. In the last year of her clinical psychology doctorate, Mélodie has completed all of her clinical training. She is in the process of finishing her thesis before receiving her licence as a clinical psychologist. 

After reading Part 1 and getting familiarized with boundaries and the difficulties we often face while setting them, you are probably wondering when or in what situations is it okay to set a limit in your interpersonal relationships?

The answer is: A boundary is set in our relationships with others to establish a felt sense of internal safety and security or maintain our sense of self-value and worth. We assert a boundary with another person to ensure we do not experience excessively high levels of negative emotional distress based on what others say, do, or express to us.

The model below has been devised to help you think about when it might be okay to set boundaries for yourself in everyday life. See model down below:

When you, your partner, or children receive an intrusive arrow (something that makes you feel bad—can be threats, insults, shaming, pressure, etc.) from anyone in circles 2, 3 & 4, it’s absolutely okay and healthy to put up a boundary to protect yourself, your partner or your child.

It’s also important to remember that in circle 1, each person is also a separate individual with their respective thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions, wants, needs, values, and desires. Every individual can benefit from knowing this information as it’s the basis for setting a boundary. In terms of the diagram below, an individual has to establish a boundary with each member of their family and those relationships in the outer circle.

Remember that boundaries set with respect & authenticity are a way to protect yourself and your mental health. When you don’t set boundaries, you can be overwhelmed with stress and negative emotions that can lead to difficulties in your relationships. We become overwhelmed when we don’t listen to our feelings and bodies and set boundaries to protect ourselves from going into a space that is too much for us physically or psychologically. By setting boundaries, you also help yourself & the relationships around you grow. You and others learn more about who you are and how to relate to each other, and you are capable of being more invested and present for your romantic partners and other relationships.

Stay tuned for Part 3: Types of Boundaries.

Mélodie Brown, B.A., is a therapist and completing a clinical psychology doctorate (D.Psy). At Centre for Interpersonal Relationships, she provides psychological services to adults and couples under the supervision of Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.. In the last year of her clinical psychology doctorate, Mélodie has completed all of her clinical training. She is in the process of finishing her thesis before receiving her license as a clinical psychologist.

Boundaries are essential for interpersonal relationships. In my clinical practice, I often encounter individuals struggling to define their self-boundary, maintain a ‘couple’ boundary, or manage the complexities of different dyadic boundaries in a family system. In this 3-part series of blogs, I will be sharing with you a definition of what boundaries are (Part I), how to consider boundaries within the context of your life (Part II), and the different types of boundaries (Part III).

In this first part, let’s talk about what boundaries are, and the difficulties individuals often face when setting them. The act of setting a boundary can be defined by putting clear, healthy & respectful limits with others to ensure that your feelings, needs, emotions, and self is expressed and understood by others. You probably think that this sounds like a healthy thing to do to maintain good mental health, right? Interestingly enough, boundaries seem to have gained a negative connotation over the years. Many individuals feel guilty, ashamed, selfish, or anxious when trying to set a boundary or are preoccupied with being seen as controlling or uncaring when choosing to set a boundary—even if done in a respectful and wholesome way. For this reason, a lot of people don’t set limits and find themselves overwhelmed and flooded with difficulties in their relationships and with their mental health.

As a result of a lack of clarity about boundaries, many individuals I see in my private practice struggle to create greater clarity about what it is that their true ‘self’ thinks, feels, wants, needs, values, and desires. They also struggle to resolve doubts about the appropriateness of the boundaries they have set. You might want to consider the following questions to ascertain whether you are having difficulties identifying your boundaries and limits and setting appropriate boundaries for yourself.

Have you ever found yourself asking:
• Is it okay to put a boundary up with my partner, my friends, or family?
• Is my partner controlling if he or she puts up a boundary with me?
• Do I set a boundary if my sister said something hurtful to my partner?
• Is it acceptable to set a boundary with my parents?
• Am I a bad partner or friend for setting boundaries?
• Am I a bad friend or partner for saying no to something that doesn’t make me feel good?
• Etc.

In the second blog in this 3-part series on boundaries, I will provide you with a framework to consider in resolving struggles you may be having with boundaries in your life.

Mélodie Brown, B.A., is a therapist and completing a clinical psychology doctorate (D.Psy). At Centre for Interpersonal Relationships, she provides psychological services to adults and couples under the supervision of Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.. In the last year of her clinical psychology doctorate, Mélodie has completed all of her clinical training. She is in the process of finishing her thesis before receiving her license as a clinical psychologist.

For many individuals, the holidays are marked by wonderful moments. However, we cannot deny “the most wonderful time of the year” can also be influenced by significant stressors, such as feeling pressure to find great gifts, planning and preparing for large gatherings, feeling obligated to travel to the different yearly family parties, triggering moments provoking loneliness, sadness, and grief… Even though there can be a real part of us wanting to enjoy the holidays, there can also be another part dreading it. 

Of course, the holiday season is already looking very different this year. The global pandemic and its various impacts have forced us to slow down, required us to socialize and practice self-care creatively, and brought different types of losses and grief. As a clinical psychologist, I am supporting clients dealing with their disappointment and sadness for not celebrating the holidays as usual. I am also validating clients who feel relieved for not dealing with the same level of pressure they usually experience.

Through my clinical lenses, I also see this as an interesting opportunity for self-reflection and possible adjustments in our way to navigate those contentious relationships and hopefully finding more ease in dealing with them.

Dr. Karine Côté, D.Psy., C.Psych.

One difficulty that seems somewhat alleviated this year – but still present – is the obligation to face complicated interpersonal dynamics. Whether it is a problematic relationship with a parent, a sibling, in-laws, or friends, we now have the perfect reason to limit contact and staying home during the holidays. Through my clinical lenses, I also see this as an interesting opportunity for self-reflection and possible adjustments in our way to navigate those contentious relationships and hopefully finding more ease in dealing with them.

Reflect on your ideals

The other’s unmet ideals often fuel complex relationships (e.g., your parent, sibling, friend, etc.). When the other does or says something that triggers deep frustration, sadness, or disappointment, this emotion is most likely related to a need or ideal of this person that is once again not met. 

Example: When a mother makes a cold and critical remark, the immediate feelings of anger and sadness are linked to a wish of being validated and recognized by her – not just related to this one critic. The ideal of having a warm and encouraging mother is still not met; the hope of gaining her recognition is crushed once again.

Validate your needs and emotions

To regulate the emotions resulting from an unmet ideal, validating the feelings and taking authentic ownership of the underlying need is essential. It is normal to feel disappointed in a relationship context, but we can also offer ourselves what we need, such as kindness, recognition, or motivation.

Example: The anger and sadness resulting from being criticized by the attachment figure is normal. The need to receive encouragements and warmth is valid. Being able to validate the emotions and needs will lower the emotional activation and meet that need internally (e.g., “I am allowed to feel this way, I can recognize my own achievements”). 

Practice differentiation

The difficulty of a loved one meeting our ideals and needs is often mostly related to them and not entirely to us. Because of their limits, experiences, and requirements, sometimes they cannot meet our ideals. Practicing healthy differentiation, or recognizing what belongs to them and what belongs to us, can help mitigate negative emotions.

Example: The mother is very harsh on herself, not celebrating her positive actions and attributes – therefore, it is hard for her to do it for others. Her tendency to be overly-critical towards others belongs to her self-critique and does not reflect others’ worth or abilities.

Enjoy the good you can get

It is often not because some needs and ideals are not met that the whole relationship is negative. After validating emotions, identifying and meeting underlying needs, and differentiating from the other, it is much easier to feel good from the interaction.

Example: Even if the mother is critical, she is caring and warm in other ways, such as cooking for the family, playing with her grandchildren, often calling, sending thoughtful gifts, etc. The one critic hurts, but it does not represent the entirety of the relationship. 

Assert needs and limits to others

At times, asserting needs and limits is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship and to be able to connect with the other. Talking with “I” statements when we are emotionally calm can help us get what we need from the discussion and offer an occasion for repair.

Example: Point out that the remark made a few days ago was hurtful, and what was wanted was encouragement. Doing so can help get support from the mother and cause her to reflect on her tendency to be overly-critical. 

In summary, navigating complicated relationships can be difficult – especially during the holidays. Taking the time and space to reflect and adjust our own internal experience can positively impact our well-being and interpersonal relationships we deeply value. If you need support to learn how to cope with complicated relationships in your life, professionals at CFIR can offer support and possibly help you move towards repairing them.

Dr. Karine Côté, D.Psy., C.Psych. is a psychologist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Dr. Côté provides psychological services to individual adults and couples experiencing a wide range of psychological and relationship difficulties related to mood and anxiety disorders, trauma, eating disorders, sleep disruptions, and interpersonal betrayal. She works from a humanistic approach and integrates therapeutic techniques from gestalt and object relations psychotherapies, emotion-focused therapy (EFT), and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

With the outbreak of COVID-19, the whole world changed rapidly and drastically, which can invoke feelings of fear as well as uncertainty. A particularly crucial yet psychologically difficult element associated with COVID-19 is the worldwide efforts of socially distancing to limit the spread of the virus. As human beings, we have a fundamental need and drive for interpersonal connections and relationships. During social distancing, it can be common to feel loneliness and disconnection from others. However, with modern technology, we can build and nurture new and existing relationships that have evidence-based findings to improve our mental health and overall wellbeing. Healthy relationships are linked to reduced production of stress hormones such as cortisol, a greater sense of purpose, and healthy coping behaviours.

During times like this, it is crucial to utilize the psychological benefits of social relationships by:

• Scheduling times to connect via FaceTime, Skype, or virtual platforms. This activity can serve as a wonderful substitution for face to face interaction. 
• Sharing our thoughts, feelings, concerns, and experiences with friends and family. Doing so allows us to feel heard, understood, and increasingly connected to others.
• Create time for individual hobbies and self-care; however, include scheduled time for family activities such as game nights or think of some creative ideas on date nights you can create with your partner at home.
• Reconnecting with friends or relatives that we haven’t had much time or opportunity to connect with as frequently in the past.
• Keeping in touch with colleagues or employees during these uncertain times and offering support.

Clinicians at CFIR are offering confidential, secure video therapy or teletherapy therapy, which can help support you with maintaining social relationships during COVID-19 as well as working through feelings of loneliness, loss, or uncertainty, amongst others.

Edgar Prudcoi, B.A. is a therapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto and is near completion of his Masters degree in Clinical Psychology at the Adler Graduate Professional School. He supports individual adults and couples to deal with difficulties related to emotion (e.g., depression, anxiety, anger), the effects of trauma, loss and grief, conflict resolution, and relationship functioning.