The end of a friendship can be experienced as a real and painful form of grief, even though it is rarely talked about. This kind of loss is sometimes called disenfranchised grief: grief that others may not recognize or validate. Giving yourself permission to grieve, focusing on acceptance rather than blame, and reflecting on what you miss can help you move forward.
Why Is Losing a Friend So Rarely Talked About?
Societies have well-understood rituals, both within and across cultures, for grieving the death of family members and loved ones. Stories of grief and recovery after romantic breakups fill countless movies, TV shows, and books. The end of an important friendship is far less discussed, but it is often just as painful. This relative silence is surprising, given the important role friends play in our lives.
What Does Grieving a Friendship Feel Like?
When a close friendship ends, the loss can involve much more than a change in your social plans. You may grieve:
- The person themselves
- Your shared history
- Having someone who “always had your back”
- The future you imagined would include them
Your emotions may be varied and shifting. You may feel sadness, anger, betrayal, guilt, or relief, as well as embarrassment about how deeply the loss of the friendship affects you. At the same time, you may feel that you can’t talk about what you’re going through, or that you should be able to get over it quickly because it was “just a friend.”
Is It Normal to Grieve the End of a Friendship?
Yes. Most importantly, it can help to understand that psychologically, the loss of a friend can be experienced as a profound form of grief: real and painful, but not always recognized or validated by others. Grief researcher Kenneth J. Doka describes this as disenfranchised grief (Doka, 1989).
Close friends often become some of the most important people in our lives. They provide many of the same sources of connection, support, and security that we find in close family and romantic relationships. Let yourself grieve the shared memories, the connection, and the role this friend had in your life.
How Do You Accept That a Friendship Has Ended?
As you grieve, try not to get stuck ruminating about or assigning blame for why the friendship ended. Some friendships end after an argument, others gradually become less close, and still others end without explanation. An uncertain ending can be particularly difficult, leaving you wondering what happened and whether the friendship might ever resume.
Friendships changing or ending is, however, a natural part of life. Over time, it may help to focus less on finding a definitive explanation and more on accepting what has happened. This might include:
- Acknowledging the ways the friendship was no longer working
- Accepting that it may simply have run its course
- Holding onto gratitude for what the relationship brought to your life
None of this is necessarily easy, but it may gradually bring a greater sense of peace.
What Can a Lost Friendship Teach You?
After the initial grieving process, it may help to get curious, without judgment, about what specifically you miss about the friendship and why it may have ended. Questions to reflect on:
- Do you miss the person, the regular contact you had with them, the easy laughter you shared, or the experience of being understood without having to explain yourself?
- What worked, and what didn’t work, in the friendship?
- Were there patterns between you that contributed to its ending?
Naming the specific losses, as well as what worked and didn’t work in the relationship, can make it easier to identify the support you need as you rebuild your support system. It can also help you think more intentionally about what you want from your friendships, and set goals to guide you in forming ever more fulfilling relationships.
When Should You Consider Therapy After Losing a Friend?
If grief is persistently disrupting your daily life, therapy can offer space to understand the ending and its effects. It can also help you consider what the friendship taught you about the relationships you want to maintain and the needs you want to express within them.
CFIR clinicians offer support for depression, mood and grief and interpersonal relationships, in person in Ottawa, Toronto, St. Catharines and Charlottetown, and online. Book a free consultation to learn more.
Adair Roberts, M.A., is a Clinical Psychology Resident at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto. She works with adults, young adults, couples, and LGBTQ2S+ clients, both online and in person.
