The way we speak to ourselves—especially in moments of struggle—often echoes the voices we heard growing up. Self-compassion (the ability to treat ourselves with kindness in times of pain or difficulty) doesn’t come naturally to everyone. For many, self-criticism feels far more familiar than self-support. One of the main reasons for this lies in our early childhood experiences.
Children learn how to relate to themselves by observing how others relate to them. If we grew up in an environment where warmth, patience, and acceptance were modeled and expressed, we’re more likely to internalize those same qualities; when faced with mistakes or setbacks, we can then draw from these experiences and respond to ourselves with kindness.
However, if our early years were marked by criticism, inflexible high expectations, or inconsistency, we come to internalize the critical voices and inflexible expectations, and we may come to believe that self-criticism is necessary to protect ourselves from failing expectations, or to be exposed to feared criticism again. This can lead us to adopt an inner voice that is harsh, demanding, and unforgiving. Over time, this can leave us feeling inadequate, ashamed, or unworthy.
The good news is that self-compassion can be cultivated at any stage of life. Therapy can provide a space to notice old patterns, challenge any critical inner voice, and begin to nurture a kinder, more supportive relationship with ourselves. By learning to respond to our pain with understanding rather than judgment, we gradually rewrite the messages from our past and learn how to approach our struggles with greater patience and understanding.
By exploring how our past shaped our self-talk, we open the door to growth and healing. Developing self-compassion is not about ignoring challenges—it’s about meeting them with the same care we would offer to someone we love.
Danielle Baldwin, M.A., is a doctoral clinical resident at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Ottawa, working under the supervision of Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych., and Dr. Lila Hakim, C.Psych. She offers treatment to adults experiencing difficulties with mood, anxiety, relationships, trauma, and early life experiences.
