by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.

Living and loving in the social margins of a heteronormative world can create complexity in the relationships of individuals from the LGBTQ+ community.  In our early years, recognition of being different than members of your family of origin and peers can create significant attachment and self fears. We all need a sense of acceptance, emotional validation, approval, and admiration if we are to develop a strong sense of self and connection to others. Individuals from LGBTQ+, in many instances, may face abandonment, rejection, punishment, and abuse just for being different. These types of traumatic experiences create fears and distrust in others, mainly when early attachment figures are the individuals who are the source of rejection, punishment, and abandonment. Rejection also fills individuals with a deep sense of shame that comes with deep feelings of unlovability, insignificance, and worthlessness.  

The internalization of these experiences can create difficulties when fears, shame, and past hurts limit the capacity to trust and connect others. The clinicians at CFIR work to build more secure, resilient identities and strengthen interpersonal relationships in the LGBTQ+.  They support you to unpack the emotional residue of early distress in attachment and/or with pears and the impact of this residue on your attachments.

According to attachment theory, as a result of early year interactions with caregivers, we either become securely attached or insecurely attached—either anxiously or avoidantly attached.  Attachment style then influences sexuality in complex ways. Anxiously attached partners in the bedroom might be seeking out sex for reassurance of self or attachment fears.  For example, they may feel less positive about themselves (e.g., undesirable or unattractive), and/or have worries about the availability, accessibility, and responsiveness of their partner.  Strong sexual desire is fuelled by the need for self and attachment reassurance. Avoidantly attached partners are not motivated sexually in the same way.  These partners are more likely to focus on the pleasure-oriented aspects of sex only and have difficulties with feelings of closeness.  Some avoidantly attached partners will have sex for duty’s sake. Arousal and desire problems arise when anxiously or avoidantly attached partners are unable to fulfill these goals.  

The clinicians at CFIR support couple partners to discover the multiple ways in which securely attached partners experience and explore sexuality. The couple and sex therapy clinicians at CFIR use a wide variety of strategies to support couple partners to build more confidence in their sexuality, greater eroticism, and desire.

Forgiveness and reconciliation after an extramarital affair is a complex process. Forgiveness occurs when there is an experiential shift in the injured partner toward the betraying partner— a movement toward softer feelings. This experiential shift requires an unpacking of different types of emotional reactions associated with these types of relationship traumas. The shattering of one’s sense of self, the other, and one’s sense of future identity in the aftermath of an affair can create instability and insecurity in one’s self and the relationship. These types of injuries result in complex emotional reactions that require resolution. Reconciliation, the next step in recovery, occurs when steps are taken to rebuild trust and restore the relationship after a forgiveness process. These steps are essential for the restoration of security.

The team of psychologists, psychotherapists, and counsellors at CFIR employ evidence-based interventions to support relationship partners beleaguered by emotional injuries in the aftermath of an affair. Steps to forgiveness and reconciliation and the interventions required for successful resolution of an extramarital affair have been delineated in research conducted by Dr. Zuccarini, C.Psych., co-founder of the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships. (Zuccarini et al., 2013). Clinicians at CFIR are prepared to support you in promoting healing in your relationship.

by: Joshua Peters, M.A., R.P.

Relationships have never been easy and now it seems we’re in a space and time where technology and the way we connect are continuously growing and changing. The intimacy we have with someone can mean so much, yet it seems we consistently struggle to maintain the bond. How can we know if we are “getting it right” in our partnerships?

In speaking about the complexity of our relationships, famed relationship expert, Esther Perel notes that “companionship, family, children, economic support, a best friend, a passionate lover, a trusted confidante, an intellectual equal […] we are asking from one person what an entire village once provided.” In this paradigm, it can be hard to understand when our partners and our relationships maybe failing us. 

Here are some signs that indicate your relationship may need some work:

1. Lack of Communication 

In a world bursting with ways to communicate, it may be surprising to learn that ineffective communication remains a common issue in relationships. It’s impossible for your partner to know all your needs, feelings, and thoughts without talking about them. Communication is essential in overcoming relationship wounds, and very few relationships can survive without it.

2. Arguing with No Repair

Though constant arguing can sometimes be indicative of relationship distress – unrepaired conflict may be the real culprit. Arguments, when done sympathetically, are an essential part of relationship satisfaction. Repairing from a dispute allows partners to accept each ones’ differences and re-establish their love for one another. 

3. Loss of Curiosity

We are continually growing and changing as individuals and it crucial we remember to remain curious about our partners as they grow. The experience of curiosity and surprise is one of the essential processes in maintaining long-term desire. Partners in healthy relationships are happy to explore their partner’s unique perspective of the world.

4. Mind Reading

This familiar refrain, “Look, I know you’re angry…” exposes a common misstep in many relationships. Often experienced in conjunction with a loss of curiosity, partners start assuming they are always in each other’s “bad books” even before a problem is revealed. Stay tentative about your perceived experience of your partner, especially in times of distress. You might be surprised by the difference between how they feel and how you thought the feel!

5. Loss of Priority

It can be hard to find a balance between work, children, friends, and family in today’s busy world. How you prioritize your relationship may look different to you, so it’s crucial that you discuss this with your partner. Failure to explore this in a discussion could leave your partner feeling unloved and unimportant. 

6. No Hurt – Only Anger

When we’re most distressed it may feel instinctive to get angry. Though anger is an important emotion in that it tells us something isn’t working, it isn’t usually helpful in resolving conflict. Instead, opting to express our more vulnerable and hurt emotions allows our partner to understand and ultimately care for us when necessary. 

7. Blaming your partner

It takes two to tango! Though one partner may sometimes be experiencing more distress, it’s beneficial to recognize that your relationship is co-created by both of you. Take note of how you may be contributing to the dynamic between you and your partner.

Couples experiencing any of these relationship difficulties at heightened levels may feel like they are insurmountable problems. However, exploring these issues can provide a needed check-in for your relationship. Moreover, what you discover can inspire you and your partner to reimage what your relationship could become. Couples therapy offers an excellent opportunity to explore these struggles and move towards growth. The skilled clinicians at CFIR can help you and your partner better understands your current distress and support you to build a more resilient and healthy relationship.

by: Dr. Ainslie Heasman, C.Psych.

The classified advertising site, Backpages.com, was recently shut down by the United States government, thereby making it inaccessible in Canada as well.  The website, which hosted everything from child care to real estate ads, was recently suspended by U.S. law enforcement due to activity stemming from the “adult” sections on the site.

Many essential political and societal discussions have transpired following the decision to close the site, including debates about whether the intention to prevent sex trafficking will benefit from this action.  

Amid these discussions, some of my clients who use the internet to access sex services, and who identify as having problems regulating their sexual behaviour feel a sense of relief.  Some are experiencing an unexpected external control over their response, albeit temporary, now that Backpages.com is no longer accessible.

What is hypersexuality?

Problematic sexual behavior is referred to using a variety of labels – from sex addiction to compulsive or impulsive sexual behaviour to hypersexuality.  Societally, this is commonly labeled as sex addiction, but there remains little scientific evidence to support sex as an addiction.  There is also some suggestion that perceived addiction to pornography can contribute more to psychological distress than pornography use itself (Grubbs, Volk, Exline, & Pargament, 2013).  

Many of my clients seek out therapy for problems managing their sexual behaviours, sexual interests or both. Regardless of the label, many men (and it is mostly men that seek treatment for this in my practice) are struggling with a variety of sexual behaviours, from anonymous sexual encounters to frequent masturbation and pornography use.  Some men also experience distress related to the content of their sexual thoughts, or pornography use (versus the frequency of their sexual behavior).  In other words, they experience a sexual interest that is atypical or less common; the inclination could turn illegal if acted upon and/or it contributes to significant moral distress.  

Assessment 

Research has been conducted to identify the characteristics of individuals who seek out help for hypersexuality, along with related treatment targets (Cantor et al., 2013; Sutton, Stratton, Pytyck, Kolla, & Cantor, 2014). The paths leading people to engage in hypersexual behaviour are varied and beyond the scope of this current blog, but there are more common ones I see in my clients.  Clients often use sexual behaviour as a way of procrastinating, avoiding, and escaping stressors.  Many of my clients struggle with identifying, labeling, and expressing their emotional experiences (preferring instead to ignore and suppress). This is even more common with emotions experienced as being more challenging to manage (i.e., frustration, anxiety, anger, disappointment), and they seek out a distraction, and a way of temporary escape, through sexual behaviour.  

Other clients have varied sexual interests that are explored through pornography or sexual activity with another, that they may not feel comfortable talking about or exploring in their partnered relationship.  At times there is a mismatch in sexual drive or interests in a relationship, but what is often apparent is a lack of healthy communication between partners about their needs and experiences in their sexual relationship. 

What is essential when seeking support is finding a mental health clinician who will engage in a detailed assessment to understand the nature of the problem and the contributing factors.  It is also essential to determine if there are other mental health concerns (i.e., depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder to name a few) that are influencing the behaviour and also require intervention.  There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to treating individuals who struggle with sexual behaviour. As a result, an assessment helps to determine the most relevant treatment targets to assist those seeking help to achieve their goals. 

Treatment 

A therapist assists clients in understanding the origins and development of their behaviour.  Clients are offered support through their journey to develop and refine skills to live a life that is more in line with their values.  This path is often challenging and filled with a range of emotions, and mistakes and a return to old patterns may occur.  With the guidance of a therapist, these challenges can be navigated and explored in a safe and supportive environment. The client can take steps they feel are necessary to define and live a more fulfilling and value driven life.

Often when a man is in a partnered relationship, couples therapy is recommended, mainly when the sexual behaviour of concern involved infidelity.  In these situations, the sexual behaviour that occurred happened in the context, and with all the relevant dynamics, of a relationship.  If the couple desires to remain together, at the very least, the rebuilding of trust occurs again in the context of the couple.  With that in mind, many men still seek out therapy on their own, either at the insistence of their partner or without their partners’ knowledge that there is a problem.  

If you can identify with these struggles, there is help and support.  Individual and couples therapy is available at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR).

References

Cantor, J., Klein, C., Lykins, A., Rullo, J., Thaler, L., & Walling, B. (2013). A treatment-oriented typology of self-identified hypersexuality referrals. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 42. 10.1007/s10508-013-0085-1.

Grubbs, J., Volk, F., & Exline, J., & Pargament, K. (2013). Internet pornography use: Perceived addiction, psychological distress, and the validation of a brief measure. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 41. 10.1080/0092623X.2013.842192.

Sutton, K., Stratton, N., Pytyck, J., Kolla, N., & Cantor, J. (2014). Patient characteristics by type of hypersexuality referral: A quantitative chart review of 115 consecutive male cases. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 41. 10.1080/0092623X.2014.935539.

A restaurant in the U.K. recently announced it will be banning the use of mobile devices in their establishment on February 14 in an effort “to refocus diners on the food and experience”. This move has generated a bit of online buzz and has turned attention to how preoccupied society is becoming with the world-wide-web and more specifically, social media. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, we recently asked, Dr. Tracy Dalgliesh C. Psych. “Can social media outlets have an impact on our romantic relationships? What are some positive ways to use them (or not) on Valentine’s Day?“. 

Here’s her response: 

Social media becomes problematic when we use it to turn away from our partner, resulting in decreased connection and communication. Instead of working through an argument and engaging in a difficult conversation, you turn to scrolling through social media. This is an avoidance strategy, and we know from couples research that shutting down (i.e., stonewalling) is a type of communication that can result in long-term couple distress.² (For more on the four communication styles that predict the dissolution of a relationship, see https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/. Recent research suggests that excessive use of devices leads to lower relationship satisfaction.¹ This is even truer for partners with anxious attachment (i.e., they fear that they are unlovable or unworthy). Other examples may include messaging friends over talking to your partner, checking your phone in the middle of a conversation with your partner, or sharing fun and exciting information with others online and not your lover. 

Individuals fall into the trap of the comparing themselves and their relationships to what they see on social media. Profiles often portray the happiest moments – and these are often posed images. They do not display the challenges that couples all face. Frequently seeing these stylized and selected images can impact how you view your own relationship. Thoughts of “why aren’t we that happy?” or “we never do anything exciting” may arise and create negative feelings towards your relationship and partner. This negative filter may then lead to thoughts of “I could be happier with someone else,” further contributing to dissatisfaction. 

Social media can also impact one’s feelings of jealousy and insecurity. All of the platforms for social media offer easy ways to connect with others privately. This becomes a problem when it is done in secret, or when connecting with someone else feels good and you are putting more energy into that connection than with your partner. A negative feedback loop can also start, where jealousy leads to snooping, which further exacerbates feelings of jealousy. In some situations, social media can lead to infidelity. 

While social media can present with its challenges for couples, I do believe that it can be used in a healthy manner – where couples can build and enhance their connection. Here are some tips on how to use social media this Valentine’s Day to enhance your relationship:

• Set limits on the time that you are on your devices. Agree to put the phones on silent in another room (e.g., from 7pm-9pm) on Valentine’s Day (and maybe every day!).
• Send a message letting your partner know you are thinking of them or excited to see them at the end of the day. We long to know that we matter to the ones we love, so let your partner in on your feelings.
• Send a good morning or good night love meme.
• Share a memory or article with your partner that you found on your social media outlet and use it to get to know the other person’s opinions and desires.
• If scrolling and connecting is part of your time together, take a break and talk about what you each found interesting. Ask open-ended questions, like “What did you find most surprising to read today?” or “What emotions did you feel while seeing X.”

1. James A. Roberts, J. A., & David, M. E. (2016). My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction among romantic partners. Computers in Human Behavior, 54, 134-141. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.07.058.

2. Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57, 47-52.

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For some, Valentine’s Day is synonymous with flowers, candy, romantic evenings, sentimental greeting cards and couples expressing love (or strong “like”!). With this holiday right around the corner, we took a moment to ask CFIR Psychotherapist, Joshua Peters, M.A., R.P, “What tips can you offer to help single people who want to enjoy the day without focusing on being uncoupled?”.  Here’s his response: 

Valentine’s Day can be a difficult time for those who find themselves single on a holiday that celebrates romantic relationships. However, fear not, you can still find many great ways to celebrate this holiday that don’t involve finding or having a romantic partner. Here are a few tips for enjoying the day – as a single person:

• Reach out to your other single friends to connect and enjoy these relationships. After all, creating strong social ties is one of the best ways we can maintain our happiness — and this doesn’t mean having a romantic partner. 
• Be inventive! In recent years, many individuals have created “Anti-Valentine’s Day” or “Singles Awareness Day” celebrations. It can sometimes be a fun way to shake off any Valentine’s blues while also making light the holiday a bit lighter and fun. 
• Treat yourself! Splurge on that nice bottle of wine (or non-alcoholic sparkling cider) and a great meal. You deserve it and learning to do this for yourself can help you grow as a person.
• Self-Care Extravaganza! Start your day off right by trying one of the many mindfulness activities you can find online (there are some great options here) or try a new physical activity (go to the gym, try out that yoga class you’ve been wondering about, or go for a hike at a park you’ve never been too). 
• Challenge yourself! Try something new to broaden your experience of Valentine’s Day – let it be the start of something new in your life.
• Most importantly, let yourself experience whatever emotions you’re having! Try your best to label each experience (Sadness, happiness, excitement, hurt, pain, etc.) and provide yourself some time to journal at some point during the day about these experience. Your emotions are important and deserve to be explored.

If you can engage with even one of these activities you should consider it a success. Being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t always easy — but that doesn’t mean you can’t incorporate some fun activities.  

written by Sue McGarvie, M.A., sexwithsue.com

Every year researchers come up with new studies that outline the best way to stay connected with your significant other. Much of the advice seems like common sense. But even as a Sex and Relationship Therapist, I have to remember to be mindful and find time to really focus on my partner with these ideas. 

1. Stay positive

“It’s not surprising that the more positive a person is, the more likely they’ll be happy in their relationships. What’s interesting is just how much it matters.

In a study from the University of Chicago, researchers found that when a husband has a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in his relationship. Likewise, the way partners respond to each other’s good news matters too. In a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that the way couples react to each other’s good news—either with excitement, pride, or indifference—is crucial in forming a strong bond.”

2. Have a life outside of your partner

Not only is it important to have something interesting to talk about at the end of the day, outside friendships can help reinforce the couple connection. This doesn’t mean losing emotional intimacy with your husband or wife. It just means that married couples have a lot to gain by fostering their relationships with family members and friends. The happiest couples, she says, are those who have interests and support “beyond the twosome.”

3. Have fun together and do new things

It’s really easy to get in a rut. Doing things that are out of your comfort zone together creates hard-to-break bonds. This also means just having fun together. Research from The University of Denver shows that couples who make time for fun activities tend to stay together longer:

“The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies.

“The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant.”

4. Make time for great sex

Yes, I think sex is critical for relationships. Life can get in the way of being sexy. And as partners feel pushed away they are less likely to initiate. And sex starts to feel awkward. Being able to communicate about what your sexual needs are and asking for what you need sexually is something I often facilitate between spouses in my office.

Anthony Lyons, a study co-author and research fellow at La Trobe, said the main lesson from the study is that couples need to learn how to communicate about their sexual needs or their reasons for not wanting sex.

“Couples need to talk about the frequency of sex,” Dr. Anthony said in an e-mail. “Talking openly about sex and finding a middle ground with regard to frequency appears to be very important for overall sexual and relationship satisfaction.”

It might seem silly to do something like scheduling time for intimacy, but it’s important to open up the dialogue about your sex life to dedicate some time to just be with each other.”

5. Explore communication and the division of labour

Communication can be all important when it comes to impacting the relationship. I have a rule with my clients that they have to learn to talk about issues holding hands and maintaining eye contact. It helps. Understanding that if you can maintain your clam and learn to fight fair (here are the rules) then it goes a long way to settling the differences between couples.

Stop fighting about money, and quit talking about big issues by email or text.

Good communication takes effort, it’s hard, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. But when you let small things fester and don’t communicate, problems arise. Studies show that it’s usually money that causes this rift, but every relationship has its own set of issues that need to get worked through.

“Quit hashing out problems over text messages: Technology has a knack for disrupting relationships, but one study pinpointed that couples who deal with fights over text have a lower relationship quality. This means couples who used text messages to apologize or work out differences instead of having face to face conversations tended to report unhappiness. That said, positive texts like the occasional “I love you” are still great, just stop trying to work complicated things out over SMS.”

I hear about how exhausted the women who visit my office are feeling. Some of it is self-inflicted in that they want to entertain perfectly or have a Martha Stewart-esque Christmas. But many of them are working full time and then come home to another full-time job consisting of cooking, cleaning, shopping, child care, etc. Feeling overwhelmed and tired is one of the top reasons women are less interested in sex. 

Contribute to the household chores: In a small-scale study, UCLA researchers tracked the lives of several relationships over the course of 4 years. Their conclusions? Couple who have a system to handle household chores and who evenly disperse those chores are a lot happier. So, when your significant other makes the suggestion that you do the dishes now and again, just do it.

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by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. & Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

Our ability to trust another person is core to our being able to create and sustain close intimate relationships. When we are able to trust another, we reap the emotional rewards of feeling connected to others. Trust is an antidote against any sense of isolation and non-belonging as it allows us to develop relationships in which others can be experienced in a manner that feels emotionally safe and secure. We initially learn to trust others in our relationship with our parents, then our peers, and eventually our relationship partners. Sometimes when we have difficult early relationship experiences we lose our bearings in terms of whom to trust and how to trust another person.

Trust can be eroded when we are hurt, frightened, or angered by the behaviour of those to whom we are most attached. Emotional, sexual, or physical abuse or neglect in our early years, or past and current relationships can breakdown our capacity to trust another, particularly when abuse or neglect occurred by someone who we expected to be a source of safety and security for us. At other times, betrayals and emotional injuries arising from a perceived lack of support from our relationship can also alter our sense of the other person’s reliability, dependability, and trustworthiness. Sexual and emotional affairs, betrayals, and emotional injuries in close couple relationships also erode and create serious ruptures to the attachment bond between partners. These types of emotional injuries in our family of origin and our relationships with friends and partners can leave emotional residue. These injuries then become triggers that are activated in our relationships and that block us from feeling safe and secure with others.

We help you to learn how to trust again in the aftermath of different types of incidents that have eroded your trust in relationships. 

The Couples Therapy Service at CFIR offers clients comprehensive assessment, psychotherapy, and counselling to address a wide range of relationship and/or sexual issues for both individuals and couples. In terms of treatment, we offer individual, couple, and group therapy to help you to develop stronger relationships, heal relationship injuries, improve or add new relationship skills (e.g., communication, problem-solving and negotiation skills), and address sexual issues that interfere with sexual satisfaction and fulfilment, regardless of sexual orientation.

Read more about our Couples Therapy Service.

by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. & Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

“When communication breaks down, unprocessed negative emotions accumulate.” 

Emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy can be considered essential components of adult attachment bonds. Our capacity to engage in an intimate manner contributes to our ability to form and maintain mutually satisfying, long-term relationships. Emotional intimacy allows partners to feel seen, heard, and understood. Emotional closeness is core to developing satisfying couple physical and sexual intimacy.

When partners feel emotionally close, physical touch and sexual contact seem less threatening and more rewarding. A solid emotional connection allows individuals to be present and engage moment-by-moment in encounters involving intimate physical and sexual contact. Within this context, more intimate, arousing, pleasurable, and erotic encounters are then possible. On the other hand, when partners lack emotional closeness, they feel distanced or engage in circular, escalating conflicts as they strive to be understood and have their needs met by the other. Negative feelings and emotions begin to accumulate when partners are unable to intimately engage.

In some cases, a partner may fear intimacy, or lack the skills to engage in an intimate manner about their feelings, needs or desires, or lack knowledge about how to respond to the other’s feelings. When communication breaks down, unprocessed negative emotions accumulate. Unable to process their feelings and needs, partners engage in rigid, negative patterns with one another. They begin to distance from each other, experience separation fears, and engage in high-conflict exchanges in their effort to protect themselves from the growing sense of disconnection in the relationship.

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR help individuals and couple partners learn how to identify, express, and assert their selves in their relationships to others. We also support individuals and partners on how to exit from difficult relationship patterns and become more accessible and responsive to one another. Healthy relationship and sexual functioning are important in maintaining a good sense of ourselves. Both our physical and mental well-being is improved when we have the ability to create and sustain intimate relationships with others both outside and inside the bedroom. In fact, research affirms that many individuals struggle in their efforts to maintain relationship and sexual satisfaction throughout their lives, and that dissatisfaction in these areas of life can have an impact on our mental and physical health.

Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Treatment Service.