One of the most common struggles I see in couples therapy is the difficulty one or both partners have in identifying and expressing their own emotions. Many people grow up without ever learning how to name or understand their feelings. Emotions are internal signals – our mind and body’s way of letting us know that something important is happening within or around us. They help us make sense of our experiences, guiding our attention to what matters, motivating us to act. In school, we are taught math, science, and history, but rarely are we given the tools to navigate our inner emotional experiences. As a result, emotions can feel foreign, overwhelming, or even scary and dangerous.

Every emotion has a need attached to it. Sadness might signal a need for comfort or connection. Anxiety could be pointing to a need for reassurance or safety. Anger often shows up when a boundary has been crossed, indicating a need for respect or acknowledgment. Yet, when emotions remain unrecognized, so do the needs behind them. This can leave individuals and couples stuck – feeling misunderstood, unheard, and disconnected. 

Barriers to expressing emotions and meeting relational needs

One of the greatest barriers to emotional awareness and growth is shame. Many people have been taught (either directly or indirectly) that emotions are a sign of weakness or irrationality. This is especially true for emotions like anger, which can be labeled as “bad” or “destructive,”. Vulnerability can be seen as something to suppress and hide. The fear of being judged (by oneself or others) can keep us from exploring our emotions with curiosity and compassion. Struggling with emotions is not a personal failure -it’s more common than we realize, and an aspect I often see in my work. If we were never taught how to identify, name and process our feelings, how could we be expected to do so with ease? There is no shame in finding emotions confusing or intimidating. In fact, recognizing this struggle is the first step toward change.

In part 2 of this blog series, we will explore the steps we can take to start de-shaming being in touch with our own emotions, paving the way to more vulnerability and connection with our partner.

 Daniela Levi, MSW, MEd, is a Registered Psychotherapist at CFIR, specializing in individuals, couple and family therapy. Her work focuses on self-awareness and strengthening interpersonal relationships through an attachment-based and emotion-focused approach. With a deep passion for the role of emotions in relational dynamics, Daniela helps clients navigate their inner experiences to build deeper connections with themselves and others. She is currently pursuing her Doctorate in Psychology at the University of Toronto. 

We feel bodily signals often. Sometimes they indicate a need: to get warmer or cooler; to eat; to rest. Sometimes we get signals that lead us to believe that something is different in our bodies and we need to have that checked out in case it is a physical illness or condition. 

Often it is a psychological signal expressed through our body: tension in our jaws or in other muscles; an unsettled stomach; stuttering; a headache and many others. Of course one should rule out physical causes first. But many times we have checked with a physician and there is nothing wrong, it is repetitive and we have the feeling that it is related to something. We tend to call it with different names: “my anxiety”; “my symptom”.

Our attitudes towards these signals may vary from person to person and from time to time. We might tend to ignore them and sometimes they go away or they increase in strength and we have no alternative than to acknowledge them. At times we might get angry at the symptoms for showing up or at ourselves for having allowed them to come in and bother us. Some people might have, often unknowingly, caring attitudes towards the symptoms: “giving food“ to the stomach to calm the acidity; “caressing” the tense muscle; “trying to reason” with the headache that “now it is not the best moment to show up”. 

In general the psychological symptoms we have been discussing are signals from our body telling us that we are not doing what we want; that we are attempting to lie to ourselves; or that we are doing what we do not want to do. 

If we could take these symptoms at that level, that is, a warning, we could stop for a second and realize that it would be for our benefit to listen to them. The symptoms are signaling to us that we are entering a situation that we dislike. Sometimes we could change what we are doing but even when we cannot, there is a large difference between doing something that we do not like and doing something and trying to convince ourselves that we do like it. 

One might find it difficult at times to listen to the message of some of our symptoms. This might be because listening to them would imply changes we do not want to face or because we might need to admit that we are in the wrong path and we do not want to accept that. It might even be frightening to think about getting rid of the symptoms and realizing that most of our decisions for the future depend on us. Oftentimes, after starting to pay attention to their symptoms, people stop seeing them as “enemies” and see them as an opportunity to improve their quality of life. 

The decision to change is ours. 

David Mibashan holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Ottawa. For almost 40 years he has worked, as a Registered Psychologist, with people who felt depressed, anxious, at the verge of burn out or just not satisfied with some aspects of their life. Together with his clients, he has dealt with traumas, grief, giftedness, disabilities, immigration issues, among others. He utilizes a Humanistic / Existential approach integrating elements of Psychodrama, Gestalt and Systemic approaches. He works in English, French and Spanish.