By: Anya Rameshwar, B.A., R.P. (Qualifying)

Please note that the worry and sadness associated with a long-distance relationship can vary significantly from person to person — and no two experiences are exactly alike. For more, we recommend consulting with a mental health professional. You can find resources at the bottom of this post. 

A long-distance relationship is a romantic relationship between people who live far apart and cannot meet frequently. Most couples have been confronted with this dilemma at some point, whether it be ongoing, temporary, unexpected, or anticipated. The experience brings heartache, sadness, and even anxiety in any scenario, with doubts, fears and “what will become of us” questions. 

But don’t let those lingering worries and late-night ruminations overwhelm you. Having to separate from your romantic partner(s) means learning to navigate long-distance relationships. 

Focus determines direction. Focus on maintaining your relationship(s) while apart, and you’ll be successful. 

To help you navigate these changing dynamics, here are relationship cornerstones you can focus on when building up and strengthening your partnership(s).

The 4 pillars of a long-distance relationship. 

1. Passion – Nourish the passion in your relationship(s). This contributes to greater fulfilment – both in and out of the bedroom – as well as happiness and well-being. 
2. Romance – Enhance the romance in your relationship(s). Preserve some of the elements that were present from the early stages of your attraction. 
3. Communication – Share what you need, what you want, and what you don’t want with your partner(s)— actively discussing the relationship(s) and assuring ongoing commitment. 
4. Trust – Be honest and forthcoming. Be transparent and allow space to explore topics that might trigger your mistrust. Keep and follow through on commitments you make. 

By: Dr. Peter Egeto, C.Psych (Supervised Practice)

Everyone has this thought run through their head when they’re having trouble focusing on a work task, school assignment, or other commitment. It is a very frustrating obstacle, so why can’t we just focus?

Attention is the first, and crucial step to apply our thinking power to a task. Without it, we’re unable to learn, problem solve, or think clearly. There are lots of reasons why our attention can be challenged. 

Anxiety often takes attention away from the task at hand. Evolutionarily, anxiety developed partly to help us survive by looking for threats in the environment. Although your project deadline may not be a life or death “threat,” the emotion still kicks in and draws your attention away from the work you’re trying to do.

Alternately, some people’s brains develop differently, and have trouble controlling their attention. This is referred to as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). People with ADHD have great difficulty focusing because they are easily distracted by other thoughts or things in their surroundings. It can feel like your head is a vortex of racing thoughts, which can make a simple task frustrating or daunting.

How can I focus better? 

Luckily, there are ways to optimize your attention. Completing a neuropsychological assessment is a good way to tease apart whether your attention is hindered by anxiety, or potentially ADHD. It can also offer solutions tailored to your unique issues. Anxiety management strategies can free up your attention, while ADHD can be managed with medication, therapy, or both. 

By: Dr. Ashwin Mehra, C.Psych

It is a well-known adage that good communication is a central component of healthy relationships. Whether we communicate as a partner, parent, family member, or employee, the quality of the communication drives the outcome of that interpersonal interaction. We know this to be true through scientific research, as well as from our personal experiences. However,  it should be emphasized that negative communication can be just as detrimental to interpersonal outcomes as positive communication can be beneficial to them. We can understand negative communication using the framework of Polyvagal Theory, which is based on the activation status of the autonomic nervous system mediated by the action of the vagus nerve. This theory posits that our mind and body can be in a positive  (social engagement) state or in a distressed negative (fight/flight/freeze) state. The resultant communication from each state invariably influences the quality of the communication made from the respective positive or negative state. An interesting observation is that the neural pathways linking to empathy, mentalization and long-term thinking are disengaged during the fight/flight/freeze mind-body states. Engaging in communication with a partner, child or co-worker from this state is obviously counter-productive. Most people, in hindsight, usually wish to take back the things that they have communicated from this negative mind-body state.

In therapy, we can learn to better manage these negative mind-body states so that we can effectively navigate towards the positive mind-body states before communicating, rather than after. This helps us to be in the best possible position to communicate our emotional and other needs and to stay open to other viewpoints during the discussion. This allows us to stay engaged with empathy, mentalization and long-term thinking and the quality of our communication reflects this increased mental capacity. We can use our communication to emotionally self-regulate and strive to co-regulate with others, leading to desired interpersonal outcomes. Therapy becomes an exploratory process to help understand the pathways towards negative communication as well as a structured process to help remove blocks and build capacities towards positive communication. In summary, good communication is built on the foundation of also learning how not to communicate, and therapy can help with achieving that capability.

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Each year, millions of Canadians suffer from mild to debilitating bouts of depression and anxiety. “It’s so hard to figure out what next steps to take when your attention, concentration, emotional distress and basic sense of vitality are so affected by declining mental health” says Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych, Centre Director at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships in both downtown Ottawa and Toronto.

Figuring out your next steps isn’t so easy. Clients are often overwhelmed by the numerous choices and decisions that have to be made about treatment possibilities and who might be the appropriate mental health professional to help them.

Decades of research on depression and anxiety point to biological, attachment, developmental, childhood trauma, socio-cultural context, environment, emotional, cognitive, behavioural, personality and interpersonal factors as possible precipitators of symptoms. What’s causing you to be depressed and anxious can be complex to sort through.

“CFIR mental health clinicians employ a biopsychosocial model to understand and capture a broad picture of the factors that may be affecting your well-being. It’s not always so simple that there is only a sole factor underlying your symptoms—sometimes many factors have to be considered to address the different layers underlying a person’s distress” cautions Dr. Hakim, C.Psych., “and it’s important to find a practitioner that can understand your depression and anxiety in complex ways. For example, sometimes it’s not just about changing thoughts and how you are thinking about a situation.”

Choices and decisions also have to be made about treatment —medication and/or psychological treatment and what type of psychotherapy might be best for you. Adding to the burden of decision-making is the recent advent of computerized psychological treatments—where treatment involves minimal contact with a care provider. Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. offers several suggestions to help you wade through these complex waters.

“It’s always important to have a general physical health exam to rule out physical causes for your depression and anxiety. Your physician can help you with decisions about which medication might be best for you, and there’s even testing you can have done that can inform you about which medications might have lesser side effects for you. Physicians have different levels of training in mental health treatment and do provide medication options. You might want to also seek out a professional trained as a mental health practitioner along with your visit to your doctor”, according to Dr. Hakim, C.Psych.

Whether you decide to take medication or engage in psychotherapy as a first line treatment approach will depend on you. Numerous research studies, however, have been conducted to guide clients on this subject. Dr. Hakim, C.Psych provides insights from these studies; “Research shows that psychotherapy is effective for mild to moderate symptoms, and a combination of both medication and psychotherapy might be the way to go for individuals with severe and debilitating symptoms. Medication increases neurotransmitters in your brain and can make you feel better, and adding psychotherapy to the mix improves outcomes because the other possible factors underlying your depression and anxiety symptoms still have to be addressed.”

When it comes to choosing what type of psychotherapy might be right for you, clients have further complex decisions in front of them. Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. provides further guidance to help you sort through these decisions. “Some mental health care professionals provide clients with support to change the way they think about situations, or provide skills and strategies to deal with distress and symptoms (e.g., Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy). These types of approaches try to help the client to feel better by managing symptoms, yet there are often many potential factors underlying anxiety and depression. Other mental health care professionals will work with your past and present-day experiences to help you gain awareness and insight into your emotions, self and relationship patterns, self-protection and defences that interfere with healthy functioning. These approaches help you to find more adaptive responses to everyday life but requires a deeper exploration of and engagement with the individual’s emotions, self and past experiences (e.g., Psychodynamic Therapy).”

Some individuals may prefer to learn strategies to diminish symptoms and feel good without deeply understanding themselves by exploring their pasts and emotional reactions to every day life while others may want to understand themselves more profoundly. “The idea that our past influences our present-day experience is a commonly held notion in the field. The way we think and feel about ourselves, think and emotionally react and respond to others, and how we behave and relate to others in our present-day is highly influenced by our past experiences” according to Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. Her final word on this topic is “that finding a mental health clinician who can flexibly work with you and integrate different psychotherapy models might provide more opportunities to work on different factors underlying depression and anxiety symptoms.” This view of treatment is the basic philosophy that underlies the treatment approach offered by the over 75 mental health clinicians at Dr. Hakim, C.Psych.’s centre. They offer flexible treatment options to work with different factors underlying anxiety and depression, and can move between symptom and distress management to working with deeper underlying factors causing your distress.

Finally, Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. shares her perspective on computerized psychological treatment. ‘In Ontario, free computerized psychological treatment services are offered, which is good and I do refer my clients to these sites as an adjunct to the treatment I am providing. Computerized treatment isn’t for everyone and doesn’t necessarily capture the complex factors underlying a unique individuals struggles with depression and anxiety. Sitting alone in front of a computer with only intermittent meetings with a mental health care professional may not allow for the necessary support and treatment related to the numerous factors underlying symptoms. Depression and anxiety have attachment, developmental, emotional, personality and interpersonal factors that are difficult to address on a computer.”

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In life, we all experience what it feels like to start something new. We might start a new job, begin school or a class, or experience a significant life transition (e.g., becoming a parent). For some of us, starting something new can lead to intense anxieties and fear-based distress, and we can worry that somehow we might be exposed as unworthy, incompetent, or fraudulent people. This phenomenon is aptly referred to as the “imposter syndrome” and can have powerful psychological impacts and consequences to us. While imposter syndrome is not recognized as a formal psychiatric disorder, it can result in long-lasting anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and self-handicapping.

Imposter syndrome can manifest differently in different individuals, but many commonalities exist that indicate its presence. Some indications you may be experiencing imposter syndrome include the following:

• You have chronic feelings of self-doubt;
• You avoid or procrastinate on tasks that involve evaluation of your efforts;
• You tend to attribute your successes to external factors (e.g., luck) while blaming yourself for perceived failures;
• You have difficulty accepting compliments or praise about your accomplishments;
• You recall your failures more quickly than your achievements; and/or,
• You often compare yourself to others and believe they are more competent than you without much evidence.

If this sounds like something you might be struggling with, don’t despair! There are ways you can cope with imposter syndrome and start to feel better about yourself and your abilities over time. Here are some tips to get started:

Name it: Recognize that what you are feeling is real and valid.

Reach out: Connect with others to normalize your experience. Most people have felt similarly at one point or another in their lives. Through sharing our experiences, we can reduce feeling isolated and alone.

Ask for help when needed: Don’t suffer in silence. Ask for help when you need it from a teacher, mentor, manager, parent, partner, or friend. If you have trouble asking for support, start by asking someone who is the least intimidating to approach and feels trustworthy or safe.

Practice self-compassion: Suffering is a natural part of life, and it is okay to feel low at times. Pay attention to your negative self-talk and judgments. Offer yourself the same kindness and understanding you would a loved one. Write yourself a “love” letter or try a loving-kindness meditation.

Give yourself credit for your successes: If you are biased towards remembering your failures over your accomplishments, keep a credit list. However small they might seem, track your achievements to shift your mindset from noticing what went wrong to what went right!

Bring awareness to your beliefs: Acknowledge and challenge distorted beliefs like “I should know everything” or “It’s bad to ask for help.” These beliefs perpetuate the impossible task you lay on yourself to have all the answers. Permit yourself to be human and have off days.

Samantha Szirmak, B.A., provides therapy to adults experiencing a wide range of concerns, including anxiety, depression, shame/guilt, stress, grief, low self-esteem, identity struggles, body image concerns, chronic pain, and relationship difficulties. She also supports clients coping with traumatic life experiences or difficult life transitions. She provides psychological services under the supervision of Dr. Jean Kim, C. Psych., at Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR).

References

Bravata, D. M., Watts, S. A., Keefer, A. L., Madhusudhan, D. K., Taylor, K. T., Clark, D. M., Nelson, R. S., Cokley, K. O., & Hagg, H. K. (2020). Prevalence, Predictors, and Treatment of Impostor Syndrome: a Systematic Review. Journal of general internal medicine, 35(4), 1252–1275. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11606-019-05364-1

Clance, P. R. (n.d.) Imposter Phenomenon. Retrieved December 10, 2020, from https://www.paulineroseclance.com/impostor_phenomenon.html

Craddock, S., Birnbaum, M., Rodriguez, K., Cobb, C., & Zeeh, S. (2011). Doctoral Students and the Impostor Phenomenon: Am I Smart Enough to Be Here? Journal of Student Affairs Research and Practice, 48(4), 429–442. https://doi.org/10.2202/1949-6605.6321

Conflict, arguments, discussions, fights — whatever you’d like to call them –are entirely normal in all relationships. No matter how hard you might try to avoid them, chances are you are going to encounter conflict at some point within your personal relationships. What if, instead of trying to avoid conflict, we became better at it?

‘Good’ communication is said to be the secret to all conflict resolution. Although ‘good’ communication is essential, you should also consider some logistics when resolving conflict. Here are five tips to improve the logistics of your arguments:

1. Schedule your conflict. It sounds odd at first, but take a moment to think about it: Have you ever said something you did not mean during an argument? Most of us have. Emotional flare-ups at times stop us from engaging the “rational” part of our brains. Taking some time apart and preparing to “argue” at a specific time will allow both of you to settle your emotions and give you some time to reflect on what is important to you.
2. Take care of your body first. You would not go into an important business meeting or school presentation hungry, sleep-deprived, or in an unpleasant physical state, would you? Of course not. Doing so would alter your ability to think and perform in those situations effectively. The same applies here. If possible, make sure all your physical needs are met before engaging in a potentially conflictual discussion. Not only will this improve your mood, but it also allows you to think more clearly.
3. Neutral environment. Our environment makes a huge difference! Try to find a neutral place where you both feel comfortable discussing the issue(s) (and try to keep conflict out of your bedroom!) Ideally, bedrooms are for sleeping or sex; do not bring your arguments into that space.
4. Limit distractions. Put your mobile devices away, turn off the television, and give each other full and undivided attention. No one likes to feel like they are being ignored or not listened to; inattentiveness may make the argument much harder than it already is. The fewer distractions, the quicker you can focus on the discussion and (hopefully) come to a resolution.
5. No interruptions. If you have children in the house, make a conscious effort to watch your voice’s volume and tone. Finding healthy ways to resolve conflicts is vital because children and adolescents can absorb discord energy between parents. You also want to make sure you are in an environment where you will not be interrupted or cut-off. It is vital to mutually dedicate this time to focus on each other and the issue at-hand without fearing interruptions.

Rebeca Fernandez Bosanac, B.A. is a counsellor at CFIR working under the supervision of Dr. Reesa Packard, M.A., Ph.D., R.P. Rebeca is currently studying to complete her Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology at Yorkville University. Her professional experience includes working with at-risk youth struggling with extensive trauma, dual-diagnoses, and behavioural issues and working in harm-reduction programs with individuals who struggle with substance abuse, trauma, homelessness, and mental health disorders.

It’s no surprise that 2020 was a challenging year — with the pandemic bringing anxiety, grief, burnout, and financial strain to the masses, not to mention other stress-inducing events. Now that we’ve entered Winter 2021, we are currently experiencing a new challenge: navigating the pandemic’s effects at a time that is already difficult for many people. With pandemic fatigue, shorter and colder days, and social isolation, it’s safe to say that this winter hasn’t been an easy season to date for many people. Despite this challenging time, the good news is that we can do things to help us prepare for and cope with the transition into winter. 

Learn to enjoy the outdoors

Nothing is worse than experiencing months of winter when you hate winter. The antidote? Find ways to engage with the outdoors. The cold is an apparent reason why people struggle with winter. I’ve found it’s easier to bear with preparation — investing in warm and comfortable winter wear is a helpful first step, and a hot beverage in hand can make things more relaxing. Taking up a winter sport or activity can also make the outdoors more fun. Why not try sledding with the family on the weekend, try cross country skiing, or try to see the beauty in wintery nature by going for a walk? Trying different activities can also bring variety to your life, which is sometimes lost when we ‘hunker down’ during the pandemic.

Exercise 

With the winter months bringing in higher rates of depression and seasonal affective disorder, finding ways to cope is an essential step in their treatment. While exercise may not be a solution to these disorders, research has shown physical activity to be as effective in treating mild to moderate depression as medication (O’Neal, Dunn & Martinsen, 2000). Winter is when many people want to stay inside watching movies on the couch, and engaging in exercise might feel like a chore. The key is finding an activity you like and ways to make it the most comfortable choice. The best exercise is the one you’ll do, and often, it’s easiest to engage in an activity when it’s a part of your routine (like brushing your teeth). Experiment with a time of day that works best for you. Many people feel most motivated in the morning, and engaging in health behaviours early on in the day can snowball into more health behaviours as your day continues.

Try a little Hygge

‘Hygge’ (pronounced: “hoo – guh”) is an integral part of the Danish lifestyle, encompassing coziness, warmth, and wellbeing through enjoying simple pleasures in everyday life. Though Denmark is known for having intense winters, the hygge lifestyle is a custom that has contributed to making the country amongst the world’s happiest. So how do you incorporate more hygge in your life this winter? Light candles, snuggle under warm blankets, gather some good books, enjoy comforting foods, fit in some quality time to connect with loved ones – what sorts of things will you try? 

Schedule regular social time

Ever find that it’s becoming increasingly more comfortable to be socially isolated during the pandemic? These social distancing regulations make it challenging to spend time with our loved ones in the same way we once did. Many of us can become inclined to isolate; but, isolation can make winter especially difficult considering a time when depressive disorders are most common. Scheduling weekly video calls or socially distanced walks with loved ones helps manage the effects of social isolation. 

Be kind to yourself

When times get rough, it can be tempting to look for someone to blame — and we often direct it to ourselves. While many of us are our own worst critics and often criticize ourselves for instigating change, we may promote the opposite. How can any of us have a positive relationship with ourselves, feel motivated to complete work, or begin a healthier lifestyle if we unceasingly criticize, condemn, nitpick, or hate ourselves? We often speak to ourselves in a way that we wouldn’t talk to our worst enemy–so why say them to the person we’re supposed to have the most connected, intimate relationship with — ourselves? When you’re in the self-critical headspace, try talking to yourself as if you were your own best friend. What would they say? Would they be judgmental or provide a balanced view of the situation? Would they tell you all of the things you’re doing poorly, or would they highlight the positive and how for you’ve come? Would they provide further criticism, or would they soothe the wounds you’ve created for yourself? Remember, all you are ever doing is the best you can, at this moment in time, with the resources you have. That’s the best anyone can ever ask for, given the circumstances!

Seek professional help

Life isn’t simple, especially during a pandemic. Admitting that we need help can sometimes feel complicated. But no matter where you’re at in your life journey, you’re never broken — just stuck. Seeking professional help can be an excellent way to maintain your wellbeing and get support during your most trying times.  Consider contacting the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) if you are seeking therapy services. CFIR is a collective of over 70 clinicians who provide various treatment and assessment services and work with clients of all ages, life stages, cultural, sexual, gender, and romantic orientations. Free consultation and reduced fee options are available, making our services an affordable and accessible option for your therapeutic needs. We hope to be a part of your support network!

References

O’Neal, H. A., Dunn, A. L., & Martinsen, E. W. (2000). Depression and exercise. International Journal of Sport Psychology.

Carolyn Streich, BMus, B.A. is a counsellor at Centre for Interpersonal Relationships working under the clinical supervision of Tracie Lee, R.P. (Registered Psychotherapist). She currently holds a B.A. in Psychology (Honours), and is in her final year of her Masters in Counselling Psychology program (M.Ed) at University of Ottawa.

How we understand, feel, and behave interpersonally in adulthood stems from our experiences in our earliest relationships. As children, caregivers help us make sense of our experiences. They translate a physical reaction, such as crying, into a conscious feeling, thought, or desire. They do so by mirroring the child’s emotion, marking it with exaggerated facial, vocal, or gestural displays, and responding to it sensitively. They also put into words their own reactions, modeling ways to make sense of a child’s behaviours, and allowing the child to understand that people experience situations differently. These interactions foster what is called “mentalization”, which is the capacity to understand oneself and others in terms of possible thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires. 

And what about children who did not benefit from such interactions with caregivers? In cases of child abuse and neglect, the child’s physical experiences are often ignored or met with anger, resentment, and irritation. These responses leave a child with the impossible task of processing his experience alone, therefore compromising the development of mentalization. It is not surprising that many adults having suffered maltreatment in childhood often encounter difficulties in their adult relationships. They may often feel hurt or angry in relationships as their understanding of others’ intentions or feelings is either lacking or inaccurate, leading to conclusions drawn by their own painful experiences in childhood. Therefore, behaviours such as withdrawing from a situation may be perceived as an intentional rejection, when, in fact, it may result from other intentions or needs. 

At CFIR, we can help you develop your mentalization skills by taking a step back from situations that trigger strong reactions. By learning how to think about how you feel and feel about how you think, we can support you to create stronger bonds in your relationship with others. 

Lorenzi, N., Campbell, C. & Fonagy, P. (2018). Mentalization and its role in processing trauma. In B. Huppertz (Ed) Approaches to psychic trauma: Theory and practice (p. 403-422). Rowman & Littlefield. 

Camille Bandola, B.Sc., is a counsellor at Centre for Interpersonal Relationships working under the supervision of Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. She is currently in the fourth year of my doctoral program in Clinical Psychology at Université du Québec en Outaouais.