Blog 3:  Figuring Out Needs, Responsiveness to Needs: What Ultimately Brings Our Distress to an End

In this 3^rd blog in this 3-part series of blogs on emotional communication, I’ll be sharing with you information about the importance of delineating the needs that are at the root of your emotional distress and how responsiveness to these needs is core to bring about change to the feelings and emotions you are experiencing.  After you have expressed, or responded to your partner’s feelings and emotions, and you’ve repaired any ruptures, it’s very important to make that next leap to understand the needs that gave rise to the emotions.  The concerns, goals and needs underlying your emotions have to be stated clearly, directly and be realistic (e.g.., doable by the other).  

Step 4: Expressing Partner- Expression of Concerns, Goals and Needs: Upon completion of the acknowledgement and understanding phase and any repairs in communication, there has to be some type of dialogue related to the needs that underlie the emotions.  Figuring out our needs can be difficult and not within our awareness immediately.  Try to figure out what you need to reduce the distress and from your partner or for your self to shift your feelings (e.g…, “I really need to just go out for a walk and take a break”…or “I need to be alone momentarily”…or “I need for you to just listen to what’s been going on”, or “tell me everything is going to be okay”).  Do you need to just share your feelings? Have someone listen and validate you? Do you need reassurances? 

Make the need concrete, doable and realistic.  If you say something like “I need for you to love me” or I need for you to care more”—this might be too vague without clear examples of behaviours, or actions or words that you might require.  Be specific (e.g. “I need more affection” or “I need more support from you around the home and with the children, such as making sure you are present at dinner to help me cook and feed our child”.  Your partner will not be able to meet all of your needs.  Partners can meet many needs, but sometimes maybe only partially, and so be prepared to negotiate and compromise.

Step 5: Responding Partner- Responsiveness to Needs: Be prepared to respond to the expressed need as described by your partner, after ensuring you understand what is needed in concrete, clear terms. Do not provide any responses until you are clear about what your partner needs from you (e.g., “what I am understanding is that you need me to be more present and helpful by ….”).  Needs for emotional connection, contact, support, affection and sexuality have to be taken seriously as an emotional connection, care, affection and sexuality are cornerstones for the relationship. 

Make sure you clearly let your partner know that you plan to take steps to address these needs.  If you are unable to meet the needs, it’s important that you be prepared to let them know what is possible, and try to compromise and negotiate what’s possible.  

Step 6:  Both Partners -Clarifications and the Understanding the Responding Partner’s Emotions and Needs: It’s important that the responding partner’s feelings and needs are also shared about any situation that has caused distress.   Turn-taking is important.  Your partner might have their own feelings and needs related to what you are expressing.  The responding partner can then take his or her turn in becoming the expressing partner related to any situation or incident that was difficult for him or her (e.g., “I would like to share my feelings about the affection in our relationship and what I am needing here”).  Clarifying the responding partners feelings and needs related to the topic will help in the process of trying to figure out what they are able to offer as a response and can be used in trying to negotiate and find a compromise between both partners. 

Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. is CEO and co-founder of the CFIR. He has published book chapters and peer-reviewed journal articles on the subject of attachment, attachment injuries in couples, and attachment and sexuality. He has taught courses at the University of Ottawa in Interpersonal Relationships, Family Psychology, and Human Sexual Behaviour. He has a thriving clinical practice in which he treats individuals suffering from complex attachment-related trauma, difficult family of origin issues that have affected self and relationship development, depression and anxiety, personality disorders, sex and sexuality-related issues, and couple relationships. At CFIR, he also supports the professional development of counsellors, psychotherapists, and supervised practice psychologists by providing clinical supervision.

Blog 1:  Setting The Conditions for Emotional Communication

Welcome to my series of blogs about emotional communication.  In this 3 part series, I will be outlining basic emotional communication steps that you can use in your most intimate friendships and love relationships to help learn how to express your feelings, emotions and needs and respond to the others’ emotions. Attachment bonds are emotional bonds— your capacity to be able to both express your emotions in a modulated, non-threatening way, and to be responsive to these emotional signals in others plays an important role in creating emotional closeness and connection.  We are not designed to be left alone and isolated with difficult emotional experiences without reaching for a loving other. In these blogs, you’ll be provided with some simple steps to consider.  You’re on your way to greater emotional intimacy!  

In my first blog, I’ll be sharing with you various items to consider in setting up the conditions for emotional communication.  Emotional communication and intimacy takes time, patience, and your full attention and presence to your self.  Paying attention to these conditions might support you in your effort to provide your full attention and presence.

The conditions presented here are to help you set up the appropriate space to have emotionally laden dialogues.  We are most effective in being able to experience, reflect upon, and make sense of our own feelings and empathize and hold a compassionate space for others when our nervous systems are in a calmer and more restful state.  If we are overly stressed and distressed, and in a sympathetic nervous system response, also known as a ‘fight and flight response’, or in a dorsal polyvagal nervous system response, which involves a ‘shutting down’, we are unable to truly connect to our self and others and are  most likely to be defensive or self-protective.  We are more likely to block engagement, escalate conflicts, and only see our perspective, or disengage altogether.

To improve the possibility of not activating a ‘flight and fight’ or ‘shut down’ response during your dialogue, I suggest you consider establishing the following 4 conditions for your dialogues:

1. Pick an appropriate time and place for both of you to discuss your feelings, emotions and needs about any topic or incident. Make sure you and your partner are not distracted when having emotionally-laden discussions.  Do not have these types of discussions while doing any other tasks, such as driving, the laundry, cooking or watching TV–. You will need sufficient time to process. If you are in the midst of a discussion and cannot complete it, make sure to both commit to another time to complete the discussion.  Also, try to have these dialogues at a time and  place in your home that you both agree too—setting a regular time or processing space will ensure that these discussions are contained by a regular time and space in your home. 
2. Ensure that you are not overly emotionally aroused, tense or stressed or shutting down before, during and after the dialogue. Over arousal increases defensive responding, and blocks your ability to figure out and attend to your own and partner’s feelings and needs. If either of you are feeling too emotionally aroused or stressed, or shutting down, it is important that you engage in breathing, relaxation exercises, and possibly taking a break from your dialogue until you are both able to be more present to your self and the other. Monitor your body prior to and during the conversation to ensure that you are breathing rhythmically and are sufficiently relaxed (e.g, body scan to ensure that you are not holding tension throughout your body). Intimate emotional communication requires that you are both present and attentive, and calm and relaxed.  This contributes to the experience of connectedness and safety.
3. Deal with only one or two feelings, emotions or needs at any one time. Do not bring up other feelings, emotions from past incidents during your dialogue. Discuss one situation and/or event as processing multiple events and feelings intensifies emotional arousal and disrupts processing as a result of overarousal. Partners can quite quickly become flooded by negative emotions if too many past incidents are raised during one discussion. 
4. Recognize that at any one time you and the other may have different experiences of events and situations. You are a separate psychological being in body and mind from the other. Remembering that you might experience situations or understand them differently is important in helping you maintain an openness and curiosity to the other’s self.   Be prepared to be patient to give your partner the necessary time to FULLY describe his/her experience. Start as many statements as you can with words such as “In my experience” or “From my perspective”. These statements will help each of you to recognize that your experience of an incident is uniquely your own, and acknowledges the reality of how you may have different thoughts, feelings, emotions, preferences, desires and needs at any time and in any situation. Feeling seen and heard in regards to your unique experience by the other will lessen distressing emotional arousal.  

In this blog, I provided you with some ideas about creating conditions for your emotionally-laden dialogue to ensure that overarousal doesn’t result in escalations of conflict or shut downs and withdrawals.  In my 2^nd and 3^rd blogs, I will set out steps to help you in your emotional communication with others through 6 steps. I will be providing practical advice on how to emotionally cue and respond to your partner as they are expressing their emotions and needs.  These steps will allow for more efficient and effective emotional communication

Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. is CEO and co-founder of the CFIR. He has published book chapters and peer-reviewed journal articles on the subject of attachment, attachment injuries in couples, and attachment and sexuality. He has taught courses at the University of Ottawa in Interpersonal Relationships, Family Psychology, and Human Sexual Behaviour. He has a thriving clinical practice in which he treats individuals suffering from complex attachment-related trauma, difficult family of origin issues that have affected self and relationship development, depression and anxiety, personality disorders, sex and sexuality-related issues, and couple relationships. At CFIR, he also supports the professional development of counsellors, psychotherapists, and supervised practice psychologists by providing clinical supervision.

For many in the BIPOC community, finding the right fit with a therapist can be a difficult and arduous endeavor. There are a myriad of experiences that racialized people face and endure that may be unbeknownst to a therapist outside of their community. So often, many BIPOC-identified people struggle with being seen, heard and validated in society, so it is essential that when they do seek mental health services, that they are paired with a therapist who can support them in a safe-space where their lived racialized experiences are taken into account during treatment.  

Here are two questions to assist in your search for a therapist: 

1)   Do you operate within an Anti-Oppressive framework?

By asking a therapist if they have received additional training in an anti-oppressive framework  is important in serving some of the needs for BIPOC-identified clients that differ from other populations served.  A therapist who incorporates an anti-oppressive framework is educated on the racial and oppressive inequities that can pre-dispose a client to experiencing mental health difficulties. 

2)   What professional development have you done to work with the BIPOC community?

While it is okay to ask a therapist for their educational and professional experience in general, it is important to obtain a sense of how a therapist works with people from different cultures and/or marginalized people. For many BIPOC-identified clients, it is important that their therapist demonstrate an openness and inclusive approach to working with clients of diversity. Obtaining clarity on how a therapist works with the BIPOC community can directly inform your selection of therapist in this respect. For the BIPOC community, seeking therapy may be difficult in general; however, knowing that your therapist has received further education in working with diverse populations with an anti-oppressive approach may create less of a barrier to seeking and engaging in therapy.

Teisha Gunness, PsyD. is a therapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Ottawa. Ms. Gunness provides psychological services to individuals and couples using an integrative approach by using therapeutic techniques comprising of Adlerian Psychology, Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Attachment informed therapies, Multicultural Therapy, Feminist Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples. She has received additional training in Anti-Oppressive Psychotherapy™, Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT Level 1 and 2), Relational Life Therapy (RLT Level 1) and is an EMDR certified practitioner. Please note that she is not currently accepting referrals for EMDR therapy  

Self-awareness is one of those topics in which Western and Eastern teachings meet. It is a concept that has gained a lot of attention although there are still variations in the names used to refer to it, the concept of it and the applications of this term in different contexts. 

Since the 1970’s there had been efforts to define self-awareness including the idea that this is about individuals’ ability to focus on the self and/or focus on others or the external world. Self-focus could involve the attention in the present moment to emotions, thoughts and thinking, behaviors and physical sensations. Others had referred to it as the “observing self”. Although there are different factors that can affect people’s ability to develop or maintain self-awareness, individuals can still learn to become more self-aware. In daily life, self-awareness could support self-regulation in the interaction with others and could contribute to self-reliance and the ability to sooth and calm oneself when triggered by events or people, the possibility to shift states. It can also help in identifying what is happening internally, recognizing and naming the emotions, accepting them, understanding how the body carries the emotion making it real. The development of self-awareness skills could be supported by mindfulness exercises including breathing, body scans, mindful walks, mindful eating and by openness and curiosity to enquire about individuals’ experiences to make sense of what is happening internally. 

In therapy, the self-awareness of the client and the therapist are critical for an effective therapeutic process. In this context, being self-aware could facilitate clients in a deeper exploration of their internal experiences, gaining more insight about reactions, beliefs and patterns. Self-awareness has been also considered a key attribute of therapists. In this context, self-awareness has been referred as the knowledge and insight that therapists have of themselves, of their own issues, their strengthens and weakness as well as their biases. Self-awareness can be developed and it is a skill that can facilitate both the therapeutic alliance and therapeutic outcomes.

Although there have been efforts to define its attributes, self-awareness can be experienced differently since it is a very personal way to relate to oneself, to others and to the world. Self-awareness would be hardly a state individuals reached and preserve for long. It could be more an instant, a moment of mindful attention involving body, mind and emotions, here and now, that can be expanded with practice. The presence in the present moment gives a unique quality to the way life can be experienced. It could provide a sense of control because it is not about the past or the future; it is only about here and now. It could help individuals anchor themselves in a place in which they could challenge beliefs and re-write life narratives. It may help in breaking patterns developed in the past as a way to cope with distress, even if it is for just a moment. It is a skill or ability that could open opportunities to continue to know one self in a process of self-actualization.

Myriam Hernandez is a Registered Psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Myriam provides services to individual adults, couples, LGBTQ2 experiencing a wide range of difficulties related to mood and anxiety disorders, trauma, interpersonal relationships, grieve, identity, gender, sex and sexuality, existential and meaning making issues. She works from a humanistic approach and integrates therapeutic techniques from Psychodynamic, Attachment, Object Relations, Emotion-Focused, Mindfulness, Cognitive-Behavioral and Parts theories. Myriam began her meditation practice since her teen-age years. She works with her clients in developing self-awareness skills to support the therapeutic process and outcomes. 

Winters are a hard time for so many of us – we can get stuck in routines, retreat more within the comfort of our homes, and perhaps most challenging, we find ourselves reflecting on ourselves and our relative contexts. In fact, this particular time of year is synonymous with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), an experience that is so common it has become a (uninvited) household name and guest. 

Mental health challenges tend to be more acutely challenging this time of year, as it becomes more difficult for us to maintain self-care routines, try to get adequate sleep, and feel well balanced – we tend to slip back into old habits, enter into more relational struggles with our loved ones, and generally feel less satisfied and resilient. Small stresses can take us down, and we find ourselves stuck with distressing thoughts, and uncomfortable emotions. What if it didn’t have to be that way?

Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based and often gold-standard approach anchored to client needs to address the unhelpful thinking and behavioural patterns that underly the challenging emotions that hold us back. 

How does it work? 

Work with a cognitive-behavioural therapist involves developing a treatment plan that is tailored to address a number of client goals. It is a short-term treatment that generally lasts between 8-24 sessions. CBT focuses on finding solutions, providing strategies and techniques to improve coping and reduce distress, designed to help clients challenge difficult thoughts and beliefs, and change problematic behaviours. A number of specific interventions have been developed stemming from a cognitive-behavioural perspective: Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). 

The CBT Clinic

On January 16^th, 2023, the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) opened its doors to The CBT Clinic. CFIR is poised to provide cognitive-behavioural therapy in a client-centered fashion, tailored to your specific needs. The CBT Clinic includes a large number of empathic and caring mental health professionals that can see clients virtually, and in-person at our sites in Ottawa and Toronto. 

Dr. Marc Bedard, C.Psych. is a psychologist and neuropsychologist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Dr. Bedard provides psychological services to individual adults experiencing a wide range of psychological and relationship difficulties related to mood and anxiety disorders, trauma, eating disorders, sleep disruptions, and interpersonal betrayal. He works from a client-centered approach and integrates therapeutic techniques from object relations, ego, and self-psychology psychotherapies, emotion-focused therapy (EFT), and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). He also provides neuropsychological assessment services to individuals with acquired brain injury, post-concussive difficulties, and to diagnose issues related to neurodivergence (e.g., Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder). Dr. Bedard is the Director of the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Clinic (CBT-C) at CFIR. 

Key Points:

1. Tangible Goals System
2. Internal Motivation
3. Self-Compassion

Have you ever set a New Year’s resolution filled with determination and ambition, followed by a shattering crash? I have! 

Setting a resolution is a big deal and can surely contribute to our sense of ambition and fulfillment. However, we tend to set goals that are completely doomed for failure. Read more for tangible tips to help your resolutions actually stick.

Tangible Goals System

Think of a goal you want in your life. Now, take that goal and break it into smaller goals (the more the merrier!). It is crucial to differentiate between what is and what is NOT in your control. These simple but mighty tips help our goals to become realistic, attainable, and practical. The more specific and distinct your system is, the greater the probability of following through with your goals. 

Internal Motivation

Consistent momentum’s best friend is internal or intrinsic motivation. Odds are, when we’re preoccupied on what the world thinks we “should” be doing, our motivation comes in spurts. Meaning, we are likely to experience that crash. If your motivation is coming from a place inside of you, it’s intrinsic and its lasting. Learning how to access that place inside of us can be easier said than done. Psychotherapy can be a great tool to help us strengthen our sense of self, improve our identity resilience, and learn how to differentiate between internal and external motivators. CFIR professionals are here to help you do just that, and more.

Self-Compassion

Don’t let a lapse turn into a relapse. Allow the setbacks to happen and then get back on track. Prioritizing self-compassion leaves us with the realistic wiggle room we need when it comes to attaining a goal. It can also help us to manage our expectations, eagerness, and feelings of guilt. Self-compassion is not based on positive judgements or evaluations, it is a way of relating to ourselves. The motivational power of self-compassion is the difference between working hard to grow and to learn vs. needing to impress ourselves and/or the world.

Natasha Vujovic, RP (Q). is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) at CFIR. She works with individuals and couples experiencing a wide range of psychological and relational difficulties including anxiety and stress, depression, mood and grief, relational conflict, trauma, life transitions, personality, body-image, marital and pre-marital, internal conflicts, family dynamics and self-esteem. Natasha is an integrative therapist pulling from psychodynamic/analytic theories and takes a collaborative and honest approach to session.

By: Katherine Van Meyl, M.A.

“We keep having the same fight over and over again.” 

“I feel so angry when he doesn’t listen to me, I feel out of control!” 

“Sometimes when we are talking, I just zone out and think of other things.”

“When I feel this way, I actually hate her, which is crazy, because I love her!”

I’ve noticed that people attend relationship therapy when they feel “stuck,” and are having the “same fight” repeatedly with their partner(s), leaving them feeling angry, resentful, hopeless, sad, and alone. I have seen people experience this regardless of their relationship structure (monogamous, non-monogamous, kinky), gender identity, and/or sexual orientation. You’re not alone! This is more common than you might realize.

Usually, something real is happening in the moment. For example, you might feel rejected and/or angry because your partner “cut you off” during a conversation. When you try to address this with your partner, your partner becomes defensive (“that wasn’t my intent!”), which further angers you. As a result of this experience, maybe you feel the need to “escape,” shut down, or get so angry you threaten to end the relationship. The depth of your emotions, how much you feel whatever you’re feeling, is often an indication that something deeper is going on. 

This is the work of therapy, figuring out all the textures and layers of what is happening “beneath the surface” in our relationships and learning to differentiate our past experiences from our present.

If you and/or your partner(s) identify with some of what is written here, you may benefit from Developmental Couple Therapy for Complex Trauma (DCTCT). This treatment was developed by Dr. Heather MacIntosh, C. Psych., to help couples cope with the long-term impacts of childhood trauma, including emotional, physical, and sexual trauma. Many clinicians at CFIR-CPRI have been trained in this approach.

The goal of DCTCT is to help couples learn how to tolerate, understand, and manage their own and their partner’s emotions, how to understand each other’s perspectives, and how to be present and engaged to meet one another’s emotional and attachment needs. 

The treatment involves four stages. In Stage One, the focus is on establishing a relationship with your therapist and understanding how trauma impacts relationships, attachment styles, sexuality, and shame. In Stage Two, the focus is on skill building, particularly mentalizing capacities and emotion regulation capacities. In Stage Three, the therapy moves towards understanding how you and your partner may be re-creating certain traumatic “scenes” from childhood (the vignettes above likely have elements that can be traced back to early childhood experiences). Without the ability to mentalize and regulate our emotions, stage three would be too triggering for couples. Finally, in Stage Four, learning is consolidated and treatment ends. I will expand more on this in a future blog post! Keep an eye out for it in early 2023.

As with most treatment models that have “stages,” people in relationships weave in and out of these stages at different times throughout treatment. That’s normal! This treatment model is a guide, but every relationship is different and therefore, may need more time in certain stages than others.

If you and/or your partner(s) are interested in learning more about trauma, how it impacts our relationships and how it can be treated, please get in touch. 

With guidance, it’s possible to start shifting these patterns in our relationships.

Katherine Van Meyl, M.A., is a trauma-focused psychodynamic therapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships. Katherine works with individuals, couples and families with a specific focus on relational distress, trauma and PTSD. Katherine is supervised by Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C. Psych., for adults & couples and Dr. Lila Hakim, R.P., C. Psych., for families. 

By: Dr. Sara Antunes-Alves, C.Psych.

Human beings are hardwired for connection. Unlike other mammals, we rely absolutely on our attachment figures for survival, for an extended period of time, from birth. Without secure connection, our health is at risk. 

When we experience trauma, the wiring for connection is disrupted and we develop adaptations in order to feel safe. It is important to note here that trauma needn’t necessarily be a “Big T” trauma, which include disturbing experiences that happened to you, such as sexual abuse, loss of a loved one, and violent crimes, but also “little t” traumas, especially ones that repeat throughout our development. “Little t” traumas are ones that cause us distress and uncertainty and can also include experiences that didn’t happen to you but should have. A lack of emotional availability from an attachment figure – even if they had the best of intentions – can be traumatic. 

Our attachment style refers to the behaviours we engage in to feel safe with others. Attachment exists on a spectrum, and we may be a mix of different attachment styles, and with different people. Disruptions in attachment tend to originate from our early developmental years, within our families, but can also be affected by harmful experiences later on, such as with a painful romantic relationship or being bullied in school.

There are four attachment styles, and they are briefly described below:

Secure Attachment:This is the “ideal” attachment leaning, manifesting as a healthy level of interdependence with another and comfort expressing emotions openly; relationships are a place of thriving, but being alone is also not necessarily a distressing place. You feel comfortable relying on another for support and having them rely on you.Avoidance and anxiety are low.

There are three forms of insecure attachment:

Dismissive-Avoidant:This attachment leaning manifests as (emotional) distance from others, valuing a high level of self-sufficiency and independence; closeness feels threatening and efforts to push another away can be prevalent; emotions are generally suppressed and denied. You feel triggered by closeness and intimacy. Avoidance is high and anxiety is low. 

Anxious/Preoccupied:This attachment leaning is characterized by high needs for intimacy and a fear of abandonment and rejection. These are managed by high attunement to another’s emotions and pronounced efforts to meet the other’s needs, often at the expense of their own. Eventually, protest behaviours to feel reassured may occur. You feel triggered by distance and uncertainty. Avoidance is low and anxiety is high. 

Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized:This attachment leaning manifests in a push-pull dynamic. The individual desires connection with another and simultaneously fears it, leading to inconsistent and ambiguous behaviours in social bonds. Emotions are not regulated well and a sense of shame is prevalent; both closeness and distance can feel triggering. Here, anxiety and avoidance are both high.

The above insecure attachment styles represent clever adjustments as a result of important developmental needs not being met. They reflect humanity’s impressive propensity for survival through adaptation. However, at some point, you may find that these adaptations are no longer useful to you and may in fact be causing you or your relationships harm. 

The good news is, attachment styles are not fixed; they can change. 

If you find yourself identifying with an insecure attachment style, there is hope. It is not a life sentence. With greater awareness of your attachment style with another, what makes you feel threatened and how you find safety, you can learn to pause and choose to respond in more adaptive and secure ways. It is an effortful and sometimes lengthy process of re-learning, but it is never too late to choose. 

Dr. Sara Antunes-Alves, C.Psych. is a psychologist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Sara provides therapy to individuals experiencing a range of psychological difficulties, and especially enjoys helping others understand their relationship to self and others, and how attachment (trauma), especially in formative years of development, affects adults in their current functioning. Her approach to therapy begins with building self-awareness, which she believes is necessary for meaningful change. Sara makes efforts to highlight the importance of having a more integrated perspective of one’s functioning, including one’s intellectual, emotional, and physiological states of being. She incorporates interpersonal and psychodynamic psychotherapies, emotion-focused therapy (EFT), and cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) to help clients achieve their therapeutic goals.

Not feeling fulfilled at work? This might be why.

By: Erin Leslie

Are your work products and talents being diminished? How do you know?

Diminishing language or behaviour can be tricky to identify sometimes, especially if you are looking up to the other person as a mentor. 

Constructive feedback is a key indicator.

Leaders who support their teams typically share knowledge and best practices as an investment in you. After a collaborative effort or task review meeting you should feel like your next version or action will be your best! 

If you’re facing a wall of disappointment after your meetings, take some time to reflect on your own actions, the mentor relationships you have, the type of language being discussed and what you need from it to improve. 

How do you attempt to relay key message to your work peers and or mentors and ask them for guidance that fills your productivity bank? Not empties it.

Career counselling helps you understand the “ick” in your work-life and establish ways on how you can work to improve difficult or diminishing relationships. It highlights key areas that could be impacting your quality of work and provide you with implementable tools on how to improve them.

Here are some key reflections that can help you identify if you have positive working relationships and supportive communication at your current job:

• How would you rate your ability to be assertive when its most necessary. 
• Are you able to extend compassion at moments when it counts at work? 
• How do you transmit information to your team or peers positively?
• How do you internalize stressful or negative information? 
• Do you see relationship building as an enabler or a hurdle?
• Do you wish you could set personal work boundaries that support your needs emotionally but that don’t cut you off from the work team?
• Are you able to inform a colleague that you are not satisfied with their communication style and need them to meet you in a different space?
• How do you promote open and collaborative thinking at work? 
• What is your network worth to you and how to evaluate its value?

Career coaching gives you tools to improve balanced work relationships and improves your career reach with how to grow a productive professional network. Have more confidence in your vocational relationships for a more focused work-life outcome for your future. 

Erin Leslie is a career counsellor at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Recenlty named 2022 Top 15 Coaches in Ottawa. With over 20 years in business leading technology teams delivering innovation in private and public sectors, Erin understands the complexity of career building and business strengths through an emotional intelligence lens. She publicly speaks about the invisible skillset EQ and how industries are shifting to a more human-centered focus to improve outcomes for employees, products and services. Erin is certified in EQ-i 2.0 assessments, performs vocational assessment analysis, and career planning to help professionals, teams and newcomers’ with all aspects of business negotiation, personal branding, networking and career accelerator skills. She believes that every career could benefit from career counselling.

 By: Erin Leslie, EQ-i Certified

Choosing a career can be a daunting task for young adults.  Being the parent of a child embarking on this process can be stressful as there are not always simplified resources available in academia to support young adults with the tools to guide them to a fulfilling profession. 

 It’s especially hard for a young person, as they have less work experience and limited life experiences to know what they like and how to best leverage their skills in a work environment. Part of parenting is providing the pathways to help guide a decision-making process so that the result is a self-made fulfilling choice and a new horizon towards personal development. However rarely does life follow a unique path and when time and ideas are limited resources where do you and/or your child turn to for support?

Career counselling helps individuals discover their best suited career pathway and helps to guide them with tools to improve essential career building skills. 

It’s important to choose the right educational options in order to lead to a great first step into a new career journey. Through coaching and vocational assessments, you can have important information in hand in a short matter of time to make informed and positive decisions for you career. 

Did you know that career choices before or after graduation depend on your ability to network in your preferred industry?

Not sure what is your preferred industry? 

Not sure how to network? 

Looking for help to improve your ability to land the right job for your career now or after you graduate? 

Career counselling is a proven support to getting the tools you need to succeed. 

Here are a few of the ways in which career counselling can give you a personal edge on leading a successful early career experience:

• Resume tips 
• Understanding the power of Mentorship 
• Skills and vocational types assessments
• Networking guidance 
• Interview preparation 101
• Presentation materials and tips 
• Industry and profession navigation support 
• Job market trends
• Passion vs. Needs and how to balance your vocational objectives
• Core skills and how to bring them to the forefront in your work

Don’t wait to plan your career, a common myth is that you need to be a graduate in order to plan your career. Get a head start on being in the right work for you at the beginning of your career. Learn how to build a successful carer plan that you can adapt over time to support your vocation development with a career coach.

Erin Leslie is a career counsellor at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Recenlty named 2022 Top 15 Coaches in Ottawa. With over 20 years in business leading technology teams delivering innovation in private and public sectors, Erin understands the complexity of career building and business strengths through an emotional intelligence lens. She publicly speaks about the invisible skillset EQ and how industries are shifting to a more human-centered focus to improve outcomes for employees, products and services. Erin is certified in EQ-i 2.0 assessments, performs vocational assessment analysis, and career planning to help professionals, teams and newcomers’ with all aspects of business negotiation, personal branding, networking and career accelerator skills. She believes that every career could benefit from career counselling.