Trauma and Couple Therapy

Trauma and couple therapy is a specialized area of counseling that emphasizes how individuals can grow and heal within the context of their relationships, especially when trauma is part of the picture. 

While childhood trauma can shape a person’s ability to emotionally connect, communicate with, and trust others (MacIntosh, 2019), individuals who have experienced trauma also possess incredible adaptability and strength. Survivors who form relationships may encounter some difficulties with communication or intimacy, however, these challenges can also be considered as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding (MacIntosh, 2016).

Those who have experienced childhood trauma may face emotional regulation difficulties. In some instances, survivors may feel the urge to withdraw or shut down when emotions become intense. However, this is a natural coping mechanism rooted in past experiences. When they work on developing skills to better regulate emotions, couples can start to view their relationship as a space for healing, compassion, and emotional connection. Rather than seeing emotional moments as obstacles, they can become opportunities for building empathy and mutual support.

With the help of a skilled therapist, individuals can understand how past trauma influences current relationship dynamics and can tap into their inherent strengths and resilience, deepen their bond, and create a loving, safe environment (Platt and Freyd, 2015). If you and your partner are navigating the impact of individual or shared trauma in your relationship, therapy can help you both build the skills to regulate emotions, manage conflict, deepen intimacy, and restore connection in all aspects of your partnership.

References

Godbout, N., Runtz, M. G., MacIntosh, H. B., & Briere, J. (2013). Childhood trauma and couple relationships. Integrating Science and Practice, 3(2), 14–17.

MacIntosh, H.B. (2019). Developmental Couple Therapy for Complex Trauma. Taylor & Francis.

MacIntosh, H. B. (2016). Dyadic traumatic reenactment: An integration of repetition and enactment into the understanding of negative interaction cycles in childhood trauma survivors and their partners in couple therapy. Clinical Social Work, 45(4), 345–353. 

Platt, M. G., & Freyd, J. J. (2015). Betray my trust, shame on me: Shame, dissociation, fear, and betrayal trauma. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 7(4), 398.

Elizabeth Waite, M.A. is a Registered Psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) working under the clinical supervision of Dr. Jean Kim, C.Psych. and Dr. Heather MacIntosh, C.Psych. Elizabeth provides therapy to adult individuals and couples and has training and interest in treating couples who have an individual or shared history of childhood trauma. She also has experience treating eating disorders and issues relating to anxiety, depression, grief and loss.

Burnout is a condition that often begins subtly, like a small flicker of discomfort in our daily professional lives. It canmanifest as fatigue that lingers, low motivation and productivity with work duties or a growing sense of frustration, stress and dissatisfaction at one’s job (WHO, 2019; Maslach, Christina & Leiter, 2016). These signals are not always immediately recognized as signs of burnout, but they can indicate that something is out of balance in our mental, emotional, or physical well-being.

In times of being busy with many demands of life, the tendency is to ignore these signals because we’re still getting things done at work and juggling our personal commitments. So it can be easier to push through with the belief that we can handle it or that things will get better and we “just need to make it through this month.” But ignoring these cues can often lead to more intense feelings of exhaustion, irritability, stress, low mood and decreased motivation (Salvagioni, Melanda, Mesas et. al, 2017).

When noticing these symptoms, this can be a really good opportunity to reassess and engage with practical strategies to feel better and regain balance.

1. Recognizing the need for rest. This doesn’t just mean getting better sleep, but also taking mental breaks throughout the day like creating 15 minute breaks in our calendar, or periodically scheduling a day or afternoon off.
2. Awareness of boundaries. Sometimes we may push ourselves to meet the demands of others at the expense of our own well-being. Start by identifying where you can say “no” or delegate tasks. This may mean having difficult conversationsbut protecting your time and energy is key.
3.  Add self-care into your routine. This might include engaging in a small hobby, going for a walk, reading, or practicing mindfulness for a few minutes each day. These things may not seem ‘productive’ but they matter and can help to ground us and reduce stress.
4. Seek support. Talk to a therapist, a trusted friend/family member, or a mentor. They can possibly provide valuable guidance and compassion to alleviate the sense of self pressure and isolation that can occur when struggling.

Burnout is not a sign of weakness, it’s a signal that we need to prioritize our physical, mental and emotional self. The willingness to reflect, evaluate and make small changes to our day-to-day can go a long way in helping regain balance and ultimately improve our overall well-being.

Dr. Jamal Lake, Psy.D, C.Psych. is a Clinical Psychologist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships. Using a calm, compassionate yet engaging approach, Dr. Lake provides psychotherapy to adults for a range of challenges including concerns related to anxiety, stress/burnout, depression, ADHD and relationship difficulties. He primarily works from a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) lens but integrates other evidence-based therapies such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) and mindfulness-based techniques into his treatment.

References

Maslach, Christina & Leiter (2016). “Understanding the Burnout Experience: Recent Research and Its Implications for Psychiatry.” World Psychiatry15, no. 2: 103–11.

Salvagioni DAJ, Melanda FN, Mesas AE, González AD, Gabani FL,  Andrade SM (2017). “Physical, Psychological and Occupational Consequences of Job Burnout: A Systematic Review of Prospective Studies.” PLOS ONE 12(10): e0185781. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0185781

World Health Organization (2019). Burnout an “occupational phenomenon”: International Classification of Diseases. Retrieved December 18, 2024, from: https://www.who.int/news/item/28-05-2019-burn-out-an-occupational-phenomenon-international-classification-of-diseases.

When faced with a challenging or traumatic life experience, many clients often expect that “getting over it” is the goal. These instances, particularly those that are traumatic in nature, reshape how our brains process events, emotions, and relationships. Ongoing and fruitless attempts to reduce symptoms may in fact worsen one’s distress (Harris, 2006). While problem-solving strategies are highly adaptive in the outside world, they are not always applicable within our internal psychological worlds. The more time and energy we spend trying to rid of these negative experiences, the more we may suffer in the long term. Alternatively, compassionate healing recognizes that recovery is a process rather than a destination. Instead of erasing the past, clients are guided towards creating safety, self-understanding, and growth (Harris, 2006).

Though it’s natural for our initial response to distress to be “I want this to go away,” some clients benefit from altering that relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings. Though they are uncomfortable, they are approached with compassion and curiosity rather than the perspective that they are something to “get over.” We experience some form of distress on a daily basis, so allowing room for unpleasant feelings, sensations, and urges to come and go without struggling with them actually helps in reducing their frequency or severity (Harris, 2006). Once we can separate ourselves from our thoughts, we are able to see them as passing events rather than absolute truths. By this perspective, healing happens not by “getting over it,” but my embracing what is, while striving for what can be.

Erin Rehmann, M.A., is a therapist and psychometrist at CFIR. She is supervised by Dr. Mard Becard, C.Psych. Erin provides individual psychotherapy to individual adults with a wide presentation of mental health difficulties, specializing in anxiety, depression, self-esteem challenges, trauma, and emotional dysregulation. She utilizes an integrative and collaborative approach, primarily using person-centred, cognitive behavioural, and acceptance and commitment therapy. Erin also provides psychological assessments to adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. 

Harris, R. (2006). Overview of ACT: A brief introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Retrieved from https://static1.squarespace.com/static/509ad2ede4b011ec832812ed/t/5b896b1870a6ad36f8841834/1535732505180/Russ+Harris+-+Overview+of+ACT.pdf

As we move into the New Year, many of us reflect on the past year and set intentions for the year ahead. Among the most common resolutions are goals related to personal growth, career development, and self-improvement. While these aspirations are important, they often require more than just a change in habits; they demand a deep commitment to nurturing both our professional skills and our sense of self-worth. The start of a new year offers a powerful opportunity to take intentional steps towards advancing in our careers while also fostering a healthy relationship with ourselves.

How can you use the New Year spirit as a launchpad for career development, self-worth enhancement, and overall growth? This two-part blog will share some tips to help you push ahead in your career search.

1. Assess Your Current Situation

Before you can chart a course toward career development and increasing your self-worth, it’s essential to take stock of where you are right now. Reflection is the first step in any growth process. This involves asking yourself some key questions:

• Where do I stand in my career right now?
• What have been my major achievements, and where could I improve?
• Do I feel valued in my current role, and how can I enhance my contributions?

Reflection allows you to recognize both your strengths and areas where you may need growth. If you’ve been feeling stuck in your career or uncertain about your value, this process of honest self-assessment can help uncover gaps in your skills or areas where your confidence may need a boost. This is not about being critical of yourself; rather, it’s an opportunity to approach your career with curiosity and a desire to grow.

2. Set Clear, Actionable Goals for Career Enhancement

Once you’ve assessed where you are, it’s time to define where you want to go. Setting clear, actionable goals is critical to advancing your career. Whether you’re aiming for a promotion, considering a career switch, or looking to enhance specific skills, having clear goals can provide you with a roadmap for success.

When setting goals for career development, consider the SMART framework:

• Specific: What exactly do you want to achieve? Instead of saying “I want to get promoted,” say, “I want to be promoted to a senior manager position within the next year by taking on more leadership responsibilities.”
• Measurable: How will you measure your progress? Determine clear milestones to track your development.
• Achievable: Ensure that your goal is realistic given your current resources and timeframe.
• Relevant: Align your goals with your broader career aspirations and values.
• Time-bound: Set a clear deadline for your goals to create urgency and focus.

By breaking down your career goals into smaller, more manageable actions, you can create a step-by-step plan to achieve them throughout the year. This helps to prevent overwhelm and gives you a sense of accomplishment as you check off each milestone.

By intentionally focusing on strengthening your inner dialogue and self-esteem, you’ll begin to see the external effects in your career as well. You’ll speak up for your value, ask for the opportunities you deserve, and have the resilience to overcome challenges that come your way.

Don’t wait for the “perfect” moment to act. Start now, even if it’s just a small step. The process of moving forward—whether that means applying for new positions, seeking new projects, or advocating for yourself—builds confidence and reinforces your sense of worth.

The New Year presents a fresh start and a chance to refocus on your personal and professional development. By prioritizing your career growth and boosting your self-worth, you create a solid foundation for success. Remember, career advancement doesn’t happen overnight, and increasing self-worth is an ongoing journey. However, by setting clear goals, committing to continuous learning, and cultivating a healthy sense of self, you’ll not only achieve your professional objectives but also foster a deeper sense of fulfillment in all areas of life.

As you move forward into the New Year, take the time to invest in yourself and your future. With CFIR career coaching you have a chance to build focus, determination, and a healthy self-worth, whereby you can make this year the one where you truly thrive both professionally and personally.

Erin Leslie, career coach at CFIR and founder of EQFootprints is a Career Strategist and Leadership coach who will enable any professional or team to achieve their career aspirations through personal development, training and coaching.

Erin practices one-on-one and team coaching with clients and mentees across all industries. Certified in EQ-i 2.0 assessments, Erin specializes in emotional intelligence practices and tools to support a stronger emotional quotient in the workplace. Her emotional intelligence acumen harvested through 25 years as a business career woman in tech; combined with a tailored coaching style she has the intuitive ability to uncover personal or environmental barriers and help identify new goals for your business audience. Helping professionals, teams and newcomers with all aspects of business negotiation, personal branding, networking and business culture is not only a vocation, it is her passion.

Eating goes hand in hand with the holiday season. We are brought to the table in ways that break our routines, and with people who we may only eat with at this time of year. For some, this is an exciting time of celebrating with loved ones through shared meals and meaningful food traditions. But for those who struggle with eating disorders or disordered eating, this is often a challenging time that can threaten the safety that exists in their daily eating routines. Fortunately, there are strategies that can be effective in coping with the anxiety and stress associated with eating through the holidays:

1. Eat regularly
   • One of the quickest routes to activating disordered eating behaviours is disrupting regular eating schedules. Oftentimes during the holidays, people will skip a meal earlier in the day to ‘save room’ for a larger holiday dinner. For those who struggle with disordered eating, this can lay the groundwork to trigger a later binge and subsequent compensatory behaviours. Ensure that you are eating your regular daily meals.
   • Overeating during the holidays is a common experience, given the plentiful availability of food. If you do overeat, or binge, be sure not to skip meals or snacks the following days in an attempt to compensate, as this tends to lead down the cycle of binging-purging/restricting.
2. Plan ahead
   • Know your triggers and anticipate how you might manage them. For example, if you know a family member always makes a comment about weight, have a topic ready to go to shift the conversation, respectfully excuse yourself from the conversation, or engage in breathing strategies to soothe through the distress. Make a list of the strategies that tend to work best for you ahead of time.
   • If you feel comfortable speaking to the host of the holiday meal, ask them ahead of time what foods will be available. Knowing that at least one safe food is available can help to alleviate anticipatory anxiety.
   • Plan what you will do after the holiday meal, to ride through any urges to engage in compensatory behaviours. 
3. Social support
   • Bringing a trusted loved one to holiday meals in and of itself can be soothing. They can support in shifting conversations away from food or appearance, take short breaks with you, and offer reassurance.
4. Carve out time for self-care
   • Our time can often feel dictated by the chaos of the holiday schedule. Ensure that you’re making time for self-care, whether through short breaks during holiday gatherings and meals, or scheduling full days to yourself. Having time for restoration, a mental break from the energy of the holidays, and re-engaging with activities that are pleasurable and soothing to you are important ways to re-centre yourself. 
   • If possible, try to plan a day to yourself after holiday events that you know will be especially challenging. 
5. Normalize changes in weight
   • With the changes to eating that come with the holidays, people typically find that their weight increases. If this is a trigger for you, be mindful of body- and weight-checking behaviours. Use strategies to delay and ride through those urges, such as distraction, breathing, or going to a different environment – think leaving the mirror in the bathroom, and instead, going to your living room to watch a funny TV show.
   • Remind yourself that as you continue with your regular eating and activities through the holidays and post-holidays, your body will readjust itself to its typical weight.
6. Plan activities that are not food-centred
   • Many holiday activities tend to be food-centred. While this can be a meaningful way to connect with others, planning activities that are not food-focused can help to create a sense of connection without the added layer of stress associated with food. Plan an outing to look at light displays in your city, or engage in outdoor activities like sledding or a winter walk.
7. Soothe and comfort
   • Those who struggle with disordered eating often feel a sense of shame during this time of year, wondering why they struggle so much when it seems that others don’t, or chastising their ‘flaws and failures’. If you are someone who tends to be harshly self-critical about your eating and body, acknowledging that this is a difficult time and validating the distress you are experiencing are important ways to soothe yourself through compassion. The disordered eating and related feelings have a history, developing over time for various reasons. Remind yourself that though the challenge and distress that comes along with disordered eating is valid, you are also more than just your relationship with food.

Dr. Jean Kim, Ph.D., C.Psych. is a clinical psychologist at CFIR’s Toronto location. Over the past eight years, Dr. Kim has had the opportunity to work alongside people as they develop a greater understanding of themselves and their relationships. She has specific interests and training in working with people who struggle with disordered eating, weight, body image concerns, as well as those who are experiencing the challenges of integrating their cultural identity.

Good communication is key to any successful relationship. It’s not just about talking—it’s about understanding, showing care, and connecting with each other. When partners communicate well, they build a stronger bond and can handle problems more easily.

1. Active Listening: One of the most important skills in communication is really listening. This means focusing on what your partner is saying without thinking about your response while they talk. Show you’re interested by nodding, making eye contact, and saying things like “I understand.” This makes your partner feel valued and helps you understand their feelings better.

2. Expressing Yourself Clearly: It’s important to express your thoughts and feelings in a clear way. Use “I” statements to share how something makes you feel, like “I feel upset when…” instead of saying “You always…” This helps avoid arguments and encourages honest conversations.

3. Non-Verbal Communication: Communication isn’t just about words. How you act—your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice—also matters. Being aware of these can help you understand each other better and show that you’re sincere.

4. Being Empathetic: Try to understand things from your partner’s point of view. Showing empathy helps close emotional gaps and makes your partner feel safe in the relationship. When people feel understood, they are more likely to share their feelings.

Good communication helps create a healthy relationship. By listening carefully, speaking clearly, being aware of body language, and showing empathy, you can build a stronger and more supportive partnership.

The experienced team at CFIR can help you work on and improve communication in your relationships by providing a safe space for couples to express their thoughts and feelings, fostering deeper understanding, empathy, and conflict resolution skills.

Riley Cheskes, R.P., is a compassionate and experienced Registered Psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples to foster emotional well-being and personal growth. With a warm, empathetic approach, Riley creates a safe and supportive environment where clients can explore their thoughts, feelings, and relationships. Specializing in issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship struggles, life transitions, parenting, post-partum, and self-esteem, Riley utilizes evidence-based therapeutic techniques tailored to each client’s unique needs, including but not limited to psychodynamic, emotion focussed, and attachment based therapies. Whether you’re seeking to improve communication in your relationship or navigate personal challenges, Riley is committed to helping you achieve lasting change.

In the part 1 of this blog, we discussed intolerance of uncertainty, and how it presents and works within anxiety. Now let’s discuss how to manage and change this intolerance of uncertainty. 

Chances are that if you identify with being intolerant of uncertainty, that over time you have developed habits in your life that either help you avoid uncertain situations, or strive to achieve as much certainty as possible. But these methods are not effective, since uncertainty is an unavoidable part of life. Awareness and acknowledgement of the problem is not enough to change our relationship with uncertainty; Action is required to truly change those deep-rooted beliefs and thoughts about uncertainty mentioned in part 1. This action is reflected through the Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy technique of Behavioural Experiments, and/or exposures (Hebert & Dugas, 2019).

For example, take the common parenting/coaching technique used on young children who were afraid of getting hit by the ball in baseball, where the parent intentionally throws the ball at the child. Once the child has faced their fear of getting hit with the ball, they have objective evidence that helps them learn: 1) whether the feared outcome was as bad as they anticipated, and 2) whether they could cope with the feared outcome. This is how action helps us gather evidence to re-evaluate our beliefs and assumptions, and form new, more adaptive ones.

If I were tolerant of uncertainty, how would I act?

This question forms the basis of behavioural experiments and exposures directly targeting intolerance of uncertainty. But behavioural experiments are developed in a more intentional and systematic way than unpredictably being hit by a baseball and finding out that it wasn’t that bad afterwards. Behavioural experiments take exposure exercises one step further by not only requiring you to face situations that involve uncertainty (i.e., eating at a new restaurant), but facing uncertain situations in order to test specific beliefs about uncertainty (i.e., “Uncertainty will lead to disappointment and regret.”) (Hebert & Dugas, 2019).

Working with a CBT therapist will help you practice behavioural experiments that are effective and therapeutic, via empirically supported treatment. They will help you identify unhelpful or negative beliefs about uncertainty that drive your intolerance and symptoms of anxiety, develop a list of uncertain situations you either avoid altogether or seek out certainty around, and successfully conduct behavioural experiments or exposures that directly target and challenge your specific beliefs about uncertainty. 

Reference:

 Hebert, E. A., & Dugas, M. J. (2019). Behavioral experiments for intolerance of uncertainty: Challenging the unknown in the treatment of generalized anxiety disorder. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 26(2), 421-436.

Erin Tatarnic, R.P. is a registered psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). She provides psychotherapy to individual adults experiencing a range of mental health difficulties including anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, obsessive-compulsive concerns, depression, relationship difficulties, and coping with neurodiversity differences. Erin works from a client-centred approach using a cognitive-behavioural framework (CBT), while also integrating therapeutic techniques from emotion-focused therapy (EFT) and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.

Yes, you read that right. Not gluten-, not dairy-, but an Intolerance of Uncertainty, which is a key driver within anxiety (Koerner & Dugas, 2006). When one has a medical allergy, they experience very strong physical reactions when exposed to even a small trace of the substance they’re allergic to. Intolerance of uncertainty is like a psychological allergy, where even a miniscule amount of uncertainty in a situation, creates negative and uncomfortable effects, such as excessive worrying and physical symptoms of anxiety. No matter how unlikely an outcome is, such as being in a plane crash, unless one can achieve 100% certainty of the outcome, it will be worried about. This intolerance of uncertainty can go as far as those with anxiety even preferring a negative outcome to their problem, over an uncertain one (Hello, self-sabotage!). 

So what are some telltale signs that you have an intolerance of uncertainty?

No, not hives, anaphylactic shock, or swelling. Some of the most common ways those with anxiety may act in the face of uncertainty include:

• Avoiding doing uncertain things altogether
  • Avoiding investing in therapy because it’s uncertain what the outcome will be or how the experience will feel
• Making up obstacles or excuses to not do things
  •  “I know exercise would be good for me, but what if I end up injuring myself?”
• Procrastinating
  • Avoiding asking a friend for a favour because you’re uncertain of how they’ll respond
• Having difficulty delegating tasks or trusting others
  • Doing all the chores yourself because you can’t be certain that your partner will do it “right”
• Seeking excessive information before making decisions or acting
  • Researching several different options of blenders from several different stores before buying one 
• Seeking reassurance from others
  • Asking multiple people in your life for advice or reassurance about the same problem, or asking them to decide for you

Intolerance of uncertainty is due to unhelpful beliefs held about uncertainty: That it is dangerous, that we cannot cope with it, and that it must be avoided at all costs (Koerner & Dugas, 2006). However, operating under those beliefs only strengthens the adverse reaction to uncertainty, shrinks your comfort zone, and exhausts you from constantly trying to achieve certainty in a world where it’s impossible to not come across uncertainty in some way or another. Read on for part 2 of how to face uncertainty if you identify as uncertainty-intolerant.

Reference:

 Koerner, N., & Dugas, M. J. (2006). A cognitive model of generalized anxiety disorder: The role of intolerance of uncertainty. Worry and its psychological disorders: Theory, assessment and treatment, 201-216.Erin Tatarnic, R.P. is a registered psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). She provides psychotherapy to individual adults experiencing a range of mental health difficulties including anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, obsessive-compulsive concerns, depression, relationship difficulties, and coping with neurodiversity differences. Erin works from a client-centred approach using a cognitive-behavioural framework (CBT), while also integrating therapeutic techniques from emotion-focused therapy (EFT) and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.

This article is part of a series based on experiences I lived as a psychologist, client or simple observer.

I – Listen first 

The B.A. I had taken in Psychology was primarily experimental and theoretical, not clinical. It was then, at the beginning of the Master’s in Psychology that we were eager to learn how to practice psychotherapy. The very first class of the first course we had (Clinical Psychology) was definitely an eye (ear?) opener. 

Prof. Josef Schubert, a wonderful teacher, came into the classroom with a tape recorder. He looked at us and without a preamble, he asked: “What brings a person to therapy?” 

One student answered: “A student who moved from another city to go to university and doesn’t find himself comfortable?” 

Without allowing time for anybody else to talk, Schubert asked: “What would a therapist say to such a client?” 

Another student replied: “Ask him how he is adapting?” 

Schubert said that we would do a role playing. He asked the two students who had answered his previous questions to come to the front and sit opposite each other and he defined that the student who had answered the first question would be the client and the other one would be the therapist. 

Schubert started the recording and let them talk for about a minute. He then asked the two participants to remain silent at the beginning of the debate and he asked the rest of us: “What happened here?” 

In retrospect I am shy to say that we came with highly vaporous ideas about what the client was feeling, what he wanted, what he needed in reality, how good or bad the therapist had been and other comments of that sort. 

Schubert raised his hand and stopped us cold. He asked again, pointing at the two empty chairs: “What happened here?” Most of us remained quiet while some attempted even more vaporous ideas that Schubert cut short. “What did they say?” Again, he cut short those who attempted to loosely reconstruct the dialogue. “What did they say, exactly?” he asked. We knew better now, and we remained silent. Schubert reconstructed the dialogue word by word and then he played the recording. He had not missed one word. 

We were fascinated, surprised, afraid, expectant. Schubert went on to explain to us that to listen means just that, to listen, to pay attention to everything that is said. He then added that it is also important to take into account the tones of voice, body signals, pauses and other signals. Before dismissing us until the next class he told us that we were going to spend the whole semester learning how to listen. 

We knew that the road ahead meant lots of work and at the same time we felt that it was a good idea to start from absolute scratch. 

David Mibashan holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Ottawa. For almost 40 years he has worked, as a Registered Psychologist, with people who felt depressed, anxious, at the verge of burn out or just not satisfied with some aspects of their life. Together with his clients, he has dealt with traumas, grief, giftedness, disabilities, immigration issues, among others. He utilizes a Humanistic / Existential approach integrating elements of Psychodrama, Gestalt and Systemic approaches. He works in English, French and Spanish.

This article is part of a series based on experiences I lived as a psychologist, client or simple observer.

Some people have a difficult childhood. Some of the difficulties are external to the family (earthquakes, famines, repressive governments and other causes). Some are internal to the family but unavoidable (death, illness and other causes). In many cases, however, the problems stem from within the family, generally started by the parents or caretakers and suffered by everybody in the house. Some parents are immature (irrelevant of their age) to take care of the children; some never wanted to have children but they do; some have quarrels with their partners and take it out on the children; addictions are another trigger; and there are other causes as well. 

Children need the care of their parents and that includes shelter, food, attention, comforting and understanding, among other things. When a child does not receive these things, many times they tend to normalize the situation. “What happens to me is what happens in a house”, they might think. Furthermore, many times children feel responsible or even guilty for the misbehaviours of their parents. They often think that they probably weren’t good enough and what they receive is their punishment. 

Neglected children many times carry a weight on their shoulders into adulthood. Some heal by themselves or with the help of the Social Services or mental health aid. Many carry on productive and enjoyable lives, probably different than what they would have chosen if they came from a different background, but satisfying lives nonetheless. 

There is an issue of utmost importance. Some people who had a difficult childhood inflict similar damage onto their own children, continuing the chain of abuse. Sometimes those parents justify their behaviour based on their own experiences as children. However, children are vulnerable and it is up to the caretakers to treat them properly. If the caretakers were themselves abused as children, this is their opportunity to break up the chain of abuse. Most vicious circles have one redeeming aspect: no matter where you cut it, the circle is over. 

It is not easy to take a stand and change, protecting their children instead of mistreating them. It is, however, very rewarding to be able to do that and to see their children grow up in a healthy way. Most times their children do not even realize that they were treated much better than their parents were because for them everything is normal. That feeling, on the part of the children, is also a reward, it means that they were spared from hell without them even knowing that.

David Mibashan holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Ottawa. For almost 40 years he has worked, as a Registered Psychologist, with people who felt depressed, anxious, at the verge of burn out or just not satisfied with some aspects of their life. Together with his clients, he has dealt with traumas, grief, giftedness, disabilities, immigration issues, among others. He utilizes a Humanistic / Existential approach integrating elements of Psychodrama, Gestalt and Systemic approaches. He works in English, French and Spanish.