One of the most common struggles I see in couples therapy is the difficulty one or both partners have in identifying and expressing their own emotions. Many people grow up without ever learning how to name or understand their feelings. Emotions are internal signals – our mind and body’s way of letting us know that something important is happening within or around us. They help us make sense of our experiences, guiding our attention to what matters, motivating us to act. In school, we are taught math, science, and history, but rarely are we given the tools to navigate our inner emotional experiences. As a result, emotions can feel foreign, overwhelming, or even scary and dangerous.
Every emotion has a need attached to it. Sadness might signal a need for comfort or connection. Anxiety could be pointing to a need for reassurance or safety. Anger often shows up when a boundary has been crossed, indicating a need for respect or acknowledgment. Yet, when emotions remain unrecognized, so do the needs behind them. This can leave individuals and couples stuck – feeling misunderstood, unheard, and disconnected.
Barriers to expressing emotions and meeting relational needs
One of the greatest barriers to emotional awareness and growth is shame. Many people have been taught (either directly or indirectly) that emotions are a sign of weakness or irrationality. This is especially true for emotions like anger, which can be labeled as “bad” or “destructive,”. Vulnerability can be seen as something to suppress and hide. The fear of being judged (by oneself or others) can keep us from exploring our emotions with curiosity and compassion. Struggling with emotions is not a personal failure -it’s more common than we realize, and an aspect I often see in my work. If we were never taught how to identify, name and process our feelings, how could we be expected to do so with ease? There is no shame in finding emotions confusing or intimidating. In fact, recognizing this struggle is the first step toward change.
In part 2 of this blog series, we will explore the steps we can take to start de-shaming being in touch with our own emotions, paving the way to more vulnerability and connection with our partner.
Daniela Levi, MSW, MEd, is a Registered Psychotherapist at CFIR, specializing in individuals, couple and family therapy. Her work focuses on self-awareness and strengthening interpersonal relationships through an attachment-based and emotion-focused approach. With a deep passion for the role of emotions in relational dynamics, Daniela helps clients navigate their inner experiences to build deeper connections with themselves and others. She is currently pursuing her Doctorate in Psychology at the University of Toronto.
