Having difficult conversations with the important people around us can be nerve-wracking, especially when emotions run high. However, it is essential for healthy relationships to address challenging topics in a constructive manner that brings people closer and leaves them feeling more connected. This is just part of the work I do as a couple’s therapist. Drawing from the research and strategies developed by renowned relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, here are some valuable tips to navigate difficult conversations without getting defensive or escalating into a fight.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to approach the conversation with a mindset of curiosity and empathy. According to the Gottmans, practicing active listening and showing genuine interest in the other person’s perspective can go a long way in fostering understanding and connection (Gottman & Gottman, 2018). Instead of focusing on being right, strive to listen to the other person’s feelings and concerns without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. In session, I will often ask couples to consider what is most important in the moment- to be right, or have peace in their home.
Another effective strategy is to use “I” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements. By expressing your thoughts and emotions in this manner, you can reduce defensiveness and create a more collaborative atmosphere for problem-solving (Gottman & Gottman, 2019). For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when we have disagreements.”
Setting a positive and respectful tone for the conversation is also key. Avoid using harsh language or engaging in personal attacks, as this can quickly escalate tensions. Instead, strive to maintain a calm and composed demeanor, even in the face of disagreement. Remember, the goal is to communicate effectively and find mutually satisfactory resolutions, not to win an argument (Gottman & Gottman, 2020).
Lastly, don’t shy away from taking breaks if emotions start to escalate. The Gottmans recommend implementing a “time-out” strategy if either party feels overwhelmed or heated during the conversation. Agree on a signal or a safe word to indicate when a break is needed and use this time to calm down and regain perspective before continuing the discussion (Gottman & Gottman, 2021).
Having difficult conversations is an inevitable part of any relationship, but it doesn’t have to result in conflict or defensiveness. By applying the Gottmans’ proven strategies of active listening, using “I” statements, maintaining a respectful tone, and taking breaks when needed, you can navigate challenging discussions with grace and understanding, ultimately strengthening your connections with others.
Cherisse Doobay, MSc., is an integrative therapist at the Centre For Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto under the supervision of Dr. Karine Cote, Psy.D. C.Psych.
Cherisse has provided psychological services to adults and couples experiencing a variety of concerns for 18 years. Cherisse specialises in addiction and couple’s therapy and has completed research on the effects of problematic alcohol use and the impact on the brain. Additionally, Cherisse has a keen interest in nutrition and how food can impact mental health and prevent disease. She is currently researching this in partnership with nutritionists. Cherisse is passionate about sharing information and facilitates virtual and in-person workshops for corporations aimed at improving employee wellness.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2018). The Gottman method for healthy relationships. Journal of Family Therapy, 40(2), 165-179.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2019). Effective communication strategies for couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(3), 312-329.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2020). Navigating conflict: Strategies for successful conversations. American Journal of Psychology, 82(4), 421-438.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2021). The role of empathy and understanding in difficult conversations. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 67(1), 87-102.
