Regulation refers to how we manage emotions and employ behaviours in the pursuit of goals, wellness, and sense of safety (Paley & Hajal, 2022). How we regulate may be in our conscious awareness or not, and can impact overall wellbeing, relationships, and decision making. There are more or less healthy ways to regulate and, like all ways of coping, none are by default categorically adaptive or not (Eisenstadt, Liverpool, Infanti, Ciuvat, & Carlsson, 2021). Sometimes, avoiding a stressor is the healthiest thing to do (for example, spotting a bear in a forest). Others, avoiding can further exacerbate distress (for example, not discussing a problem that’s been gnawing away at you at work). It really depends on the circumstance. 

Healthy functioning involves the ability to effectively self-regulate and co-regulate in order to have a sense of self-efficacy, navigate life’s stressful events, and maintain (intimate) relationships (Panayiotou, Panteli, & Leonidou, 2021). What do these two terms mean? 

Self-regulation refers to what we do to exert control over our emotions or behaviours on our own (Rosanbalm & Murray, 2017). Some healthier forms of self-regulation can include crying, exercising, sleeping, journaling, intentional breathing, and connecting with nature. Some less healthy forms of self-regulation can include impulsive spending, consumption of drugs, overeating, and skin picking. 

Co-regulation refers to what we do to exert control over our emotions or behaviours with another (Rosanbalm & Murray, 2017). Some examples of healthier co-regulation can include venting to a friend, speaking with a therapist, participating in a group yoga class, cuddling a partner, and even petting your pet. 

You might be wondering, what does a healthy balance of self- and co-regulation look like for me? 

As with most things in life, context is important. When I meet with clients, I am careful to explore whether efforts to regulate are coming from a healthy place or not (e.g., reflect their values, who they want to be, secure attachment (see my previous Blog on Attachment); whether there may be avoidance of a deeper problem; or when they may be causing themselves harm. That said, an overreliance on self-regulation may look like self-isolation or shutting out a partner. Unhealthy co-regulation may look like an overreliance on others for validation or advice, risky sexual behaviours, or explosive conflicts. 

It is also important to me to understand the origin story of these self- and co-regulating efforts. Where might you have learned to regulate the way you do? How has this served you, even initially, in the past? How is this way of being not serving you now? 

For those struggling with achieving an effective balance between the two, there is help. As a clinical psychologist, I ultimately try to help clients determine an optimal balance between self- and co-regulation. Together we can identify more effective regulating strategies that, through practice, eventually become habits toward a more fulfilling lifestyle. 

References

Eisenstadt, M., Liverpool, S., Infanti, E., Ciuvat, R. M., & Carlsson, C. (2021). Mobile apps that promote emotion regulation, positive mental health, and well-being in the general population: Systematic review and meta-analysis. JMIR Mental Health, 8(11), doi:10.2196/31170

Paley, B., & Hajal, N.J. (2022). Conceptualizing emotion regulation and coregulation as family-level phenomena. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 25, 19–43. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4

Panayiotou, G., Panteli, M., & Leonidou, C. (2021). Coping with the invisible enemy: The role of emotion regulation and awareness in quality of life during the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 19, 17-27. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.11.002

Rosanbalm, K. D., & Murray, D. W. (2017). Caregiver co-regulation across development: A practice brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services. 

Dr. Sara Antunes-Alves, C.Psych. is a psychologist in private practice who particularly enjoys working with individuals struggling with their sense of self, interpersonal relationships, and emotion regulation – especially as they are impacted by complex attachment-related trauma and family of origin issues. As a keen scientist-practitioner, she is passionate about research, and has published and served on review boards in the areas of psychopathology, its impact on functioning, and the ingredients of effective therapy. Prior to entering private practice full time, she enjoyed running a mental health program for at-risk students and serving as Adjunct Research Professor in Psychology at Carleton University, where she conducted assessments, psychotherapy, supervision, and outcome-based research on the efficacy of mental health programs. At CFIR, she also supports the professional development of psychologists-in-training by providing clinical supervision.  

When faced with a challenging or traumatic life experience, many clients often expect that “getting over it” is the goal. These instances, particularly those that are traumatic in nature, reshape how our brains process events, emotions, and relationships. Ongoing and fruitless attempts to reduce symptoms may in fact worsen one’s distress (Harris, 2006). While problem-solving strategies are highly adaptive in the outside world, they are not always applicable within our internal psychological worlds. The more time and energy we spend trying to rid of these negative experiences, the more we may suffer in the long term. Alternatively, compassionate healing recognizes that recovery is a process rather than a destination. Instead of erasing the past, clients are guided towards creating safety, self-understanding, and growth (Harris, 2006).

Though it’s natural for our initial response to distress to be “I want this to go away,” some clients benefit from altering that relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings. Though they are uncomfortable, they are approached with compassion and curiosity rather than the perspective that they are something to “get over.” We experience some form of distress on a daily basis, so allowing room for unpleasant feelings, sensations, and urges to come and go without struggling with them actually helps in reducing their frequency or severity (Harris, 2006). Once we can separate ourselves from our thoughts, we are able to see them as passing events rather than absolute truths. By this perspective, healing happens not by “getting over it,” but my embracing what is, while striving for what can be.

Erin Rehmann, M.A., is a therapist and psychometrist at CFIR. She is supervised by Dr. Mard Becard, C.Psych. Erin provides individual psychotherapy to individual adults with a wide presentation of mental health difficulties, specializing in anxiety, depression, self-esteem challenges, trauma, and emotional dysregulation. She utilizes an integrative and collaborative approach, primarily using person-centred, cognitive behavioural, and acceptance and commitment therapy. Erin also provides psychological assessments to adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. 

Harris, R. (2006). Overview of ACT: A brief introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Retrieved from https://static1.squarespace.com/static/509ad2ede4b011ec832812ed/t/5b896b1870a6ad36f8841834/1535732505180/Russ+Harris+-+Overview+of+ACT.pdf

Welcome to part two! In part one, we answered three questions; 1) what are emotions? 2) Why are they so important? & 3) What are primary vs. Secondary emotions? In this part two, we will address how to identify emotions and needs. I want to give a little reminder that this is something that can be practiced, learned, and developed! It is completely okay not to know how to do this instinctively.  

How to identify your emotions and needs?  

You will probably hear a lot of people say that you need to cope with your emotions. I prefer saying that we need to be with our emotions. Being with our emotions, making a conscious effort to feel them and sit with them, will then allow you to identify them. If doing that is difficult, I suggest that you try using a tool to help, such as the wheel of emotions: 

There are two ways to use the wheel :  

1- Start at the centre, pick what you are feeling (ex: anger) and take a look at the different types of anger that we can tend to feel (go towards the extremity of the wheel).  

2 – Start at the extremity (ex: you feel empty) and work your way to the middle of the wheel to see what emotion is tied to it (ex: sad).  

I also suggest that you look at other emotions (ex: if you feel angry, go take a look at fear, sadness, etc.) to identify primary vs. secondary emotions.  
 

Lastly, keep in mind that this tool brings you into a more cognitive type of processing, so it is important to go back to sitting with your feelings once you have identified what they are (see how they feel in your body).  
 

Additionally, it is important to identify your needs at the root of the emotions and feelings you have. For example, we have identified that your primary emotion is abandonment. You can then ask yourself : “what do I need (from myself or from the other) to not feel abandoned?”. Once you have identified your need, you can then communicate that to the other person involved. Identifying this is important as it optimizes healthy well-being and optimizes healthy relationship with others.  

Dr. Mélodie Brown, D.Psy., C.Psych., is a clinical psychologist and co-founder of CFIR (St. Catharines). She offers psychotherapy for adult individuals and couples & psychodiagnostics assessments for adult individuals, in French and English. She also provides clinical supervision for students who are completing their masters or doctorate degrees in counselling/clinical psychology. 

In this 2-part blog, four key questions about emotions will be answered. We will talk about what emotions are, why they are important, the difference between primary and secondary emotions and how to identify emotions and needs. This is something that most of us do not learn growing up as there is usually no class in school on this topic or education from parents, and so I am excited to share this wonderful knowledge with you! 

What are emotions? 

The American Psychology Association (APA, 2022) defines emotions as “conscious mental reactions subjectively experienced as strong feelings usually directed towards a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body” (APA, 2022). I like to think of emotions as little messengers – our brain and body sending us a message on something that is happening in our world. This goes for comfortable and uncomfortable emotions – as much as we don’t like to feel uncomfortable emotions, they are as important.  

Why are emotions important? 

As mentioned above, we usually don’t like to feel uncomfortable emotions. They are, however, a part of life and very important to pay attention to. We will all feel them at some point in time, and that is totally okay! Emotions are extremely important as they can help us understand how we feel about a situation or a person, communicate with others, act quickly in urgent situations, identify when we need to set boundaries, identify unmet needs, process situations, and much more! In order to accomplish this, it is very important that we learn to identify what we are feeling, differentiate between root feelings and secondary feelings, as well as our needs. 

What are Primary vs. Secondary emotions? 

A primary emotion is the feeling at the root of our reaction and a secondary emotion is an emotional reaction to an emotion or situation. For example, often when I meet with couples in therapy I will hear one partner say something like “my partner makes me so angry!”. When we sit with this anger, we will realize that there is something underneath it, something deeper. Often, we find out that the person is feeling hurt, or abandoned or not seen or heard. In this situation, the primary emotion would be feeling abandoned for example, and the secondary emotion would be anger. The person is angry that they are feeling abandoned. When feeling an emotion, it is always important to sit with it and see what is really there – identify the primary vs. the secondary emotion. Doing so will then help you identify what you need, to feel better. 

Part two of this blog will look at how to identify emotions and needs.  

Dr. Mélodie Brown, D.Psy., C.Psych., is a clinical psychologist and co-founder of CFIR (St. Catharines). She offers psychotherapy for adult individuals and couples & psychodiagnostics assessments for adult individuals, in French and English. She also provides clinical supervision for students who are completing their masters or doctorate degrees in counselling/clinical psychology.

Because our emotions are necessary and part of the human experience, it is possible to develop emotional regulation to learn how to better manage them. Below, you can find techniques and tools that you can use to develop and improve your emotional regulation and tolerance (Harris, 2019 et Van Dijk, 2012). You can also add them to your toolbox to feel more prepared when you need them (for example, during a time of heightened emotions).  

1. Grounding exercise: 5-4-3-2-1  

When experiencing difficult or intense emotions, we can bring ourselves back to the present moment by doing a grounding exercise and using our 5 senses. This can also help us feel like we can better manage our emotions.  

Start by taking 3 deep breaths and then:  

• Name 5 things you can see.  

• Name 4 things you can hear.  
• Name 3 things you can touch.  
• Name 2 things you can smell.  
• Name 1 thing you can taste.  

2. Breathing exercise  

You can also try a breathing exercise to relax your body, slow down your sensations, emotions and thoughts and feel calmer. This can lead to a level of emotional stabilization.  

Start by putting your hand on your belly and then:  

• Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds.  
• Breathe out through your mouth for 6 seconds.  
• Continue for 1-2 minutes or until you feel calmer.  

3. Self-soothing activities  

Once we have practiced a breathing or grounding exercise and our level of emotional activation is lower, we can move on to self-care practices. For example, it can be helpful to practice a soothing activity to relax and calm our physical and emotional experiences and sensations. It is important to take care of ourselves and find an activity that makes us feel good.  

For example:  

• Grabbing a cup of tea or coffee  
• Taking a hot bath or shower  
• Going outside and getting fresh air 
• Listening to music  
• Dancing, moving, or doing exercise  

• Your turn to explore and find an activity! 

4. Self-awareness  

When you have regained a level of emotional stabilization or the emotion you are experiencing is tolerable, it is suggested to develop self-awareness by reflecting on your emotional experience. Try to observe how you feel and try naming your emotion. Explore the emotion without judgment. Does it bring any physical sensations? Does it lead to an action, behaviours, or thoughts? What led to the emotion? 

If you have difficulty regulating, identifying, and recognizing your emotions or you believe that your emotions can cause difficulties in your life, therapy can be a process that can help you develop emotional regulation skills. CFIR-CPRI therapists are available to support you in this process and can help you develop your understanding of the function of your emotions and how to manage them. You can contact us at admin@cfir.ca and a member of our team will be happy to help you.  

Alexie Carrière, M.Ed., R.P.(Qualifying) is a registered psychotherapist (qualifying) that offers therapy services in French and English to adults. She uses an integrative approach and has experience supporting individuals with different concerns, including emotion regulation, anxiety, sexual functioning, trauma, depression, self-esteem, and body image.  

Every day, we experience many emotions. They influence our behaviors and our thoughts, and guide our actions. They have different functions, such as motivation and communication. For example, fear can motivate us to run from a situation or hide from danger. Sadness can bring tears to our eyes, and we may bow our head. In a social situation, these expressions and physical changes can communicate to another person that we are sad (Harris, 2019 et Van Dijk, 2012).  

As human beings, it’s normal and necessary to have emotions. Some are more difficult than others, such as anxiety and anger, and it is normal to want to stop feeling them or even try to get rid of them. Because our emotions are necessary, it is not possible to get rid of them completely. We can, however, learn to regulate our emotions. Emotion regulation is the ability to understand, name, express, manage and tolerate our emotions.  

Emotion regulation is a skill that can be learned and developed. By learning to regulate our emotions, we can develop a better quality of life, feel like we can better manage and tolerate our emotions, improve our interpersonal relationships, and reduce the impact of difficult emotions on our well-being (Harris, 2019 et Van Dijk, 2012). Among other things, a mental health professional can help you better understand the physiological signs of your emotions and help you put your internal experiences into words. For example, an accelerated heartbeat, rapid breathing, and a feeling of “butterflies in the stomach” can indicate anxiety. A sensation of heat, tension in the chest and clenching of the jaw can indicate anger. You can then learn emotion regulation strategies to manage these physiological signs.  

Please see Part 2 of this blog for techniques and tools that you can use to develop and improve your emotional regulation.  

If you have difficulty regulating, identifying, and recognizing your emotions or you believe that your emotions can cause difficulties in your life, therapy can be a process that can help you develop emotional regulation skills. CFIR-CPRI therapists are available to support you in this process and can help you develop your understanding of the function of your emotions and how to manage them. You can contact us at admin@cfir.ca and a member of our team will be happy to help you.  

Alexie Carrière, M.Ed., R.P.(Qualifying) is a registered psychotherapist (qualifying) that offers therapy services in French and English to adults. She uses an integrative approach and has experience supporting individuals with different concerns, including emotion regulation, anxiety, sexual functioning, trauma, depression, self-esteem, and body image.

In the era of swiping right and instant connections, the quest for love can sometimes feel more like a relentless grind than a romantic journey. With an array of dating apps and ever-changing social norms, it’s not uncommon to feel disenchanted by the modern dating world. Whether you identify as heterosexual, LGBTQ+, or are exploring your identity, the challenges of forming meaningful connections in this fast-paced era are universal.

Understanding the Root of Disenchantment

The first step in overcoming dating disenchantment is understanding its source. Are you overwhelmed by the paradox of choice, finding it hard to connect deeply when there are so many options? Or perhaps, you’re fatigued by the ‘game’ – the endless cycle of matching, chatting, and often, ghosting. Recognize that these feelings are normal, and many others share your experience.

Embracing Authenticity

One of the keys to revitalizing your dating experience is embracing authenticity. Be true to yourself in your dating profile and interactions. Honesty about who you are and what you’re looking for not only attracts the right people but also sets the stage for genuine connections.

Quality Over Quantity

Instead of swiping endlessly, focus on quality interactions. Take the time to read profiles thoroughly and engage in meaningful conversations. This approach may mean fewer dates, but it increases the likelihood of those dates being more satisfying and compatible.

Balancing Hope with Realism

Maintain a balance between hope and realism. It’s essential to stay optimistic but equally important to have realistic expectations. Not every date will lead to a love story, and that’s okay. Each experience is a step in your journey of self-discovery and understanding what you truly desire in a partner.

Taking Breaks is Healthy

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break. Use this time to engage in activities you love, reconnect with yourself, and nurture other relationships in your life. A break can provide a fresh perspective and re-energize you for when you’re ready to dive back in.

Remember, the path to finding a partner is as much about self-exploration as it is about finding another. In the modern dating world, it’s the journey of understanding yourself and what you need in a relationship that eventually leads to the magic you’re seeking. Stay true, stay patient, and let the journey unfold.

Laura Moore, MPsy., is a psychodynamic therapist at the Centre For Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto under the supervision of Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C. Psych. Laura provides psychological services to adults and couples experiencing a wide range of concerns. Laura has a particular interest and expertise in relationship distress, with an emphasis on interpersonal and couple relationship functioning. Laura has helped countless individuals navigate issues related to intimacy, fertility, sex, infidelity, separation and divorce. Additionally, her past research focuses on cultivating spousal attunement following traumatic experiences. 

What if you could conduct an Emotional Intelligence audit in your company? What types of changes could you influence based on the results? What core improvements could your organization implement in order to reach and positively affect more employees? Want a healthy organization that achieves high levels of success? Tap into the key insights that an emotional assessment provides you and your employees.

Emotional intelligence is a set of emotional and social skills that guide the way we perceive and express ourselves, cultivate and maintain social relationships, assess change, cope with challenges and use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way.

It is important in your work life to communicate effectively by using emotional data to better understand how your message is being interpreted and send more meaningful information about your intentions in meetings and with team leadership.

Not just for leaders, EI assessments provide immediate insights on how individuals are coping, creating and maintaining relationships, self-awareness and empathy, employing decision making styles and more.

As a certified EQ-i 2.0 assessment provider, we offer robust EI leader, individual and 360 assessment tools. Employees gain new insight and actionable takeaways from EI data. It speaks volumes about what workforce the organization supports and what type of community they want to foster.

Those results could be further developed with leadership coaching and or career counselling to enhance core areas that might need more skill development.

EQ-i 2.0 is an online accessed, self-administered assessment and takes up to 20 minutes to complete. The report is processed and delivered by a certified EQ-i specialist who assists the participant or organization team with interpretation, goal setting and follow-up analysis derived from the EQ-i data.

Key Features are:

• Total EI score with five composite scores measuring distinct aspects of emotional and social functioning
• Deeper understanding of how the results affect a participant’s performance (conflict resolution, change management, teamwork, decision making and leadership)
• Make instant connections between subscales, forming decisions based on EI strengths and potential to improve EI weaknesses
• A Well-Being Indicator to measure your participant’s level of happiness; resulting in additional developmental opportunities
• Reporting designed with results-driven content and insights for action

As a career strategist, Erin Leslie provides career counselling service as well as the Career & Vocational Assessment Service at CFIR; certified in EQ-i 2.0 to compliment one-on-one coaching tailored specifically to individual client needs and corporate training on emotional intelligence development for teams and leaders.

Trauma and chronic stress deeply affect our bodies and minds, leaving lasting imprints in our cognitive and physiological memory. Physiological memory stores the physical sensations and reactions tied to traumatic experiences, which can resurface through triggers and lead to recurring distressing symptoms. 

Body-based therapies recognize the vital role of the body in trauma healing. By integrating body and mind, these therapies provide effective tools to unlock deep healing potential. They encourage us to reconnect with our bodily sensations, movements, and postures, tapping into the wisdom of the body. This process allows for the exploration and release of tension, leading to increased body awareness. 

A key aspect of body-based therapies is learning to regulate our physical responses. Therapists can help clients gain a better understanding of their bodily impulses and sensations, guiding them in safely navigating trauma-related sensations. By gradually learning skills to regulate arousal levels, we can regain control over our bodies, promoting resilience and regulation. 

Body-based therapies also focus on integrating traumatic experiences into our overall narrative. By bridging cognitive and physiological aspects of trauma, we can form a coherent and compassionate understanding of our journey. This integration cultivates a sense of safety, healing, and wholeness. 

Recognizing the interconnectedness of our bodies and minds is crucial for healing trauma and chronic stress. Body-based therapies offer powerful pathways to overcome these challenges while honouring the wisdom of the body. By embracing these approaches, we can embark on transformative journeys toward healing, resilience, and a renewed sense of well-being. 

Grabbe, L. (2017). The Trauma Resiliency Model: A “Bottom-Up” Intervention for Trauma

Psychotherapy. Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association, 24(1). https:/

doi.org/10.1177/1078390317745133 

Fisher, J. (2011). Sensorimotor Approaches to Trauma Treatment. Advances in psychiatric

treatment,17, 171–177. doi: 10.1192/apt.bp.109.007054 

Fisher, J. (2019). Sensorimotor Psychotherapy in the Treatment of Trauma. Practice Innovations,

4(3), 156-165. https://janinafisher.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/sensorimotor

psychotherapy-trauma.pdf 

Laura McKinney, B.A., is a therapy and assessment practicum student working under the supervision of Dr. Lila Hakim, C. Psych., currently completing her master’s in psychology. As a practicum student, Laura offers therapy at a discounted rate. She is passionate about helping clients heal from trauma and chronic stress. Please check out her profile on the Toronto team page on the CFIR website for more information.”

Attachment – One of our most fundamental basic needs as a human being. Attachment, in its simplest form, is contact, connection, to belong, to love and be loved. 

When a child is born, they have two primary needs. Their first need is attachment and they simply do not survive without it. Attachment remains important throughout our lives and continues to have survival implications as we need it to form societies and communities. The second need is the need for authenticity. At its core, this is the ability to know what we feel, to be in touch with our bodies, to trust our “gut feelings” and instincts. Authenticity is also to be able to identify and express who we are and manifest it in our activities, relationships, and day to day lives. Authenticity is also a survival need as we need to be in touch with our bodies and instincts to navigate potential threats. However, what may often happen, especially during our formative years is that our need for authenticity might conflict with our need for attachment: if I express my true emotions, wants, needs, I may sacrifice or lose out on my attachment need and thus not feel loved, worthy, or connected to those around me. This does not mean that it was done on purpose or that your caregivers did not love you or think you were worthy, but they might have had their own difficulties, stress, hurt, and were also suppressed. This is not about blame or figuring out who is at fault. Their distress and your distress can coexist and there can be space for both! 

As a child, when we experience this conflict, we ultimately learn that we need to suppress our authenticity and thus our emotions for our attachment that our life depends on. As adults, this might look like not knowing what we feel, what we want, or how to express ourselves. These experiences might have taught us that being authentic is too costly and thus we suppress those parts of us and over time lose touch with ourselves. This may then manifest in various forms of mental health and/or relational difficulties. Therapy can help you rediscover, connect and express these suppressed parts of ourselves and help regain your authenticity and identity while maintaining our forever important relationships! 

Kadir Ibrahim, M.Sc., M.A., R.P. (Qualifying) is a clinical psychology resident at CFIR. Kadir provides psychological services to adults experiencing a wide range of psychological difficulties related to mood and anxiety, trauma, grief and loss, and interpersonal relationships.