Eating goes hand in hand with the holiday season. We are brought to the table in ways that break our routines, and with people who we may only eat with at this time of year. For some, this is an exciting time of celebrating with loved ones through shared meals and meaningful food traditions. But for those who struggle with eating disorders or disordered eating, this is often a challenging time that can threaten the safety that exists in their daily eating routines. Fortunately, there are strategies that can be effective in coping with the anxiety and stress associated with eating through the holidays:

1. Eat regularly
   • One of the quickest routes to activating disordered eating behaviours is disrupting regular eating schedules. Oftentimes during the holidays, people will skip a meal earlier in the day to ‘save room’ for a larger holiday dinner. For those who struggle with disordered eating, this can lay the groundwork to trigger a later binge and subsequent compensatory behaviours. Ensure that you are eating your regular daily meals.
   • Overeating during the holidays is a common experience, given the plentiful availability of food. If you do overeat, or binge, be sure not to skip meals or snacks the following days in an attempt to compensate, as this tends to lead down the cycle of binging-purging/restricting.
2. Plan ahead
   • Know your triggers and anticipate how you might manage them. For example, if you know a family member always makes a comment about weight, have a topic ready to go to shift the conversation, respectfully excuse yourself from the conversation, or engage in breathing strategies to soothe through the distress. Make a list of the strategies that tend to work best for you ahead of time.
   • If you feel comfortable speaking to the host of the holiday meal, ask them ahead of time what foods will be available. Knowing that at least one safe food is available can help to alleviate anticipatory anxiety.
   • Plan what you will do after the holiday meal, to ride through any urges to engage in compensatory behaviours. 
3. Social support
   • Bringing a trusted loved one to holiday meals in and of itself can be soothing. They can support in shifting conversations away from food or appearance, take short breaks with you, and offer reassurance.
4. Carve out time for self-care
   • Our time can often feel dictated by the chaos of the holiday schedule. Ensure that you’re making time for self-care, whether through short breaks during holiday gatherings and meals, or scheduling full days to yourself. Having time for restoration, a mental break from the energy of the holidays, and re-engaging with activities that are pleasurable and soothing to you are important ways to re-centre yourself. 
   • If possible, try to plan a day to yourself after holiday events that you know will be especially challenging. 
5. Normalize changes in weight
   • With the changes to eating that come with the holidays, people typically find that their weight increases. If this is a trigger for you, be mindful of body- and weight-checking behaviours. Use strategies to delay and ride through those urges, such as distraction, breathing, or going to a different environment – think leaving the mirror in the bathroom, and instead, going to your living room to watch a funny TV show.
   • Remind yourself that as you continue with your regular eating and activities through the holidays and post-holidays, your body will readjust itself to its typical weight.
6. Plan activities that are not food-centred
   • Many holiday activities tend to be food-centred. While this can be a meaningful way to connect with others, planning activities that are not food-focused can help to create a sense of connection without the added layer of stress associated with food. Plan an outing to look at light displays in your city, or engage in outdoor activities like sledding or a winter walk.
7. Soothe and comfort
   • Those who struggle with disordered eating often feel a sense of shame during this time of year, wondering why they struggle so much when it seems that others don’t, or chastising their ‘flaws and failures’. If you are someone who tends to be harshly self-critical about your eating and body, acknowledging that this is a difficult time and validating the distress you are experiencing are important ways to soothe yourself through compassion. The disordered eating and related feelings have a history, developing over time for various reasons. Remind yourself that though the challenge and distress that comes along with disordered eating is valid, you are also more than just your relationship with food.

Dr. Jean Kim, Ph.D., C.Psych. is a clinical psychologist at CFIR’s Toronto location. Over the past eight years, Dr. Kim has had the opportunity to work alongside people as they develop a greater understanding of themselves and their relationships. She has specific interests and training in working with people who struggle with disordered eating, weight, body image concerns, as well as those who are experiencing the challenges of integrating their cultural identity.

(originally posted via National Initiative for Eating Disorders (NIED))

I started the National Initiative for Eating Disorders (NIED) back in 2012. At the time, our daughter had been suffering from anorexia and bulimia for two decades – it still feels impossible to reconcile the amount of time it’s had a grasp on her life. 

The life of a caregiver supporting someone living with a mental illness is a series of never-ending harsh realities. Here is mine: 

Twenty years ago, the word “caregiver” was not in my vocabulary. When you hear “caregiver,” most people think of seniors being looked after and cared for by their adult children – who may even be seniors themselves. I come from an entirely different caregiver population – (though I’m a senior myself!)

My caregiving journey began in 1999. Little did I know that our youngest daughter, [who was] almost 16 at the time, was struggling with self-esteem and anxiety issues. An eating disorder was about to become a devastating bomb dropped on her and the rest of our family.

When she first got sick in high school, her friend came to tell me that she was throwing away her school lunch. Around the same time, she became a vegetarian, started making and requesting ‘funny foods,’ and began exhibiting strange kitchen behaviours. Her overall attitude also started to change. 

“Where do we go from here?” I remember asking myself.

Our first thought was to speak with her pediatrician. At the time, we were so naïve and didn’t know we were about to get caught in the whirlwind of an unknown illness. We had no idea where we were heading.

I still remember my husband frantically charging through downtown Toronto to the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) to gather names of therapists, doctors, dieticians, nutritionists – anyone we could call or reach out to for help. There was no Google at that time, and the internet was in its infancy.

At the beginning of our daughter’s illness, I waited anxiously to attend a weekly peer support group for mothers – a life-saving program. 

I vividly remember sitting in this group and watching the facilitator ask those in the room to share how sick their daughters were and for how long. Some said three years, others said five years, and some even said ten years.

“Yeah, right, we will be done with this in a year,” I remember thinking. Unfortunately, this was not my reality, and I became one of those mothers. 

We tried everything to help her, from tough love to unconditional love, from having her living at home to refusing her living at home. From a publically televised intervention, to her residence in safe houses, renting basements, incarceration, inpatient and outpatient programs – the list goes on. Being an Eating Disorder caregiver is no easy feat.

Never in our wildest dreams (or nightmares) did we think we would be taken down these dark roads with our daughter who had everything a kid could want. We were loving parents doing everything we possibly could within reason for her and her older siblings. We even uprooted our lives and moved houses in the hopes of making our lives’ better’ and giving her privacy in our basement.

In 2016, I took her to the E.R. to be rehydrated – over 20 times. I would drop her outside and let her call me when she was done. I was getting to the end of my rope.

During that time, my only respite was that I knew she was safe in the hospital. She was too sick to run out with people watching over her. I was ‘free’ for a few hours – imagine having to think like this.

To this day, our hearts sink whenever we receive texts or telephone messages from her and have had to create an alert system so our own stress levels are lessened.

One significant lifestyle change we have made, with her agreement, is placing locks on the fridge and freezer. The only groceries in the kitchen are spices and seasonings. The rest are locked away. My grandkids are accustomed to asking “for the key to get a snack.” These adaptations are still realities in our lives.

Having an Eating Disorder is not a choice. Some people believe Eating Disorders are just a rich, vain teenage girl’s sickness. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Eating Disorders affect all genders, racial, ethnic, and religious identities, sexual orientations, and socio-economic backgrounds.

No one can condense twenty years of a living nightmare into a short blog post. But it is enough to paint a dark picture of the life my family and I have had to live with, affecting us all both emotionally and financially.

There is good news, though. After 19 years, our daughter has finally started her ascent up the mountain of recovery. She is driving again after 12 years of not being allowed to; she’s gained weight and is content. It feels like we have our daughter back.

We are finally starting to feel that all of her strength, love, and will to lead a quality life suppresses the voices stemming from her mental illness.

Although the stress and worries of being a caregiver will never leave us alone, we have remade our lives as a couple and continue living and are committed to enjoying our lives (which we do!) I count my blessings every day.

About the Guest Blogger: Wendy Preskow is the President and Founder of the National Initiative for Eating Disorders (NIED).  NIED is a not-for-profit coalition of health care professionals, counsellors and parents with children suffering from Eating Disorders. NIED’s team aims to help bring about positive change in both the availability and quality of treatment of Eating Disorders in Canada.