You might understand why you feel anxious, low, or stuck re-experiencing difficulties from the past, and have a number of concrete strategies to soften those experiences. However, you might still find your body responding as though it’s bracing for distress, feeling heavy or on edge. Much of how we experience the world is shaped by our nervous system — how we respond to stress, connect with others, and feel safe or unsafe in our own bodies. Even when we’re not fully aware of it, the body holds the stories of what we’ve lived through – the stress that lingers in our breath, the tension in our shoulders, the flutter in our chest when we feel uncertain.

When our nervous system feels more balanced, it can become easier to think clearly, regulate our emotions, and stay connected. When our nervous systems are overwhelmed or dysregulated, even ordinary moments may start to feel like too much, and we can experience burnout, anxiety or general distress.

As we notice the ways our body speaks, we come to understand that emotional pain isn’t just “in our heads” — it also lives in the places where we’ve learned to brace, hold, and protect ourselves. Our automatic responses — fight, flight, freeze, or connection — are intelligent survival strategies. The nervous system is always working to protect us. From this lens, experiences like anxiety, shutdown, or emotional reactivity can be seen as signals from the body — messages about safety, connection, and overwhelm.

Therapy with the right kind of mental health professional can provide a space to gently reconnect with the body — to slow down, notice, and begin to make sense of what it’s been carrying. As we tune into this connection, we open up the possibility of feeling more at home within ourselves. We can learn to collaborate with our nervous system: listening to its signals, recognizing its patterns, and gently guiding it toward safety and connection when possible.

Practices like gentle awareness, grounding, movement, or breath can help the nervous system begin to find its way toward balance. This isn’t about forcing relaxation or pushing through discomfort, but about slowly teaching the body that safety is possible in the present moment — and reconnecting with your innate capacity for self-regulation.

The over 70 clinicians at CFIR provide high quality therapy to help you gain more awareness to, and capacity to better regulate your nervous system in support of your mental health. Help is available to help you become a stronger, more resilient self, and to strengthen your relationships.

Juliana Riffat is a Registered Psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto. She works with children aged 8 years and older, teens, adults, and parents, supporting individuals and families navigating a range of emotional, relational, and developmental challenges. Juliana believes that healing begins with understanding and connection — that by attuning to the body’s quiet signals and the stories that shape our inner world, we can begin to restore a sense of safety and trust in ourselves.

Her approach is holistic and integrative, drawing from many approaches such as psychodynamic, attachment-based, somatic, and trauma-informed frameworks. Juliana brings warmth, curiosity, and care to her work, creating a collaborative space where healing can unfold at each client’s own pace.

References:

Dana, D. (2023). Polyvagal practices: Anchoring the self in safety. W. W. Norton & Company.

One of the most common patterns I see in my work with couples is not explosive conflict, but a quieter kind of strain. One partner feels emotionally overwhelmed and flooded, while the other feels confused, pressured, or never quite enough. Both are trying to protect the relationship, yet each feels increasingly alone inside it.

This dynamic is often misunderstood as a mismatch in emotional capacity or effort. In reality, it reflects two nervous systems responding to stress in different ways. One system moves toward urgency, expression, and proximity. The other moves toward logic, containment, or distance. When these responses collide, partners begin to experience each other as the problem rather than recognizing the state that is driving the interaction.

When anxiety or emotional intensity enters the relationship, it brings speed with it. The body signals danger and demands relief, even when no immediate threat exists. This can show up as reassurance seeking, heightened emotion, or repeated attempts to talk things through. The partner on the receiving end often responds by fixing, explaining, or trying to calm the moment through solutions. When this does not work, both partners feel frustrated and misunderstood.

What is often missed is that emotional intensity is a state, not a character flaw or a measure of relationship health. In my clinical work, the shift that changes everything is helping couples slow down enough to ask a different question. Not, How do we solve this, but, What does this moment need to feel safer.

Support does not always require answers. Sometimes it looks like staying present without pushing for resolution. Slowing the pace. Sitting in silence. Naming that nothing needs to be decided right now.

For the partner carrying the anxiety, the work is learning to notice when fear is shaping the interaction more than the actual issue. For the partner who feels pressure, the work is learning how to remain connected without taking responsibility for making the feeling disappear.

Healthy relationships are built through moments of discomfort that are met with care rather than urgency. When couples learn to move from fixing to attunement, connection becomes possible again.

This work is not about getting it right. It is about practicing a different way of being together!

Laura Moore, M.Psy., is an integrative therapist, and Senior Registered Psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) in Toronto. Her work focuses on helping individuals and couples understand the underlying relational and attachment patterns that create distance, particularly during periods of stress, uncertainty, or emotional overwhelm. Using a psychodynamic and nervous-system informed approach, Laura supports clients in recognizing how anxiety and protective strategies shape connection, and in shifting from urgency and fixing toward attunement and emotional safety. She is committed to creating a therapeutic space where complexity is held with care and where new ways of relating can emerge through presence rather than pressure.

In the part 1 of this blog, we discussed intolerance of uncertainty, and how it presents and works within anxiety. Now let’s discuss how to manage and change this intolerance of uncertainty. 

Chances are that if you identify with being intolerant of uncertainty, that over time you have developed habits in your life that either help you avoid uncertain situations, or strive to achieve as much certainty as possible. But these methods are not effective, since uncertainty is an unavoidable part of life. Awareness and acknowledgement of the problem is not enough to change our relationship with uncertainty; Action is required to truly change those deep-rooted beliefs and thoughts about uncertainty mentioned in part 1. This action is reflected through the Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy technique of Behavioural Experiments, and/or exposures (Hebert & Dugas, 2019).

For example, take the common parenting/coaching technique used on young children who were afraid of getting hit by the ball in baseball, where the parent intentionally throws the ball at the child. Once the child has faced their fear of getting hit with the ball, they have objective evidence that helps them learn: 1) whether the feared outcome was as bad as they anticipated, and 2) whether they could cope with the feared outcome. This is how action helps us gather evidence to re-evaluate our beliefs and assumptions, and form new, more adaptive ones.

If I were tolerant of uncertainty, how would I act?

This question forms the basis of behavioural experiments and exposures directly targeting intolerance of uncertainty. But behavioural experiments are developed in a more intentional and systematic way than unpredictably being hit by a baseball and finding out that it wasn’t that bad afterwards. Behavioural experiments take exposure exercises one step further by not only requiring you to face situations that involve uncertainty (i.e., eating at a new restaurant), but facing uncertain situations in order to test specific beliefs about uncertainty (i.e., “Uncertainty will lead to disappointment and regret.”) (Hebert & Dugas, 2019).

Working with a CBT therapist will help you practice behavioural experiments that are effective and therapeutic, via empirically supported treatment. They will help you identify unhelpful or negative beliefs about uncertainty that drive your intolerance and symptoms of anxiety, develop a list of uncertain situations you either avoid altogether or seek out certainty around, and successfully conduct behavioural experiments or exposures that directly target and challenge your specific beliefs about uncertainty. 

Reference:

 Hebert, E. A., & Dugas, M. J. (2019). Behavioral experiments for intolerance of uncertainty: Challenging the unknown in the treatment of generalized anxiety disorder. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 26(2), 421-436.

Erin Tatarnic, R.P. is a registered psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). She provides psychotherapy to individual adults experiencing a range of mental health difficulties including anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, obsessive-compulsive concerns, depression, relationship difficulties, and coping with neurodiversity differences. Erin works from a client-centred approach using a cognitive-behavioural framework (CBT), while also integrating therapeutic techniques from emotion-focused therapy (EFT) and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.

Yes, you read that right. Not gluten-, not dairy-, but an Intolerance of Uncertainty, which is a key driver within anxiety (Koerner & Dugas, 2006). When one has a medical allergy, they experience very strong physical reactions when exposed to even a small trace of the substance they’re allergic to. Intolerance of uncertainty is like a psychological allergy, where even a miniscule amount of uncertainty in a situation, creates negative and uncomfortable effects, such as excessive worrying and physical symptoms of anxiety. No matter how unlikely an outcome is, such as being in a plane crash, unless one can achieve 100% certainty of the outcome, it will be worried about. This intolerance of uncertainty can go as far as those with anxiety even preferring a negative outcome to their problem, over an uncertain one (Hello, self-sabotage!). 

So what are some telltale signs that you have an intolerance of uncertainty?

No, not hives, anaphylactic shock, or swelling. Some of the most common ways those with anxiety may act in the face of uncertainty include:

• Avoiding doing uncertain things altogether
  • Avoiding investing in therapy because it’s uncertain what the outcome will be or how the experience will feel
• Making up obstacles or excuses to not do things
  •  “I know exercise would be good for me, but what if I end up injuring myself?”
• Procrastinating
  • Avoiding asking a friend for a favour because you’re uncertain of how they’ll respond
• Having difficulty delegating tasks or trusting others
  • Doing all the chores yourself because you can’t be certain that your partner will do it “right”
• Seeking excessive information before making decisions or acting
  • Researching several different options of blenders from several different stores before buying one 
• Seeking reassurance from others
  • Asking multiple people in your life for advice or reassurance about the same problem, or asking them to decide for you

Intolerance of uncertainty is due to unhelpful beliefs held about uncertainty: That it is dangerous, that we cannot cope with it, and that it must be avoided at all costs (Koerner & Dugas, 2006). However, operating under those beliefs only strengthens the adverse reaction to uncertainty, shrinks your comfort zone, and exhausts you from constantly trying to achieve certainty in a world where it’s impossible to not come across uncertainty in some way or another. Read on for part 2 of how to face uncertainty if you identify as uncertainty-intolerant.

Reference:

 Koerner, N., & Dugas, M. J. (2006). A cognitive model of generalized anxiety disorder: The role of intolerance of uncertainty. Worry and its psychological disorders: Theory, assessment and treatment, 201-216.Erin Tatarnic, R.P. is a registered psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). She provides psychotherapy to individual adults experiencing a range of mental health difficulties including anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, obsessive-compulsive concerns, depression, relationship difficulties, and coping with neurodiversity differences. Erin works from a client-centred approach using a cognitive-behavioural framework (CBT), while also integrating therapeutic techniques from emotion-focused therapy (EFT) and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.

By: Dr. Peter Egeto, C.Psych (Supervised Practice)

Everyone has this thought run through their head when they’re having trouble focusing on a work task, school assignment, or other commitment. It is a very frustrating obstacle, so why can’t we just focus?

Attention is the first, and crucial step to apply our thinking power to a task. Without it, we’re unable to learn, problem solve, or think clearly. There are lots of reasons why our attention can be challenged. 

Anxiety often takes attention away from the task at hand. Evolutionarily, anxiety developed partly to help us survive by looking for threats in the environment. Although your project deadline may not be a life or death “threat,” the emotion still kicks in and draws your attention away from the work you’re trying to do.

Alternately, some people’s brains develop differently, and have trouble controlling their attention. This is referred to as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). People with ADHD have great difficulty focusing because they are easily distracted by other thoughts or things in their surroundings. It can feel like your head is a vortex of racing thoughts, which can make a simple task frustrating or daunting.

How can I focus better? 

Luckily, there are ways to optimize your attention. Completing a neuropsychological assessment is a good way to tease apart whether your attention is hindered by anxiety, or potentially ADHD. It can also offer solutions tailored to your unique issues. Anxiety management strategies can free up your attention, while ADHD can be managed with medication, therapy, or both. 

Each year, millions of Canadians suffer from mild to debilitating bouts of depression and anxiety. “It’s so hard to figure out what next steps to take when your attention, concentration, emotional distress and basic sense of vitality are so affected by declining mental health” says Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych, Centre Director at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships in both downtown Ottawa and Toronto.

Figuring out your next steps isn’t so easy. Clients are often overwhelmed by the numerous choices and decisions that have to be made about treatment possibilities and who might be the appropriate mental health professional to help them.

Decades of research on depression and anxiety point to biological, attachment, developmental, childhood trauma, socio-cultural context, environment, emotional, cognitive, behavioural, personality and interpersonal factors as possible precipitators of symptoms. What’s causing you to be depressed and anxious can be complex to sort through.

“CFIR mental health clinicians employ a biopsychosocial model to understand and capture a broad picture of the factors that may be affecting your well-being. It’s not always so simple that there is only a sole factor underlying your symptoms—sometimes many factors have to be considered to address the different layers underlying a person’s distress” cautions Dr. Hakim, C.Psych., “and it’s important to find a practitioner that can understand your depression and anxiety in complex ways. For example, sometimes it’s not just about changing thoughts and how you are thinking about a situation.”

Choices and decisions also have to be made about treatment —medication and/or psychological treatment and what type of psychotherapy might be best for you. Adding to the burden of decision-making is the recent advent of computerized psychological treatments—where treatment involves minimal contact with a care provider. Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. offers several suggestions to help you wade through these complex waters.

“It’s always important to have a general physical health exam to rule out physical causes for your depression and anxiety. Your physician can help you with decisions about which medication might be best for you, and there’s even testing you can have done that can inform you about which medications might have lesser side effects for you. Physicians have different levels of training in mental health treatment and do provide medication options. You might want to also seek out a professional trained as a mental health practitioner along with your visit to your doctor”, according to Dr. Hakim, C.Psych.

Whether you decide to take medication or engage in psychotherapy as a first line treatment approach will depend on you. Numerous research studies, however, have been conducted to guide clients on this subject. Dr. Hakim, C.Psych provides insights from these studies; “Research shows that psychotherapy is effective for mild to moderate symptoms, and a combination of both medication and psychotherapy might be the way to go for individuals with severe and debilitating symptoms. Medication increases neurotransmitters in your brain and can make you feel better, and adding psychotherapy to the mix improves outcomes because the other possible factors underlying your depression and anxiety symptoms still have to be addressed.”

When it comes to choosing what type of psychotherapy might be right for you, clients have further complex decisions in front of them. Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. provides further guidance to help you sort through these decisions. “Some mental health care professionals provide clients with support to change the way they think about situations, or provide skills and strategies to deal with distress and symptoms (e.g., Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy). These types of approaches try to help the client to feel better by managing symptoms, yet there are often many potential factors underlying anxiety and depression. Other mental health care professionals will work with your past and present-day experiences to help you gain awareness and insight into your emotions, self and relationship patterns, self-protection and defences that interfere with healthy functioning. These approaches help you to find more adaptive responses to everyday life but requires a deeper exploration of and engagement with the individual’s emotions, self and past experiences (e.g., Psychodynamic Therapy).”

Some individuals may prefer to learn strategies to diminish symptoms and feel good without deeply understanding themselves by exploring their pasts and emotional reactions to every day life while others may want to understand themselves more profoundly. “The idea that our past influences our present-day experience is a commonly held notion in the field. The way we think and feel about ourselves, think and emotionally react and respond to others, and how we behave and relate to others in our present-day is highly influenced by our past experiences” according to Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. Her final word on this topic is “that finding a mental health clinician who can flexibly work with you and integrate different psychotherapy models might provide more opportunities to work on different factors underlying depression and anxiety symptoms.” This view of treatment is the basic philosophy that underlies the treatment approach offered by the over 75 mental health clinicians at Dr. Hakim, C.Psych.’s centre. They offer flexible treatment options to work with different factors underlying anxiety and depression, and can move between symptom and distress management to working with deeper underlying factors causing your distress.

Finally, Dr. Hakim, C.Psych. shares her perspective on computerized psychological treatment. ‘In Ontario, free computerized psychological treatment services are offered, which is good and I do refer my clients to these sites as an adjunct to the treatment I am providing. Computerized treatment isn’t for everyone and doesn’t necessarily capture the complex factors underlying a unique individuals struggles with depression and anxiety. Sitting alone in front of a computer with only intermittent meetings with a mental health care professional may not allow for the necessary support and treatment related to the numerous factors underlying symptoms. Depression and anxiety have attachment, developmental, emotional, personality and interpersonal factors that are difficult to address on a computer.”

It’s no surprise that 2020 was a challenging year — with the pandemic bringing anxiety, grief, burnout, and financial strain to the masses, not to mention other stress-inducing events. Now that we’ve entered Winter 2021, we are currently experiencing a new challenge: navigating the pandemic’s effects at a time that is already difficult for many people. With pandemic fatigue, shorter and colder days, and social isolation, it’s safe to say that this winter hasn’t been an easy season to date for many people. Despite this challenging time, the good news is that we can do things to help us prepare for and cope with the transition into winter. 

Learn to enjoy the outdoors

Nothing is worse than experiencing months of winter when you hate winter. The antidote? Find ways to engage with the outdoors. The cold is an apparent reason why people struggle with winter. I’ve found it’s easier to bear with preparation — investing in warm and comfortable winter wear is a helpful first step, and a hot beverage in hand can make things more relaxing. Taking up a winter sport or activity can also make the outdoors more fun. Why not try sledding with the family on the weekend, try cross country skiing, or try to see the beauty in wintery nature by going for a walk? Trying different activities can also bring variety to your life, which is sometimes lost when we ‘hunker down’ during the pandemic.

Exercise 

With the winter months bringing in higher rates of depression and seasonal affective disorder, finding ways to cope is an essential step in their treatment. While exercise may not be a solution to these disorders, research has shown physical activity to be as effective in treating mild to moderate depression as medication (O’Neal, Dunn & Martinsen, 2000). Winter is when many people want to stay inside watching movies on the couch, and engaging in exercise might feel like a chore. The key is finding an activity you like and ways to make it the most comfortable choice. The best exercise is the one you’ll do, and often, it’s easiest to engage in an activity when it’s a part of your routine (like brushing your teeth). Experiment with a time of day that works best for you. Many people feel most motivated in the morning, and engaging in health behaviours early on in the day can snowball into more health behaviours as your day continues.

Try a little Hygge

‘Hygge’ (pronounced: “hoo – guh”) is an integral part of the Danish lifestyle, encompassing coziness, warmth, and wellbeing through enjoying simple pleasures in everyday life. Though Denmark is known for having intense winters, the hygge lifestyle is a custom that has contributed to making the country amongst the world’s happiest. So how do you incorporate more hygge in your life this winter? Light candles, snuggle under warm blankets, gather some good books, enjoy comforting foods, fit in some quality time to connect with loved ones – what sorts of things will you try? 

Schedule regular social time

Ever find that it’s becoming increasingly more comfortable to be socially isolated during the pandemic? These social distancing regulations make it challenging to spend time with our loved ones in the same way we once did. Many of us can become inclined to isolate; but, isolation can make winter especially difficult considering a time when depressive disorders are most common. Scheduling weekly video calls or socially distanced walks with loved ones helps manage the effects of social isolation. 

Be kind to yourself

When times get rough, it can be tempting to look for someone to blame — and we often direct it to ourselves. While many of us are our own worst critics and often criticize ourselves for instigating change, we may promote the opposite. How can any of us have a positive relationship with ourselves, feel motivated to complete work, or begin a healthier lifestyle if we unceasingly criticize, condemn, nitpick, or hate ourselves? We often speak to ourselves in a way that we wouldn’t talk to our worst enemy–so why say them to the person we’re supposed to have the most connected, intimate relationship with — ourselves? When you’re in the self-critical headspace, try talking to yourself as if you were your own best friend. What would they say? Would they be judgmental or provide a balanced view of the situation? Would they tell you all of the things you’re doing poorly, or would they highlight the positive and how for you’ve come? Would they provide further criticism, or would they soothe the wounds you’ve created for yourself? Remember, all you are ever doing is the best you can, at this moment in time, with the resources you have. That’s the best anyone can ever ask for, given the circumstances!

Seek professional help

Life isn’t simple, especially during a pandemic. Admitting that we need help can sometimes feel complicated. But no matter where you’re at in your life journey, you’re never broken — just stuck. Seeking professional help can be an excellent way to maintain your wellbeing and get support during your most trying times.  Consider contacting the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR) if you are seeking therapy services. CFIR is a collective of over 70 clinicians who provide various treatment and assessment services and work with clients of all ages, life stages, cultural, sexual, gender, and romantic orientations. Free consultation and reduced fee options are available, making our services an affordable and accessible option for your therapeutic needs. We hope to be a part of your support network!

References

O’Neal, H. A., Dunn, A. L., & Martinsen, E. W. (2000). Depression and exercise. International Journal of Sport Psychology.

Carolyn Streich, BMus, B.A. is a counsellor at Centre for Interpersonal Relationships working under the clinical supervision of Tracie Lee, R.P. (Registered Psychotherapist). She currently holds a B.A. in Psychology (Honours), and is in her final year of her Masters in Counselling Psychology program (M.Ed) at University of Ottawa.

Reesa Packard, R.P., Ph.D. (Associate at CFIR – Ottawa) was on the airwaves with 1310News’ Sam Laprade! The two shared an engaging discussion about managing mental health throughout the pandemic and beyond. This conversation is one you don’t want want to miss.

To learn more about how clinicians at CFIR can help you online or by phone, go to www.cfir.ca

The COVID-19 pandemic has had, and continues to have, a significant impact on us as individuals and as a society, on a worldwide scale. There have been significant changes to our daily experiences in the context of lockdowns, self-isolation, and physical distancing. As humans, we are inherently social creatures, and in the context of this pandemic, we have lost access to the typical ways in which we meet our social needs. This pandemic has significantly changed our lives and can cause (variable and/or persistent) acute stress and chronic stress responses.

The pandemic as an “acute stress”

Initially, the onset of the pandemic can be considered to be an acute stress in terms of the way it impacted us and our ability to cope; regarding the impact on ourselves and our nervous systems, an acute stress response is one that activates the sympathetic nervous system or “fight or flight response.” This response is often referred to as “anxiety,” which can be more episodic in nature as our nervous system responds to a threat the environment and then we subsequently seek safety and can return to a state of ease. As such, the anxiety system is meant to switch on and off as a response to immediate threats in the environment. 

In regard to the pandemic, especially the initial onset, we perceive the presence of immediate danger and our nervous systems respond as if there is an immediate stress or risk of danger. In many ways, the pandemic provides a legitimate increased risk of danger in relation to the risk of infection and the consequences of that infection. As such, when responding to an acute stressor, our nervous systems respond with hypervigilance (i.e., scanning the environment for danger), muscle tension (in order to spring the action), worry/preoccupation (as a way to analyze the environment in hopes to keep us safe), as well as other sympathetic nervous system responses, such as increased heart rate and changes in breathing rate.

The pandemic as a “chronic stress”

In the wake of a prolonged period of an acute stress reaction, a stressor can become chronic. There are many stressors that can become chronic, such as work stress, interpersonal relationship issues, financial strain, and the prolonged fear of infection (i.e., pandemic), to name a few. For the context of this article, I believe there to be a difference between acute stress, referred to above as “anxiety,” and chronic stress, which I refer to as “stress,” but this is a matter of labels and diction.

When a stressor becomes chronic, it impacts the mind and body in a more profound manner as it continues to tax resources in a way that was not intended. During periods of chronic stress, stress hormones are continuously released in the body, perpetuating a fight or flight response. In the face of persistent sympathetic nervous system activation, we experience chronic muscle tension and soreness (e.g., in the shoulders, neck, jaw), disrupted sleep patterns, disrupted eating habits, significant fatigue or lack of energy, decline in cognitive function (e.g., poor attention/concentration), increased irritability, becoming easily overwhelmed, and feeling depressed. Other indicators of chronic stress include G.I. distress/digestive issues, chronic pain, headaches, poor immune system function (e.g., frequent infections/colds), and decreased libido. Over time, we begin to lose the capacity to engage more effectively in other parts of our life (that we previously enjoyed) as the chronic stressor takes up most, or all, of our physical and mental resources. Our lives become narrow in terms of activities where we confront/face the chronic stressor and resort to recovery actions; without awareness of our coping repertoire and the short and long term impacts of these actions, we often engage in “maladaptive” coping strategies that provide immediate relief of the stress response, such as escaping/disconnecting (e.g., excessive sleep, excessive use of TV or video games, zoning out), numbing (e.g., substance use, less health food habits and choices), and avoidance (i.e., not engaging in activities that provoke any level of distress). As maladpative coping of the chronic stressor persists, our lives may become more and more limited.

An interesting phenomenon that appears to be occurring during the pandemic is that many individuals report experiencing, sometimes extreme, fluctuations in their well-being, functioning, and emotion regulation/mood. People report this experience as functioning “ok” and being able to meet the demands have their daily life and some of the additional goals they may set for themselves for a few days, and sometimes without notice, the same person might report a significant reduction in their ability to meet these demands for a few days. During these “down days,” the person will likely experience the above-mentioned symptoms a facing a chronic stressor. Following a period of these down days, the person will return to an “ok” level of functioning -and the cycle continues, perhaps with longer periods of down days as the pandemic chronic stress endures.

Chronic stress – an analogy regarding coping

When speaking with clients about the impact of chronic stress, I like to use the analogy of a bucket, which I refer to as “the coping bucket.” When stressors appear in our life, as they do on a daily basis to varying degrees, it is as if liquid is filling our bucket; the larger the stressor, the greater the flow and quantity of the liquid. Once the liquid reaches the top of the bucket (i.e., our upper threshold for our ability to cope with the stress), we start to experience more severe symptoms, such as “breakdowns,” feeling overwhelmed, anger outbursts, emotional dysregulation, etc. 

In order for us to regulate the amount of liquid in the bucket, we need to find ways to release liquid from the bucket, and in the context of this analogy, I imagine spouts at the bottom of the bucket that can pour liquid out; these spouts are our adaptive coping (i.e., helpful) strategies. Similar to the flow speed and quantity of liquid entering the bucket, the spouts differ in terms of how quickly and how much stress they release. For example, in the context of the pandemic, the spouts that previously released greater amounts of liquid likely release less liquid currently because we strategy has been modified to fit within pandemic guidelines. A prime example of this is the way in which we connect socially during the pandemic; many people remark that there is something “different” about connecting virtually rather than connecting in person and that it does not meet our need for connection to the same degree as before.

It is important to note that, at certain points in our lives (depending on the surrounding context of our life), what may have been an adaptive and helpful coping strategy might actually become a source of stress and “add” to the bucket. Part of developing our ability to cope with the variable stressors of life is to pay attention to what our mind and body needsin a given moment and what will best serve the purpose of reducing the liquid (i.e., stress) from the bucket. For example, exercise is generally an adaptive coping strategy to burn off distressed energy; however, when we are feeling rundown and significantly fatigued, exercise may exacerbate this and push us closer to burnout.

If you are having difficulty coping with acute, chronic, or pandemic stress, I encourage you to reach out to a professional (psychologist or psychotherapist) who can assist you in developing and strengthening your coping skill repertoire, as well as address other contributing factors to the maintenance of your symptoms.

Dr. W. Rylie Moore, C.Psych., is a clinical psychologist & neuropsychologist at CFIR’s Toronto location and he has published academic articles in peer-reviewed journals and book chapters. As a requested presenter at numerous national and international academic conferences, Dr. Moore has spoken on topics related to gender dysphoria, LGBT2QA advocacy, psychological assessment, executive functions (cognitive abilities that could be described as the CEO of the brain), stuttering, and bilingualism. In his therapy practice, he works with clients to understand what is happening for them in its larger context, including past experiences and their social world. 

2020 has been far from the easiest year so far. The global pandemic imposed quarantine and social distancing, loneliness, loss of job and financial security, complexified family-work balance, increased levels of stress and mood fluctuations, winter weather in late April…

Meanwhile, our regular life stressors continue to persist. We may be dealing with illness, grief, conflicts, separation, or difficult life transitions. It can be quite challenging to hold all of this at the same time or to maintain our usual upbeat attitude and optimism.

These kinds of considerations often contribute to our negative thought cycles, where everything seems unmanageable, our cynical world views are confirmed, and we experience feelings of despair and frustration. Below are a few ways to soothe those negative loops and help regulate the underlying vulnerable emotions:

• Turn up the volume of our self-compassionate voice: Judging ourselves for not feeling well or not being our usual self is only aggravating our negative thought cycles. Instead, let’s be more validating regarding our feelings, needs, and limits, and remember that what we are feeling is normal and is a shared human experience.
• Limit exposure to news and social media: Being informed of the evolution of the pandemic, its impacts, and social measures recommended by our governments is important. However, a continual barrage of negative news and information has its toll on our mental state. I recommend allocating a specific amount of time during the day to read on the pandemic, and then moving on to more enjoyable content. 
• Reframing our thoughts: Being aware of our negative thoughts that contribute to lower mood and heightened anxiety helps to reframe them and identify authentic needs more effectively. “I am cut off from everyone” could be reframed as “I am feeling lonely today, which contributes to my sadness – I may call my friends today to feel more connected.” “This nightmare will never end” could be reframed as, “I am afraid of what is to come, which contributes to my anxiety – I will practice breathing exercises and talk about this with my partner.” 
• Practice self-care: We tend to forget to do what makes us feel good when we need it the most. Let’s put a pause on our daily autopilot routine and perform activities or small gestures to take care of ourselves. 
• Connect with the current positives around us: Even though the present times are very challenging, we continue to be surrounded by positive moments and kind actions. Try to glean hope from the various ways people are working together to mitigate the pandemic. Witness the support given to front-line health workers, and observe how the environment is benefiting from humans slowing down. Notice how strangers are saying hello to each other on the streets, or experience how being at home and connecting with loved ones is reminding us of what’s truly important to us.

We are going through this together, and we are required to take it one day at a time, but sometimes things can feel overwhelming. If the negative thought cycles are too challenging to cope with or are causing significant emotional distress, it is ok to ask for help from our social support system or mental health professionals. CFIR is here to help, and continues to offer teletherapy and reduced-cost services. 

Dr.Karine Côté, D.Psy., C.Psych. is a psychologist at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR). Dr. Côté provides psychological services to individual adults and couples experiencing a wide range of psychological and relationship difficulties related to mood and anxiety disorders, trauma, eating disorders, sleep disruptions, and interpersonal betrayal. She works from a humanistic approach and integrates therapeutic techniques from gestalt and object relations psychotherapies, emotion-focused therapy (EFT), and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).