According to attachment theory, as a result of early year interactions with caregivers, we either become securely attached or insecurely attached—either anxiously or avoidantly attached.  Attachment style then influences sexuality in complex ways. Anxiously attached partners in the bedroom might be seeking out sex for reassurance of self or attachment fears.  For example, they may feel less positive about themselves (e.g., undesirable or unattractive), and/or have worries about the availability, accessibility, and responsiveness of their partner.  Strong sexual desire is fuelled by the need for self and attachment reassurance. Avoidantly attached partners are not motivated sexually in the same way.  These partners are more likely to focus on the pleasure-oriented aspects of sex only and have difficulties with feelings of closeness.  Some avoidantly attached partners will have sex for duty’s sake. Arousal and desire problems arise when anxiously or avoidantly attached partners are unable to fulfill these goals.  

The clinicians at CFIR support couple partners to discover the multiple ways in which securely attached partners experience and explore sexuality. The couple and sex therapy clinicians at CFIR use a wide variety of strategies to support couple partners to build more confidence in their sexuality, greater eroticism, and desire.

Over the past 35 years, there has been a substantial amount of research conducted to identify psychotherapy treatments that work. Research suggests that many different types of treatment approaches might be beneficial for a wide variety of disorders. It is vital that a clinician who is providing you treatment is trained in empirically-supported treatment interventions so that you know that you are getting the most scientifically investigated treatment interventions. 

Recently, evidence-based practice has come to mean more than empirically-supported treatment (Canadian Psychological Association, 2012). Evidence-based practice involves the thoughtful and informed use of the psychological research base to inform clinical treatment practice. It’s also essential that your clinician be able to attend to a wide range of individual differences and personal client factors (e.g., attachment style, coping styles, cultural factors) in treatment, as well as consideration and use of research in supporting clients in their healing process. 

The clinicians at CFIR are invested in providing empirically-supported treatments, tailoring treatment to individuals based on their needs and individual differences, and ensuring that we are kept abreast of leading-edge research related to your presenting issues.

Forgiveness and reconciliation after an extramarital affair is a complex process. Forgiveness occurs when there is an experiential shift in the injured partner toward the betraying partner— a movement toward softer feelings. This experiential shift requires an unpacking of different types of emotional reactions associated with these types of relationship traumas. The shattering of one’s sense of self, the other, and one’s sense of future identity in the aftermath of an affair can create instability and insecurity in one’s self and the relationship. These types of injuries result in complex emotional reactions that require resolution. Reconciliation, the next step in recovery, occurs when steps are taken to rebuild trust and restore the relationship after a forgiveness process. These steps are essential for the restoration of security.

The team of psychologists, psychotherapists, and counsellors at CFIR employ evidence-based interventions to support relationship partners beleaguered by emotional injuries in the aftermath of an affair. Steps to forgiveness and reconciliation and the interventions required for successful resolution of an extramarital affair have been delineated in research conducted by Dr. Zuccarini, C.Psych., co-founder of the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships. (Zuccarini et al., 2013). Clinicians at CFIR are prepared to support you in promoting healing in your relationship.

We were all teenagers once, yet sometimes trying to understand what’s on your teen’s mind is harder than advanced high school calculus. What can make matters worse is when, in your parental quest to figure out your teen’s thoughts, feelings and motivations, both you and your child end up having a conflict and/or experiencing feelings of confusion, frustration, and at times, ultimate helplessness.

While teenagers sometimes aren’t as vocal and open with their parents, a crucial step in a parent confronting a teenager’s psychological challenges is helping them identify the source and then exploring options to address it.

“My teen is withdrawing from the family.”  

“You’re not the boss of me.” Or “You just don’t get it!” How many times did you say this to your parents as a teen? How many times have you been on the receiving end of those words? One of the most widespread challenges of adolescence is the parent-teen relationship. Parents often grapple with a balance between providing support while allowing teens to make their own decisions and life choices. Here are some things you can do:

• Accept: Your teenager is exploring an unfamiliar life stage – – one in which friends and classmates are considered the most influential. You can continue to play a very prominent role in their lives often by merely letting them know that they can reach out to you when they need to. 

• Avoid why questions: Checking-in with your child is essential. But try to avoid “WHY” questions. What you believe to be a simple question of curiosity might be interpreted by your teen as the ‘Third Degree’ leaving both of you equally frustrated. Instead of saying, “Why on earth did you do that?” maybe try rephrasing the question as “What did you hope would happen?” 

• Plan activities: Shared interests (or maybe not…) Venturing into your teen’s world to learn about a new videogame might be an opportunity for him or her to teach YOU something new. Or maybe you can offer to teach your teen a new skill. Whether it’s teaching your teen a new recipe or how to change a tire – that might be another way to connect – – but remember: DON’T FORCE IT!   

• Share your own experience:  Often times, teens appreciate hearing about their parents’ own teenage experiences. Feel comfortable sharing your own adolescent experiences and give your teen the opportunity to ask you questions. Most importantly, try to make connections between your skills and your teen’s current ones. 

• Monitor screen time: Like it or not, screens – – whether they are smartphones, tablets, portable games, video game consoles, computers, and TVs – – have become an integral part of teenagers’ daily lives. If you’re hoping it’s a stage, I have news for you – – this is unlikely to change soon. As such, setting limits on screen time use for the entire family (e.g., dinner time, movie nights) will encourage face-to-face communication among family members, without teens feeling singled-out.

“My teen experienced a traumatic event. How do I offer support?” 

Talking about a traumatic event, at any age, can be overwhelming. Teenagers might not know who they should talk to, how to talk to someone, how much is appropriate to share, or where to start. Some teens might feel more comfortable talking to a friend, a sibling, or a mental health professional. Meeting your teen at a level where he or she feels comfortable is KEY! If your teen has reached out to you for support, it’s important to consider the following:

• Try to stay calm/composed: Although you, as a parent, are also experiencing heightened levels of emotions, it’s vital for you to remain calm for your teen when talking about his or her traumatic experience so you can foster feelings of safety and security. 

• Avoid judgment: Traumatic experiences often lead to feelings of self-blame and guilt. It’s crucial to listen openly and empathically, and, most importantly, convey the message that this was NOT the teen’s fault. 

• Show openness to questions: Allow your teen to ask questions and try your best to answer these questions openly and honestly. 

• Know your limits: if your teen is having difficulty talking about the experience with you, don’t take it personally. It’s not uncommon for a teenager to “not want to share” with a parent (at least initially). What’s most important is that your teen receives appropriate support. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance. 

“My teen can’t seem to meet school deadlines or focus in class.” 

High school has never been easy. At some point or another, many teens experience difficulty in school – whether it’s their ability to focus in a particular class, study for an exam, or find the motivation to do homework. For some teens, these daily difficulties pose challenges to their overall learning experience and impact their overall functioning.  As teenagers advance in school, academic demands increase, and challenges sometimes become more apparent. As a result, it is essential to understand when these challenges might be a sign of a learning disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (or more commonly referred to as ADHD):

• Has your teen experienced changes in attitude toward school/school attendance? For example, a teenager who previously enjoyed school now demonstrates resistance or a negative attitude toward school. 
• Has your teen expressed emotional concerns like feeling anxious or overwhelmed about completing school work or writing exams? 
• Has your teen complained about difficulty keeping up with school work/devoting an excessive amount of time to homework compared to other classmates? 
• Has the school expressed concern regarding challenges (e.g., applying skills and knowledge, impulsive and disruptive behaviours, difficulty with focus) that are interfering with your teen’s ability to reach his/her academic potential?
• Is your teen experiencing consistent difficulty with planning and organization, remembering details, and time-management? 

If you answered “YES” to any one of those questions, a psychoeducational assessment might provide a clear understanding of your teenager’s cognitive and academic strengths and challenges. In addition, an assessment might also inform you and your teen of appropriate accommodations that can be made at both the secondary and post-secondary level to ensure that your teen performs at an academic level reflective of his or her abilities.

by: Joshua Peters, M.A., R.P.

Relationships have never been easy and now it seems we’re in a space and time where technology and the way we connect are continuously growing and changing. The intimacy we have with someone can mean so much, yet it seems we consistently struggle to maintain the bond. How can we know if we are “getting it right” in our partnerships?

In speaking about the complexity of our relationships, famed relationship expert, Esther Perel notes that “companionship, family, children, economic support, a best friend, a passionate lover, a trusted confidante, an intellectual equal […] we are asking from one person what an entire village once provided.” In this paradigm, it can be hard to understand when our partners and our relationships maybe failing us. 

Here are some signs that indicate your relationship may need some work:

1. Lack of Communication 

In a world bursting with ways to communicate, it may be surprising to learn that ineffective communication remains a common issue in relationships. It’s impossible for your partner to know all your needs, feelings, and thoughts without talking about them. Communication is essential in overcoming relationship wounds, and very few relationships can survive without it.

2. Arguing with No Repair

Though constant arguing can sometimes be indicative of relationship distress – unrepaired conflict may be the real culprit. Arguments, when done sympathetically, are an essential part of relationship satisfaction. Repairing from a dispute allows partners to accept each ones’ differences and re-establish their love for one another. 

3. Loss of Curiosity

We are continually growing and changing as individuals and it crucial we remember to remain curious about our partners as they grow. The experience of curiosity and surprise is one of the essential processes in maintaining long-term desire. Partners in healthy relationships are happy to explore their partner’s unique perspective of the world.

4. Mind Reading

This familiar refrain, “Look, I know you’re angry…” exposes a common misstep in many relationships. Often experienced in conjunction with a loss of curiosity, partners start assuming they are always in each other’s “bad books” even before a problem is revealed. Stay tentative about your perceived experience of your partner, especially in times of distress. You might be surprised by the difference between how they feel and how you thought the feel!

5. Loss of Priority

It can be hard to find a balance between work, children, friends, and family in today’s busy world. How you prioritize your relationship may look different to you, so it’s crucial that you discuss this with your partner. Failure to explore this in a discussion could leave your partner feeling unloved and unimportant. 

6. No Hurt – Only Anger

When we’re most distressed it may feel instinctive to get angry. Though anger is an important emotion in that it tells us something isn’t working, it isn’t usually helpful in resolving conflict. Instead, opting to express our more vulnerable and hurt emotions allows our partner to understand and ultimately care for us when necessary. 

7. Blaming your partner

It takes two to tango! Though one partner may sometimes be experiencing more distress, it’s beneficial to recognize that your relationship is co-created by both of you. Take note of how you may be contributing to the dynamic between you and your partner.

Couples experiencing any of these relationship difficulties at heightened levels may feel like they are insurmountable problems. However, exploring these issues can provide a needed check-in for your relationship. Moreover, what you discover can inspire you and your partner to reimage what your relationship could become. Couples therapy offers an excellent opportunity to explore these struggles and move towards growth. The skilled clinicians at CFIR can help you and your partner better understands your current distress and support you to build a more resilient and healthy relationship.

In our modern commuting lives, there may be nothing less infuriating than traffic and congestion. No doubt, in recent years there has been a notable jump in commute times across most Canadian cities and as a result a more significant presence of “road rage”. You might be all too familiar with the trademark experiences of road rage: the honking horns, the screams from passing cars, or the casual use of the middle finger. However, we’re less likely to have ways to help deal with the stress caused by traffic and congestion.

Here are some great tips to put the brakes on road rage: 

1. Listen to audiobooks – Find and explore new subjects of interest to you that will both expand your mind as well as allow you to focus on something other than the cars around you.

2. Take Deep Breaths – This simple strategy can be quite effective in reducing stress. Try this: Get comfortable in your car seat, take in a deep breath in for four seconds, then hold this breath for seven seconds, and slowly breath out for another eight seconds. Try to relax your body as you slowly release this breath. 

3. Get out of your head and into your body –  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our heads we forget about the rest of our experiences. Try this: While paying attention to traffic get comfortable in your car seat, start to notice where your body is making contact with the car, focus on a particular sensation, try to hold your concentration on the feeling, note any distractions, and then try to move your attention back to the sensation. To deepen this exercise, include deep breaths. 

4. Be curious about the experiences of those in the cars around you – When we are face-to-face with someone, we can more easily experience empathy for others – but when they’re a car-length away, understanding can sometimes become difficult. When driving, try to imagine the lives and faces of the individuals in the cars around you. Like you, they’re bound to make mistakes. This empathy technique can help reduce feelings of anger and frustration.

5. Explore your musical tastes – Music can be an excellent way to decompress and bring feelings of happiness to commuting. However, it’s best to take notice of what type of music you’re playing. Is it aggressive or angry? It might not be the best time to explore this type of music when you’re behind the wheel. Try something more uplifting, relaxing, or neutral to keep calm and avoid anger. 

6. Take the scenic route – Though not always possible, occasionally adding a few minutes onto your commute may be worth it to avoid congestion. Sometimes an extra ten minutes down a picturesque tree-lined street is ideal in comparison to a gloomy and congested highway. 

7. Make congestion part of your decompression – This cognitive shuffle can help turnaround the way you feel about your commute home. Try looking at this period as a time you can leverage. Shift this time from being lost to instead being a valuable part of your day to disconnect, explore, or grow using some of the other strategies discussed in this article. 

These tips should help you lessen some of the effects of road rage and traffic congestion. However, if you feel like your anger still feels out of control, it might be time to seek help. Skilled clinicians at CFIR can help you understand your experiences of anger and support you to build a more resilient and healthy self. Click here to book your free consultation now.

by: Joshua Peters, M.A., R.P.

In our modern commuting lives, there may be nothing less infuriating than traffic and congestion. No doubt, in recent years there has been a notable jump in commute times across most Canadian cities and as a result a more significant presence of “road rage”. You might be all too familiar with the trademark experiences of road rage: the honking horns, the screams from passing cars, or the casual use of the middle finger. However, we’re less likely to have ways to help deal with the stress caused by traffic and congestion.

Here are some great tips to put the brakes on road rage: 

1. Listen to audiobooks – Find and explore new subjects of interest to you that will both expand your mind as well as allow you to focus on something other than the cars around you.

2. Take Deep Breaths – This simple strategy can be quite effective in reducing stress. Try this: Get comfortable in your car seat, take in a deep breath in for four seconds, then hold this breath for seven seconds, and slowly breath out for another eight seconds. Try to relax your body as you slowly release this breath. 

3. Get out of your head and into your body –  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our heads we forget about the rest of our experiences. Try this: While paying attention to traffic get comfortable in your car seat, start to notice where your body is making contact with the car, focus on a particular sensation, try to hold your concentration on the feeling, note any distractions, and then try to move your attention back to the sensation. To deepen this exercise, include deep breaths. 

4. Be curious about the experiences of those in the cars around you – When we are face-to-face with someone, we can more easily experience empathy for others – but when they’re a car-length away, understanding can sometimes become difficult. When driving, try to imagine the lives and faces of the individuals in the cars around you. Like you, they’re bound to make mistakes. This empathy technique can help reduce feelings of anger and frustration.

5. Explore your musical tastes – Music can be an excellent way to decompress and bring feelings of happiness to commuting. However, it’s best to take notice of what type of music you’re playing. Is it aggressive or angry? It might not be the best time to explore this type of music when you’re behind the wheel. Try something more uplifting, relaxing, or neutral to keep calm and avoid anger. 

6. Take the scenic route – Though not always possible, occasionally adding a few minutes onto your commute may be worth it to avoid congestion. Sometimes an extra ten minutes down a picturesque tree-lined street is ideal in comparison to a gloomy and congested highway. 

7. Make congestion part of your decompression – This cognitive shuffle can help turnaround the way you feel about your commute home. Try looking at this period as a time you can leverage. Shift this time from being lost to instead being a valuable part of your day to disconnect, explore, or grow using some of the other strategies discussed in this article. 

These tips should help you lessen some of the effects of road rage and traffic congestion. However, if you feel like your anger still feels out of control, it might be time to seek help. Skilled clinicians at CFIR can help you understand your experiences of anger and support you to build a more resilient and healthy self. Click here to book your free consultation now.

As the saying goes ‘Natural Born Leader’ women have been supporting organizations in leading roles across many diverse industries globally. 

Associate of CFIR’s Career & Workplace Service, Erin Leslie, share three essential tips all women need to apply now in their professional lives and when seeking that next level role: 

1. When looking for key roles make sure to take into account lifestyle preferences and balances that give time for you to look after yourself and your loved ones. Don’t just accept the next leadership role because it means you will have the title and responsibility. You need time to be mindful of your own needs and healthy approach to re-energizing.

2. Do you hear yourself saying “I can’t apply on that job” because you think you don’t fill 80% of the job posting criteria? Stop self-doubt now! Do you like the position description? Great! Now, look at how your past experience can contribute and build the narrative around how your experience makes you the ideal candidate for the job. 

3. Be mindful about negative energy and the impacts it has on your stress levels and body. There are times when we catch ourselves judging a project or adverse performance/outcomes without having all the facts. Remember that you never know what people are genuinely going through in their lives that would cause professional impacts on their work. Be supportive and an active listener. You may uncover some key insights to help move the situation back onto a successful pathway. 

Thank someone today for their professional services and happy International Women’s Day.

Are you ready to expand on your journey into professional leadership? Request to meet with Erin through CFIR’s Career and Workplace Service.

Did you know that Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (Toronto) opened the doors to our new, spacious office located at 790 Bay St. in June 2018? Our relocation is an exciting chapter in the story of CFIR as we continue to provide accessible and flexible mental health services for children, adolescents, adults, couples, families & groups. There are a lot of good reasons to consider coming to CFIR’s Toronto location for an appointment. Here are six that immediately come to mind:

1. Vast Clinical Experience – Psychologists at CFIR are skilled professionals ready to address the cognitive, emotional, behavioural, interpersonal and socio-cultural dimensions of your concerns. 

2. Location – 790 Bay Street is a medical office building located in the heart of downtown Toronto. CFIR is now just steps from major downtown hospitals including Women’s College Hospital, Mount Sinai Hospital, Sick Kids Hosptial. We’re also in very close proximity to College Subway Station, and buses as well as the PATH (our underground walkway through the business district). On-site and underground paid parking is available.

3. Broad and Flexible Treatment Options – We believe it is crucial for your clinician to be able to be flexible in offering a variety of scientific, evidence-based treatments to address the various facets of your concerns. No one treatment fits all, so we provide you with different possibilities.  At CFIR, we take an integrative approach to treatment, to ensure we tailor them to each client’s needs. 

4. One Stop for All Mental Health Issues – CFIR provides a wide-range of specialized services to support you:

Treatment Services:

• Adolescent Psychology
• Adoption
• Anger & Emotion Regulation
• Anxiety & Stress
• Attention Deficit & Learning Challenges
• Career & Workplace
• Child Psychology
• Couples Therapy
• Depression Mood & Grief
• Eating Weight & Body Image
• Family Psychology
• Fertility Counselling
• Forensic Treatment
• Health Psychology
• Interpersonal Relationships 
• Multicultural
• Neuropsychology
• Obsessive-Compulsive
• Personality
• Rehabilitation Psychology
• Self-Growth & Self-Esteem
• Sex Therapy
• Sexual Addiction
• Sexuality Gender & Relationship Diversity
• Substance Use
• Trauma Psychology & PTSD

Assessment Services:

• Adoption Assessment
• Alcohol & Drug Evaluation
• Attention Deficit & ADHD
• Autism Spectrum & Developmental Disorder
• Career & Vocational
• Couples & Pre-Marital
• Disability Injury & Accident
• Fertility & Third-Party Reproduction
• Forensic Assessment
• Immigration & Refugee
• Neuropsychological Assessment
• Personality & Interpersonal Functioning
• Psychodiagnosis & Mental Health
• Psychoeducation Assessment
• Trauma & Dissociation

5. Remote Support that Can Come to You – We make it easier to address your concerns by offering you a secure, confidential and private way for you to get the care that you need via our optional SecureVideo Telepsychology Service.*

6. Coverage by Most Insurance Plans – Private extended insurance plans (as well as Medavie/BlueCross (RCMP, Veterans Affairs, Canadian Armed Forces) and CUPE) provide coverage for CFIR services.  Our Psychologists are approved providers of the Canadian Interim Federal Health Program (IFHP) for Refugees.  

Clinicians at CFIR will conduct a comprehensive assessment to identify the factors that have contributed to your concerns. The assessment is followed up with a treatment plan to address your issues and provide you with a sense of the treatment duration, and what type of progress and change you can expect over time.

There you have it, six solid reasons to book your initial appointment at CFIR – Toronto today. With offices in Toronto and Ottawa, we’ll get you started on your journey towards positive change.  Click here to request your session.

*SecureVideo Telepsychology Services are only available for Ontario residents. 

by: Marcela Olavarria Turner, M.A., C.Psych. Assoc.

In recognition of World Refugee Day, we want to highlight how psychology can help and support refugees in their journey to building their lives in Canada. According to the UN Refugee Agency, as of 2016, there are 121,267 refugees and asylum seekers in Canada alone, and a sky rocking 67.75M refugees, asylum seekers, internally displaced persons, returnees, stateless and vulnerable persons worldwide. Before arriving at a receiving country, many refugees experience things such as war, violence (sexual, physical and psychological), torture, political repression, and multiple losses. They can also experience harsh conditions while transitioning to a safer place, such as more exposure to violence, separation from loved ones, uncertainty about their own and loved ones’ safety, doubt about both their future and about the outcome of their migration. 

Despite these experiences, refugees show remarkable ability to adapt and cope with such adversity. Nonetheless, once refugees have arrived in safer places such as Canada, they can still experience temporary or enduring difficulties as a result of migratory experiences and stressors related to adapting to a new social, economic and cultural environment. These difficulties might be: 

• Physical: difficulty sleeping or oversleeping, muscle tension, gastrointestinal problems, headaches, decreased or increased appetite, etc.
• Emotional: intense fear and feeling of insecurity; mood swings; irritability; overwhelming emotions; anger and sadness
• Changes in thoughts: changed sense of how you perceive yourself, the world, others, and how you relate to others; demoralization, disillusionment; helplessness and/or hopelessness;
• Changes in behaviour: restlessness; moving or speaking very slowly; withdrawal; being easily startled;  

If you can relate to the portrait painted above, know that you are not alone. There are professionals and organizations that can (and want to) help. 

Psychology can help reduce the impact of some previously noted difficulties by using proven and effective treatment strategies that respect cultural background and the strengths present in each individual. Psychological services help people heal fostering psychological coping strategies, connections through a social support system and keeping active. Therapy is a safe place to learn about and explore one’s mental health struggles while strengthening one’s capacity to adapt to challenging life events.

CFIR’s Refugee Assessment Services provide psychological and neuropsychological assessments for those individuals facing Immigration and Refugee Board (IRB) reviews. For more information, please visit our Immigration & Refugee Assessment Service page.

As a refugee, if you need additional support, consider also consulting the ‘Services for Refugee Claimants in Ottawa’ online document.