by: Joshua Peters, M.A., R.P.

Relationships have never been easy and now it seems we’re in a space and time where technology and the way we connect are continuously growing and changing. The intimacy we have with someone can mean so much, yet it seems we consistently struggle to maintain the bond. How can we know if we are “getting it right” in our partnerships?

In speaking about the complexity of our relationships, famed relationship expert, Esther Perel notes that “companionship, family, children, economic support, a best friend, a passionate lover, a trusted confidante, an intellectual equal […] we are asking from one person what an entire village once provided.” In this paradigm, it can be hard to understand when our partners and our relationships maybe failing us. 

Here are some signs that indicate your relationship may need some work:

1. Lack of Communication 

In a world bursting with ways to communicate, it may be surprising to learn that ineffective communication remains a common issue in relationships. It’s impossible for your partner to know all your needs, feelings, and thoughts without talking about them. Communication is essential in overcoming relationship wounds, and very few relationships can survive without it.

2. Arguing with No Repair

Though constant arguing can sometimes be indicative of relationship distress – unrepaired conflict may be the real culprit. Arguments, when done sympathetically, are an essential part of relationship satisfaction. Repairing from a dispute allows partners to accept each ones’ differences and re-establish their love for one another. 

3. Loss of Curiosity

We are continually growing and changing as individuals and it crucial we remember to remain curious about our partners as they grow. The experience of curiosity and surprise is one of the essential processes in maintaining long-term desire. Partners in healthy relationships are happy to explore their partner’s unique perspective of the world.

4. Mind Reading

This familiar refrain, “Look, I know you’re angry…” exposes a common misstep in many relationships. Often experienced in conjunction with a loss of curiosity, partners start assuming they are always in each other’s “bad books” even before a problem is revealed. Stay tentative about your perceived experience of your partner, especially in times of distress. You might be surprised by the difference between how they feel and how you thought the feel!

5. Loss of Priority

It can be hard to find a balance between work, children, friends, and family in today’s busy world. How you prioritize your relationship may look different to you, so it’s crucial that you discuss this with your partner. Failure to explore this in a discussion could leave your partner feeling unloved and unimportant. 

6. No Hurt – Only Anger

When we’re most distressed it may feel instinctive to get angry. Though anger is an important emotion in that it tells us something isn’t working, it isn’t usually helpful in resolving conflict. Instead, opting to express our more vulnerable and hurt emotions allows our partner to understand and ultimately care for us when necessary. 

7. Blaming your partner

It takes two to tango! Though one partner may sometimes be experiencing more distress, it’s beneficial to recognize that your relationship is co-created by both of you. Take note of how you may be contributing to the dynamic between you and your partner.

Couples experiencing any of these relationship difficulties at heightened levels may feel like they are insurmountable problems. However, exploring these issues can provide a needed check-in for your relationship. Moreover, what you discover can inspire you and your partner to reimage what your relationship could become. Couples therapy offers an excellent opportunity to explore these struggles and move towards growth. The skilled clinicians at CFIR can help you and your partner better understands your current distress and support you to build a more resilient and healthy relationship.

In our modern commuting lives, there may be nothing less infuriating than traffic and congestion. No doubt, in recent years there has been a notable jump in commute times across most Canadian cities and as a result a more significant presence of “road rage”. You might be all too familiar with the trademark experiences of road rage: the honking horns, the screams from passing cars, or the casual use of the middle finger. However, we’re less likely to have ways to help deal with the stress caused by traffic and congestion.

Here are some great tips to put the brakes on road rage: 

1. Listen to audiobooks – Find and explore new subjects of interest to you that will both expand your mind as well as allow you to focus on something other than the cars around you.

2. Take Deep Breaths – This simple strategy can be quite effective in reducing stress. Try this: Get comfortable in your car seat, take in a deep breath in for four seconds, then hold this breath for seven seconds, and slowly breath out for another eight seconds. Try to relax your body as you slowly release this breath. 

3. Get out of your head and into your body –  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our heads we forget about the rest of our experiences. Try this: While paying attention to traffic get comfortable in your car seat, start to notice where your body is making contact with the car, focus on a particular sensation, try to hold your concentration on the feeling, note any distractions, and then try to move your attention back to the sensation. To deepen this exercise, include deep breaths. 

4. Be curious about the experiences of those in the cars around you – When we are face-to-face with someone, we can more easily experience empathy for others – but when they’re a car-length away, understanding can sometimes become difficult. When driving, try to imagine the lives and faces of the individuals in the cars around you. Like you, they’re bound to make mistakes. This empathy technique can help reduce feelings of anger and frustration.

5. Explore your musical tastes – Music can be an excellent way to decompress and bring feelings of happiness to commuting. However, it’s best to take notice of what type of music you’re playing. Is it aggressive or angry? It might not be the best time to explore this type of music when you’re behind the wheel. Try something more uplifting, relaxing, or neutral to keep calm and avoid anger. 

6. Take the scenic route – Though not always possible, occasionally adding a few minutes onto your commute may be worth it to avoid congestion. Sometimes an extra ten minutes down a picturesque tree-lined street is ideal in comparison to a gloomy and congested highway. 

7. Make congestion part of your decompression – This cognitive shuffle can help turnaround the way you feel about your commute home. Try looking at this period as a time you can leverage. Shift this time from being lost to instead being a valuable part of your day to disconnect, explore, or grow using some of the other strategies discussed in this article. 

These tips should help you lessen some of the effects of road rage and traffic congestion. However, if you feel like your anger still feels out of control, it might be time to seek help. Skilled clinicians at CFIR can help you understand your experiences of anger and support you to build a more resilient and healthy self. Click here to book your free consultation now.

by: Joshua Peters, M.A., R.P.

In our modern commuting lives, there may be nothing less infuriating than traffic and congestion. No doubt, in recent years there has been a notable jump in commute times across most Canadian cities and as a result a more significant presence of “road rage”. You might be all too familiar with the trademark experiences of road rage: the honking horns, the screams from passing cars, or the casual use of the middle finger. However, we’re less likely to have ways to help deal with the stress caused by traffic and congestion.

Here are some great tips to put the brakes on road rage: 

1. Listen to audiobooks – Find and explore new subjects of interest to you that will both expand your mind as well as allow you to focus on something other than the cars around you.

2. Take Deep Breaths – This simple strategy can be quite effective in reducing stress. Try this: Get comfortable in your car seat, take in a deep breath in for four seconds, then hold this breath for seven seconds, and slowly breath out for another eight seconds. Try to relax your body as you slowly release this breath. 

3. Get out of your head and into your body –  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our heads we forget about the rest of our experiences. Try this: While paying attention to traffic get comfortable in your car seat, start to notice where your body is making contact with the car, focus on a particular sensation, try to hold your concentration on the feeling, note any distractions, and then try to move your attention back to the sensation. To deepen this exercise, include deep breaths. 

4. Be curious about the experiences of those in the cars around you – When we are face-to-face with someone, we can more easily experience empathy for others – but when they’re a car-length away, understanding can sometimes become difficult. When driving, try to imagine the lives and faces of the individuals in the cars around you. Like you, they’re bound to make mistakes. This empathy technique can help reduce feelings of anger and frustration.

5. Explore your musical tastes – Music can be an excellent way to decompress and bring feelings of happiness to commuting. However, it’s best to take notice of what type of music you’re playing. Is it aggressive or angry? It might not be the best time to explore this type of music when you’re behind the wheel. Try something more uplifting, relaxing, or neutral to keep calm and avoid anger. 

6. Take the scenic route – Though not always possible, occasionally adding a few minutes onto your commute may be worth it to avoid congestion. Sometimes an extra ten minutes down a picturesque tree-lined street is ideal in comparison to a gloomy and congested highway. 

7. Make congestion part of your decompression – This cognitive shuffle can help turnaround the way you feel about your commute home. Try looking at this period as a time you can leverage. Shift this time from being lost to instead being a valuable part of your day to disconnect, explore, or grow using some of the other strategies discussed in this article. 

These tips should help you lessen some of the effects of road rage and traffic congestion. However, if you feel like your anger still feels out of control, it might be time to seek help. Skilled clinicians at CFIR can help you understand your experiences of anger and support you to build a more resilient and healthy self. Click here to book your free consultation now.

As the saying goes ‘Natural Born Leader’ women have been supporting organizations in leading roles across many diverse industries globally. 

Associate of CFIR’s Career & Workplace Service, Erin Leslie, share three essential tips all women need to apply now in their professional lives and when seeking that next level role: 

1. When looking for key roles make sure to take into account lifestyle preferences and balances that give time for you to look after yourself and your loved ones. Don’t just accept the next leadership role because it means you will have the title and responsibility. You need time to be mindful of your own needs and healthy approach to re-energizing.

2. Do you hear yourself saying “I can’t apply on that job” because you think you don’t fill 80% of the job posting criteria? Stop self-doubt now! Do you like the position description? Great! Now, look at how your past experience can contribute and build the narrative around how your experience makes you the ideal candidate for the job. 

3. Be mindful about negative energy and the impacts it has on your stress levels and body. There are times when we catch ourselves judging a project or adverse performance/outcomes without having all the facts. Remember that you never know what people are genuinely going through in their lives that would cause professional impacts on their work. Be supportive and an active listener. You may uncover some key insights to help move the situation back onto a successful pathway. 

Thank someone today for their professional services and happy International Women’s Day.

Are you ready to expand on your journey into professional leadership? Request to meet with Erin through CFIR’s Career and Workplace Service.

Did you know that Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (Toronto) opened the doors to our new, spacious office located at 790 Bay St. in June 2018? Our relocation is an exciting chapter in the story of CFIR as we continue to provide accessible and flexible mental health services for children, adolescents, adults, couples, families & groups. There are a lot of good reasons to consider coming to CFIR’s Toronto location for an appointment. Here are six that immediately come to mind:

1. Vast Clinical Experience – Psychologists at CFIR are skilled professionals ready to address the cognitive, emotional, behavioural, interpersonal and socio-cultural dimensions of your concerns. 

2. Location – 790 Bay Street is a medical office building located in the heart of downtown Toronto. CFIR is now just steps from major downtown hospitals including Women’s College Hospital, Mount Sinai Hospital, Sick Kids Hosptial. We’re also in very close proximity to College Subway Station, and buses as well as the PATH (our underground walkway through the business district). On-site and underground paid parking is available.

3. Broad and Flexible Treatment Options – We believe it is crucial for your clinician to be able to be flexible in offering a variety of scientific, evidence-based treatments to address the various facets of your concerns. No one treatment fits all, so we provide you with different possibilities.  At CFIR, we take an integrative approach to treatment, to ensure we tailor them to each client’s needs. 

4. One Stop for All Mental Health Issues – CFIR provides a wide-range of specialized services to support you:

Treatment Services:

• Adolescent Psychology
• Adoption
• Anger & Emotion Regulation
• Anxiety & Stress
• Attention Deficit & Learning Challenges
• Career & Workplace
• Child Psychology
• Couples Therapy
• Depression Mood & Grief
• Eating Weight & Body Image
• Family Psychology
• Fertility Counselling
• Forensic Treatment
• Health Psychology
• Interpersonal Relationships 
• Multicultural
• Neuropsychology
• Obsessive-Compulsive
• Personality
• Rehabilitation Psychology
• Self-Growth & Self-Esteem
• Sex Therapy
• Sexual Addiction
• Sexuality Gender & Relationship Diversity
• Substance Use
• Trauma Psychology & PTSD

Assessment Services:

• Adoption Assessment
• Alcohol & Drug Evaluation
• Attention Deficit & ADHD
• Autism Spectrum & Developmental Disorder
• Career & Vocational
• Couples & Pre-Marital
• Disability Injury & Accident
• Fertility & Third-Party Reproduction
• Forensic Assessment
• Immigration & Refugee
• Neuropsychological Assessment
• Personality & Interpersonal Functioning
• Psychodiagnosis & Mental Health
• Psychoeducation Assessment
• Trauma & Dissociation

5. Remote Support that Can Come to You – We make it easier to address your concerns by offering you a secure, confidential and private way for you to get the care that you need via our optional SecureVideo Telepsychology Service.*

6. Coverage by Most Insurance Plans – Private extended insurance plans (as well as Medavie/BlueCross (RCMP, Veterans Affairs, Canadian Armed Forces) and CUPE) provide coverage for CFIR services.  Our Psychologists are approved providers of the Canadian Interim Federal Health Program (IFHP) for Refugees.  

Clinicians at CFIR will conduct a comprehensive assessment to identify the factors that have contributed to your concerns. The assessment is followed up with a treatment plan to address your issues and provide you with a sense of the treatment duration, and what type of progress and change you can expect over time.

There you have it, six solid reasons to book your initial appointment at CFIR – Toronto today. With offices in Toronto and Ottawa, we’ll get you started on your journey towards positive change.  Click here to request your session.

*SecureVideo Telepsychology Services are only available for Ontario residents. 

by: Marcela Olavarria Turner, M.A., C.Psych. Assoc.

In recognition of World Refugee Day, we want to highlight how psychology can help and support refugees in their journey to building their lives in Canada. According to the UN Refugee Agency, as of 2016, there are 121,267 refugees and asylum seekers in Canada alone, and a sky rocking 67.75M refugees, asylum seekers, internally displaced persons, returnees, stateless and vulnerable persons worldwide. Before arriving at a receiving country, many refugees experience things such as war, violence (sexual, physical and psychological), torture, political repression, and multiple losses. They can also experience harsh conditions while transitioning to a safer place, such as more exposure to violence, separation from loved ones, uncertainty about their own and loved ones’ safety, doubt about both their future and about the outcome of their migration. 

Despite these experiences, refugees show remarkable ability to adapt and cope with such adversity. Nonetheless, once refugees have arrived in safer places such as Canada, they can still experience temporary or enduring difficulties as a result of migratory experiences and stressors related to adapting to a new social, economic and cultural environment. These difficulties might be: 

• Physical: difficulty sleeping or oversleeping, muscle tension, gastrointestinal problems, headaches, decreased or increased appetite, etc.
• Emotional: intense fear and feeling of insecurity; mood swings; irritability; overwhelming emotions; anger and sadness
• Changes in thoughts: changed sense of how you perceive yourself, the world, others, and how you relate to others; demoralization, disillusionment; helplessness and/or hopelessness;
• Changes in behaviour: restlessness; moving or speaking very slowly; withdrawal; being easily startled;  

If you can relate to the portrait painted above, know that you are not alone. There are professionals and organizations that can (and want to) help. 

Psychology can help reduce the impact of some previously noted difficulties by using proven and effective treatment strategies that respect cultural background and the strengths present in each individual. Psychological services help people heal fostering psychological coping strategies, connections through a social support system and keeping active. Therapy is a safe place to learn about and explore one’s mental health struggles while strengthening one’s capacity to adapt to challenging life events.

CFIR’s Refugee Assessment Services provide psychological and neuropsychological assessments for those individuals facing Immigration and Refugee Board (IRB) reviews. For more information, please visit our Immigration & Refugee Assessment Service page.

As a refugee, if you need additional support, consider also consulting the ‘Services for Refugee Claimants in Ottawa’ online document.

At Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR), we believe it is important for your clinician to be flexible in offering a variety of scientific, evidence-based treatments to address the cognitive, emotional, behavioural and relational aspects of your concerns. Providing you with different possibilities for change is fundamental to us because we know that no one treatment fits all!

Different treatments focus on various aspects of your concerns, including behaviours, cognitions, emotions, perceptions, and relationships. We’ve compiled a list of a few scientific, evidence-based psychological treatments available at CFIR along with the focus of the treatment approach:

Acceptance and Commitment, Compassion & Mindfulness-based therapies (ACT, MBSR)

Acceptance and Commitment, Compassion & Mindfulness-based therapies (ACT, MBSR) are forms of psychotherapy that support an individual to learn how to observe, be less reactive, accept and be non-judgmental of internal thoughts or emotional reactions. ACT helps you to act from core values as opposed to being entangled in the thoughts and emotional responses that are at the root of your concerns. Developing a more compassionate outlook towards your self is also essential for remediation of various mental health concerns. Treatment focuses on developing the capacity to observe, adopt a non-judgmental stance toward thoughts and feelings, and diminish reactivity while anchoring the self in core values to promote clarity in thinking and action.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT)

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a form of psychotherapy that addresses psychological issues by focusing primarily on the cognitive and behavioural dimensions of your emotional and behavioural concerns (i.e., the way that your thoughts, beliefs or thinking influences your emotional and behavioural responses). CBT also focuses on problem-solving, finding solutions, improving coping, helping you to challenge distorted cognitions (e.g., thoughts, beliefs) and change problematic behaviours. Your emotional or behavioural responses transform through exposure to specific situations, cues, narratives or places that trigger distress and maladaptive responses. Homework is often assigned.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a form of treatment that came to be from a context of treating patients to deal with and process distressing memories of past traumatic experiences. It’s currently used to treat a broader range of psychological issues. Treatment involves visual or auditory bilateral stimulation with a primary focus on the integration of distressing aspects of past, and present experiences and increasing adaptation and resilience by building inner resources to address these experiences.

Motivational Interviewing 

Motivational interviewing is a form of counseling that helps individuals achieve changes by increasing their motivation to change difficult behaviours. Treatment targets ambivalences about changing, and becoming increasingly aware of the problems, consequences, and risks of these behaviours. Motivation is increased to create a better future consistent with an individual’s values and principles.

Psychodynamic, Attachment-based, Mentalization therapies 

Psychodynamic, attachment-based, mentalization therapies focus on how past and current relationship experiences have influenced a person’s present patterns (i.e., thoughts, thinking about self and other, emotional reactions toward self and others, and behaviours) and relationships. Psychoanalytic-oriented approaches have a rich, historical tradition beginning with Freud and Jung to present-day scientifically validated psychodynamic approaches. The goals of psychodynamic-mentalization and attachment-based therapies are to increase an individual’s self-awareness about these patterns to promote change in the present-day. 

Concerns flow from internal conflicts, dynamics, and patterns that create difficulties for our self and block us from building meaningful lives and relationships. Defenses and self-protective strategies that prevent access to earlier emotionally overwhelming experiences are diminished over time to promote more adaptive functioning, self-growth, and change. Treatment focuses on cognition, emotion, and interpersonal dimensions of your difficulties. Your interpersonal relationships, both with your therapist and others, are explored to understand and change how one experiences oneself and relates to others in interpersonal relationships. These approaches tend to focus on the self and relational issues underlying your symptoms and distress, as opposed to targeting symptoms directly.

Systemic therapy 

Systemic therapy is a form of psychotherapy that understands problems evolving in interactions and interaction patterns with other individuals and systems. Treatment focuses on the impact of your couple partner, children, family, work and socio-cultural system on your self and your relationship with others.

Clinicians at CFIR can help you or someone you care about address the concerns, issues or struggles that life may occasionally present. 

Most private extended insurance plans, as well as Medavie/BlueCross (RCMP, Veterans Affairs, Canadian Armed Forces) and CUPE, cover CFIR services. 

Contact us today. Help is available right now for you and your loved ones! We also offer video-based appointments.

by: Dr. Ainslie Heasman, C.Psych.

The classified advertising site, Backpages.com, was recently shut down by the United States government, thereby making it inaccessible in Canada as well.  The website, which hosted everything from child care to real estate ads, was recently suspended by U.S. law enforcement due to activity stemming from the “adult” sections on the site.

Many essential political and societal discussions have transpired following the decision to close the site, including debates about whether the intention to prevent sex trafficking will benefit from this action.  

Amid these discussions, some of my clients who use the internet to access sex services, and who identify as having problems regulating their sexual behaviour feel a sense of relief.  Some are experiencing an unexpected external control over their response, albeit temporary, now that Backpages.com is no longer accessible.

What is hypersexuality?

Problematic sexual behavior is referred to using a variety of labels – from sex addiction to compulsive or impulsive sexual behaviour to hypersexuality.  Societally, this is commonly labeled as sex addiction, but there remains little scientific evidence to support sex as an addiction.  There is also some suggestion that perceived addiction to pornography can contribute more to psychological distress than pornography use itself (Grubbs, Volk, Exline, & Pargament, 2013).  

Many of my clients seek out therapy for problems managing their sexual behaviours, sexual interests or both. Regardless of the label, many men (and it is mostly men that seek treatment for this in my practice) are struggling with a variety of sexual behaviours, from anonymous sexual encounters to frequent masturbation and pornography use.  Some men also experience distress related to the content of their sexual thoughts, or pornography use (versus the frequency of their sexual behavior).  In other words, they experience a sexual interest that is atypical or less common; the inclination could turn illegal if acted upon and/or it contributes to significant moral distress.  

Assessment 

Research has been conducted to identify the characteristics of individuals who seek out help for hypersexuality, along with related treatment targets (Cantor et al., 2013; Sutton, Stratton, Pytyck, Kolla, & Cantor, 2014). The paths leading people to engage in hypersexual behaviour are varied and beyond the scope of this current blog, but there are more common ones I see in my clients.  Clients often use sexual behaviour as a way of procrastinating, avoiding, and escaping stressors.  Many of my clients struggle with identifying, labeling, and expressing their emotional experiences (preferring instead to ignore and suppress). This is even more common with emotions experienced as being more challenging to manage (i.e., frustration, anxiety, anger, disappointment), and they seek out a distraction, and a way of temporary escape, through sexual behaviour.  

Other clients have varied sexual interests that are explored through pornography or sexual activity with another, that they may not feel comfortable talking about or exploring in their partnered relationship.  At times there is a mismatch in sexual drive or interests in a relationship, but what is often apparent is a lack of healthy communication between partners about their needs and experiences in their sexual relationship. 

What is essential when seeking support is finding a mental health clinician who will engage in a detailed assessment to understand the nature of the problem and the contributing factors.  It is also essential to determine if there are other mental health concerns (i.e., depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder to name a few) that are influencing the behaviour and also require intervention.  There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to treating individuals who struggle with sexual behaviour. As a result, an assessment helps to determine the most relevant treatment targets to assist those seeking help to achieve their goals. 

Treatment 

A therapist assists clients in understanding the origins and development of their behaviour.  Clients are offered support through their journey to develop and refine skills to live a life that is more in line with their values.  This path is often challenging and filled with a range of emotions, and mistakes and a return to old patterns may occur.  With the guidance of a therapist, these challenges can be navigated and explored in a safe and supportive environment. The client can take steps they feel are necessary to define and live a more fulfilling and value driven life.

Often when a man is in a partnered relationship, couples therapy is recommended, mainly when the sexual behaviour of concern involved infidelity.  In these situations, the sexual behaviour that occurred happened in the context, and with all the relevant dynamics, of a relationship.  If the couple desires to remain together, at the very least, the rebuilding of trust occurs again in the context of the couple.  With that in mind, many men still seek out therapy on their own, either at the insistence of their partner or without their partners’ knowledge that there is a problem.  

If you can identify with these struggles, there is help and support.  Individual and couples therapy is available at the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (CFIR).

References

Cantor, J., Klein, C., Lykins, A., Rullo, J., Thaler, L., & Walling, B. (2013). A treatment-oriented typology of self-identified hypersexuality referrals. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 42. 10.1007/s10508-013-0085-1.

Grubbs, J., Volk, F., & Exline, J., & Pargament, K. (2013). Internet pornography use: Perceived addiction, psychological distress, and the validation of a brief measure. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 41. 10.1080/0092623X.2013.842192.

Sutton, K., Stratton, N., Pytyck, J., Kolla, N., & Cantor, J. (2014). Patient characteristics by type of hypersexuality referral: A quantitative chart review of 115 consecutive male cases. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 41. 10.1080/0092623X.2014.935539.

There are many reasons why an individual or couple may choose to seek support related to fertility.

The Fertility Counselling Service is just one of 18 integrative treatment services offered through Centre for Interpersonal Relationships. A highly trained mental health professional in CFIR’s Fertility Counselling Treatment Service can support you and/or your loved one with fertility-related concerns or to prepare for assisted reproductive procedures. The service provides psychosocial support to women and men dealing with including:

– difficulties conceiving – managing assisted reproduction – miscarriage – pregnancy termination – prenatal & perinatal care;

– postpartum depression – selective reduction – stillbirth, and  – traumatic birthing experiences

Learn more via one or more of the posts below or click here for an overview of the Fertility Counselling Treatment Service: 

• Helping You with Prenatal Care
• How We Help You Prepare for Fertility Treatments
• Helping You to Cope with Postpartum Depression
• Support for Perinatal Issues (including traumatic birthing experiences & stillbirth)
• You Don’t Need to Be Alone Through Pregnancy Termination
• Support in the Aftermath of a Miscarriage
• How We Support You Through A Fertility-Related Distress 

Services offered through CFIR are covered by most private extended insurance plans as well as Medavie/BlueCross (RCMP, Veterans Affairs, Canadian Armed Forces) and CUPE. We also offer accessible low fee psychological treatment & assessment services. Contact us today to find out more.

by: Kamala Pilgrim, Ph.D.,C. Psych (Interim Autonomous Practice)

Mindful compassion is a concept that has garnered increasing attention in the scientific community especially over the last two decades. It is taken from the Eastern spiritual traditions of Buddhism and Hinduism and in recent years, research demonstrating the benefits of the practice for mental health have fuelled efforts to discover the mechanisms through which it exerts positive outcomes.

The practice can be broken down into two integral components: Mindfulness and compassion.

Mindfulness is defined as an openness to and acceptance of all that is occurring in the present moment, without judgment or over-identification with our experience including our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, urges, and actions (Gilbert & Choden, 2014; Kabatt-Zinn, 2012; Neff, 2011).

Compassion has been described as the ability to adopt a supportive attitude toward ourselves. It also involves taking courageous, wise, and healthy action to promote care for ourselves and/or of others.

Why mindfulness and compassion combined are important?

The practice of mindfulness stabilizes the mind so that we can step back and bring awareness to patterns that are not serving us well. Compassion fosters the kindness and understanding needed to sustain and commit to really seeing what is happening and to take committed action (Gilbert & Choden, 2014).

Through the practice of mindful compassion we strive to recognize our common humanity by accepting that we all make mistakes, stumble, fall, get up again, and sometimes triumph; we start to see that we are all average in many ways and unique in others (Neff, 2011). We stop dwelling on labelling ourselves as sometimes bad and on other occasions, good; we make efforts to embrace the full range of what it means to be a human and approach ourselves as we would a close friend, child, or other family member we love. 

This attitude is not carried out in a “fluffy” or self-indulgent way; rather when we observe our thoughts, emotions, behaviours, motivations, and intentions in a caring framework, we paradoxically become more open to doing something differently; we become willing to make necessary changes because we clearly see how we may be perpetuating our own pain and/or that of others.

Mindful compassion does not make us a pushover either; in fact, fully observing what is happening in our lives aids us in understanding how the behaviours of others may be impacting us in harmful ways and can help us in making the decisions necessary to foster growth and healing for ourselves, and perhaps for the other as well. There are times when mindful compassion can help you respond quickly and efficiently to ensure your safety as you develop a deeper ability to observe everything going on in the environment for what it is and not for what you may want it to be. 

By considering everything we observe in ourselves as different aspects of what it means to be a human being we can become less self-critical with time. We can understand that there are basic needs that underlie our initial or habitual reactions and we can strive to take action to attain what we’re really looking for at our core.

To summarize, I like to envision mindful compassion in the following way, based on Buddhist and Hindu perspectives:

The mind is like the seed of a lotus flower buried deep in the shallow, warm, and still waters of a pond.

Our basic emotions such as, rage, lust, despair, and fear, as well as our drives for freedom, dominance, protection, belonging, and connection, are akin to the mud that covers the seed of the mind. 

Compassion is the sunlight the seed absorbs; the resulting roots are the elements of mindfulness that create a firm foundation of non-judgemental awareness, settling deep into the earth so that the stem can navigate up and through the dark environment to the surface where the lotus of greater wisdom and clarity can manifest.

Here are four ways you can begin to shine the warm, rejuvenating sunlight of mindful compassion in your own life:

1. Discover patterns

Start to bring some gentle awareness to the automatic thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, urges, and behaviours you have in response to various situations such as:

• When you look in the mirror?
• When you experience a setback?
• When you say something you didn’t mean?
• When you make a mistake?
• When you argue with someone close to you?

Simply practice noticing without judging. 

2. Practice expansion and self-soothing speech 

When you observe a painful thought or feeling, practice pausing before reacting as you normally might. Notice where you experience any disturbing emotions in your body. If you are anxious or afraid you may notice a tightness in your chest and/or butterflies in your stomach. When you are angry you may feel your jaw clenching. Breathe into and around the region(s) to give the feeling more space. As you do this, say something nurturing to yourself such as:

• “I know this is hard for you right now.”
• “This feeling is distressing but it will pass in time; may I give myself the understanding I need right now, may I take good care of myself in this moment.”

3. Understand your needs

Sometimes we assume that our knee jerk reactions are true reflections of what we actually require.  Mindful compassion can help you pause with these initial experiences long enough to discover what underlies them. For example:

• Arriving home from work you may suddenly feel overwhelmed with a feeling of sadness and anger when you see the kitchen sink filled up with the morning’s breakfast dishes. You may notice yourself begin to criticize yourself or others for not cleaning up immediately after eating. If you practice taking a moment to pause before reacting, to observe these feelings from a non-judgemental, loving and supportive frame of mind and heart space, you may discover that you are actually exhausted and just need to take a few minutes to relax on your own before interacting with others or starting in on your evening routine.

Though you won’t always be able to get exactly what you need in the timing or in the form you would like, you can still respond to yourself kindly, see if you can take small steps toward providing yourself with what you really need, and/or consider asking someone to help you. Sometimes just taking these few brief moments to recognize and validate your feelings is enough. 

4. Set aside time for a loving kindness meditation

Find a few minutes in your daily schedule to try the following:

• Sit in a comfortable, but alert position
• Close your eyes
• Notice the rise and fall of your belly, diaphragm, and chest as you breathe in and out naturally several times without trying to control your respiration in any way
• Visualize someone you love, respect, and care for
• Imagine sending them your love and appreciation
• Next, see yourself in your minds’ eye and practice surrounding yourself with the same feelings

This is by no means an exhaustive list about how to foster mindful compassion; There are many contextual factors, including our societal and cultural perspectives and early life experiences which strongly shape our sense of self, our perceptions of others, our views of and how we operate within the world, which each in turn affect our capacities for mindful compassion and our mental health and well-being overall. 

Mental health professionals at CFIR can help you learn about and practice mindful compassion. Please don’t hesitate to contact us to inquire more and to begin or continue on your journey toward making yourself and your mental health a priority. 

For more information please see the following sources:

Gilbert, P. & Choden. (2014). Mindful Compassion: How the science of compassion can help you understand your emotions, live in the present, and connect deeply with others. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston, MA: Trumpeter.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2012). Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the present moment – and your life. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York: William Morrow.