Regulation refers to how we manage emotions and employ behaviours in the pursuit of goals, wellness, and sense of safety (Paley & Hajal, 2022). How we regulate may be in our conscious awareness or not, and can impact overall wellbeing, relationships, and decision making. There are more or less healthy ways to regulate and, like all ways of coping, none are by default categorically adaptive or not (Eisenstadt, Liverpool, Infanti, Ciuvat, & Carlsson, 2021). Sometimes, avoiding a stressor is the healthiest thing to do (for example, spotting a bear in a forest). Others, avoiding can further exacerbate distress (for example, not discussing a problem that’s been gnawing away at you at work). It really depends on the circumstance.
Healthy functioning involves the ability to effectively self-regulate and co-regulate in order to have a sense of self-efficacy, navigate life’s stressful events, and maintain (intimate) relationships (Panayiotou, Panteli, & Leonidou, 2021). What do these two terms mean?
Self-regulation refers to what we do to exert control over our emotions or behaviours on our own (Rosanbalm & Murray, 2017). Some healthier forms of self-regulation can include crying, exercising, sleeping, journaling, intentional breathing, and connecting with nature. Some less healthy forms of self-regulation can include impulsive spending, consumption of drugs, overeating, and skin picking.
Co-regulation refers to what we do to exert control over our emotions or behaviours with another (Rosanbalm & Murray, 2017). Some examples of healthier co-regulation can include venting to a friend, speaking with a therapist, participating in a group yoga class, cuddling a partner, and even petting your pet.
You might be wondering, what does a healthy balance of self- and co-regulation look like for me?
As with most things in life, context is important. When I meet with clients, I am careful to explore whether efforts to regulate are coming from a healthy place or not (e.g., reflect their values, who they want to be, secure attachment (see my previous Blog on Attachment); whether there may be avoidance of a deeper problem; or when they may be causing themselves harm. That said, an overreliance on self-regulation may look like self-isolation or shutting out a partner. Unhealthy co-regulation may look like an overreliance on others for validation or advice, risky sexual behaviours, or explosive conflicts.
It is also important to me to understand the origin story of these self- and co-regulating efforts. Where might you have learned to regulate the way you do? How has this served you, even initially, in the past? How is this way of being not serving you now?
For those struggling with achieving an effective balance between the two, there is help. As a clinical psychologist, I ultimately try to help clients determine an optimal balance between self- and co-regulation. Together we can identify more effective regulating strategies that, through practice, eventually become habits toward a more fulfilling lifestyle.
References
Eisenstadt, M., Liverpool, S., Infanti, E., Ciuvat, R. M., & Carlsson, C. (2021). Mobile apps that promote emotion regulation, positive mental health, and well-being in the general population: Systematic review and meta-analysis. JMIR Mental Health, 8(11), doi:10.2196/31170
Paley, B., & Hajal, N.J. (2022). Conceptualizing emotion regulation and coregulation as family-level phenomena. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 25, 19–43. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4
Panayiotou, G., Panteli, M., & Leonidou, C. (2021). Coping with the invisible enemy: The role of emotion regulation and awareness in quality of life during the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 19, 17-27. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.11.002
Rosanbalm, K. D., & Murray, D. W. (2017). Caregiver co-regulation across development: A practice brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services.
Dr. Sara Antunes-Alves, C.Psych. is a psychologist in private practice who particularly enjoys working with individuals struggling with their sense of self, interpersonal relationships, and emotion regulation – especially as they are impacted by complex attachment-related trauma and family of origin issues. As a keen scientist-practitioner, she is passionate about research, and has published and served on review boards in the areas of psychopathology, its impact on functioning, and the ingredients of effective therapy. Prior to entering private practice full time, she enjoyed running a mental health program for at-risk students and serving as Adjunct Research Professor in Psychology at Carleton University, where she conducted assessments, psychotherapy, supervision, and outcome-based research on the efficacy of mental health programs. At CFIR, she also supports the professional development of psychologists-in-training by providing clinical supervision.
