as written and posted by Sue McGarvie, M.A., on sexwithsue.com

Everyone wants to feel wanted. In fact, I would even say it’s a basic need of sex to be desired by your partner. For women, it’s especially important. Many women who can feel arousal (but not desire) meaning their bodies can be turned on but they aren’t emotional feeling into sex is common phenomenon. They need to be convinced or get their sexual energy from someone else. As Psychology Today reports recently, “Most women, for instance, have a strong wish to feel sexually desired. Men also like to be desired, of course. But among the women I see in my office, it’s often much more of a “thing.”

Many women say they don’t feel any spontaneous desire for sex unless it’s stimulated by someone desiring them. As sex therapists, we would say their desire is purely “responsive.” Many women report that feeling desired is what turns them on the most.

Heterosexual human mating tends to be like traditional couples’ dancing. She needs him to ask her to dance. The dancing itself might be nice, but even more important is that he showed initiative and wanted to dance with her. 70% of men are different. They may enjoy it if their partner passionately wants to have sex with them, but they don’t particularly need to feel desired in order to get turned on. Their desire is more “spontaneous.”

But what about the 30% of men that do need their partners to express great desire in order to be turned on? I see men in my office every week who need explicit desire by their partners to get aroused.

A man like this is almost always brought to my office by his unhappy wife, who complains that he rarely, if ever, initiates sex—thus depriving her of the chance to feel turned on by his passion for her. And she’s bone tired of initiating.

He will tell me privately, that he wants her to start sex or he can’t get his mojo going.

“A heterosexual guy whose principal turn-on is to be desired finds himself in more difficult territory. Very few women are interested in consistently being the initiator.

A man like this usually learns to keep his responsive desire a secret. If he tries to explain it to a female partner, often the concept will be so foreign to her that she’ll have no idea what he’s talking about.”

It’s a challenge. 50 Shades of Grey sold millions of copies because it appealed to the very common female fantasy of being “taken”. The desire to be dominated safely is by far the most popular sexual model with women. And men who are responsive (are often the more thinking guys) feel frustrated and voiceless.

So, what do you do to solve this? It starts with communication, acceptance and negotiation. And an understanding that sex isn’t “supposed to be a certain way”. Women have been chased around the school yard by boys wanting to pull their pigtails and we expect “handsy” men. It’s certainly not what we always want (nor is it appropriate outside of consenting adults), but it’s what we expect from men. Understanding that sex is play – adult play- and not always about pounding intercourse helps get this message through. As do signals (pull an earlobe or drop a secret word) to indicate interest so that neither one is being pushed away helps with the shutdown of rejection of a partner who can’t figure out what you need to be turned on. And learning that your expectations of sex might be getting in the way.

I teach a monthly “School of Sex” series done with humour, inclusion and fantastic speakers. It allows people to sit in the back row and listen to how other people in their community think about sex – without social conventions and limiting beliefs. Really hear what turns on the men and women that live in your neighbourhood can be powerfully healing to someone who feels sexually inhibited. It’s liberating for many people not to feel alone in how they feel sexually.

And as the author of the study succinctly summarizes: If you’re a woman in a relationship with a man who doesn’t initiate sex as much as you’d like, you may want to keep in mind the possibility that he might need the same thing you do.

Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Service.

by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.

We all have a personality. Our personality is shaped by a wide range of factors, including genetic, psychological, and environmental. Some individuals develop personalities that will allow them to have a good sense of self and have healthy relationships with others. These individuals experience an overall positive sense of self (i.e., healthy self-esteem, positive sense of lovability, worth and competence, and the capacity for healthy self-reliance and autonomy) and are able to create healthy interpersonal relationships at home and work. A solid and overall positive sense of self and others allows us to tolerate uncertainties, ambiguity, and aloneness in relationships and in life in general. It makes us more confident to direct our lives in a meaningful, purposeful, and authentic manner. 

These individuals also tend to be flexible in how they think and emotionally react to themselves and others. This allows for adaptation particularly in difficult and stressful life moments. These individuals may also have greater capacities to self-soothe when emotionally distressed, yet also be comfortable reaching for others when efforts to assuage his or her distress fail. They will also be able to identify, label, and assert authentic feelings, emotions, and needs in relationships while empathizing and connecting to the feelings, emotions, and needs of others. The capacity to reflect on and empathize with one’s self and others (e.g., intentions, motivations, feelings, emotions, needs and desires) is also essential to develop a healthy sense of self and others, and essential to create healthy interpersonal relationships. These capacities allow us to appropriately adapt our self to others and our environment as opposed to acting too hastily on our own thoughts, feelings, and needs. These capacities also allow us to assert our authentic selves and respond to others’ authentic selves. Maintaining an open, present, curious stance about one’s own and others’ intentions and motivations also allows for greater reflection and more time to observe reality, as opposed to jumping to conclusions about our selves or others. Being present-focused and non-defensive is most important in developing healthy interpersonal relationships.

Due to complex factors, including such circumstances as emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse, and experiences of neglect, some individuals will develop an overall negative sense of self and overall negative sense of others. They will further experience a wide range of problems, including rigid, inflexible negative thinking or beliefs about themselves or others. Rigid, negative thinking about our self and others can create serious emotional distress and challenges in managing our emotions (e.g., intense emotional outbursts, moments of deep hopelessness and despair, depression and anxiety, chronic emptiness, withdrawal or detachment from others). These individuals further struggle with maintaining a sense of their own and others’ boundaries. Some individuals will engage in self-sabotaging and self-injurious behaviours, and express suicidal tendencies to deal with intense feelings and impulses.

Individuals experiencing personality and interpersonal difficulties also report an unstable sense of self and others in relationships. They may experience over-sensitivity to rejection, abandonment, and punishment. An overly negative or overly inflated sense of self and others may also be evident. An unclear or altering sense of self, identity, values, and principles may further contribute to emotional distress. Relationships may be difficult as a result of an inability to tolerate aloneness, an over-dependency on others or hyper-self reliance, or ongoing emotional chaos, conflict, or avoidance in interpersonal relationships. These relationship difficulties create interpersonal chaos and create difficulties sustaining long-term relationships. Finally, these individuals may also experience other mental health issues, including eating disorders, mood and anxiety disorders, and substance use issues. 

The Personality Treatment Service at CFIR offers clients comprehensive psychological assessment and treatment of difficulties associated with personality and interpersonal functioning that create long-term challenges in their everyday functioning at school, work, or home. A comprehensive and lengthy assessment procedure is required to diagnose a personality disorder to ensure appropriate treatment planning. When personality issues are present, treatment is typically required for a lengthy period of time (i.e., up to 2 years). Clients must be motivated to change and be committed to attend regularly scheduled sessions.

Read more about our Personality Treatment Service.

by: Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

Parents often feel challenged by the shifting parenting strategies required to respond to their children’s changing developmental capacities and needs. When child-caregiver interactions meet children’s developmental needs, positive mental health outcomes are more likely in the short-term and down the road. 

Developmentally Sensitive Parenting: Child-caregiver interactions are essential to a child’s development. These interactions have a long-lasting impact on our children’s self-development, the quality of relationships with others, and their overall psychological well-being. Parenting requires sensitivity to a child’s emerging developmental needs. 

Sometimes parents are unable to respond to developmental milestones, which then affects the child’s self-development. When parenting is out of sync with these critical developmental milestones, it can be disruptive to healthy development and potentially compromise the security of the parent-child bond and the mental well-being of the child. In these circumstances, children and adolescents may begin to experience psychological symptoms and distress. Psychologists at CFIR can help you to parent in a manner that is sensitive to these developmental milestones. We help you develop strategies to respond to your children’s changing capacities and needs.

Parenting through Separation & Divorce: Parenting a child in the context of separation and divorce can be challenging. Learning how to talk to your children about separation and divorce in a developmentally-appropriate way is vital to support children to deal with this challenging life transition. Often emotional distance, anger, and hurt in the primary couple relationship will have tainted home life for an extended period before separation or divorce. Loss and grief experienced by the family breakdown and the eventual termination of the parent’s relationship have a reverberating effect on children. Learning how to deal with children during the separation and divorce process effectively supports parents and their children to ensure healthier psychological outcomes. Psychologists at CFIR can help you to address parenting issues in the context of separation and divorce, including navigating through emotionally challenging conversations associated with the various transitions involved in separation and divorce (i.e., leaving the family home, child access, co-parenting).

Co-parenting: In the aftermath of divorce, parents are often challenged to create a new parenting relationship, especially when children are young. Although the couple relationship did not work, parenting continues to be a shared responsibility. Developing an effective co-parenting strategy minimizes the impact of separation and divorce on children. Often this requires divorced parents to establish a collaborative plan of care, even though their relationship is ending. Our clinicians can help you to resolve your co-parenting conflicts and produce a satisfying co-parenting relationship in the aftermath of separation and divorce.

Step-parenting: Bringing a step-parent into a child’s world can be challenging. Often parents are unsure of how to integrate the step-parent into the child’s world. The role of the step-parent requires clarification in a manner in which the child’s relationship with both of their parents is not harmed in any way. Step-parents have a role to play in their stepchildren’s lives, but the process of integration is crucial to how this relationship will evolve. Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR are skilled in supporting you to develop a healthy blended family environment.

Read more about our Child, Adolescent & Family Psychology Service.

by: Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

The rehabilitation and health psychologists at CFIR can help you to address the psychosocial impact of pain, injuries and disabilities in your life.

Pain

Acute and chronic pain can be a serious and debilitating life issue. Pain is often associated with physical limitations that require life adjustments. Pain tends to be accompanied by a wide range of emotional issues including depressed mood, low motivation, hopelessness, grief, anger, or anxiety. In addition, we may experience problems with concentration or memory as a result of pain and low mood or anxiety. The experience of pain can have an impact on how we view our selves and our sense of autonomy, which can affect our couple, family, and work relationships.

Disability and Injuries 

Regardless of the manner in which a person is injured, whether gradually through a work-related task, or suddenly such as through a slip-and-fall or motor vehicle accident, there are a host of emotions that can occur that can affect engagement in everyday life activities (e.g., socializing). In the case of a sudden injury, a number of traumatic stress symptoms can occur, such as nightmares and flashbacks. Avoidance of important activities, such as driving, can also serve to worsen our emotional state and sense of autonomy, and affect our recovery. 

Regardless of the manner in which a person is injured, whether gradually through a work-related task, or suddenly such as through a slip-and-fall or motor vehicle accident, there are a host of emotions that can occur that can affect engagement in everyday life activities (e.g., socializing). In the case of sudden injury, a number of traumatic stress symptoms can occur, such as nightmares and flashbacks. Avoidance of important activities, such as driving, can also serve to worsen our emotional state and sense of autonomy, and affect our recovery. 

Engagement in physical treatments can be affected by emotional issues such as traumatic stress, low motivation, hopelessness, or anxiety. Considerations about returning to the workforce and how to engage in life roles (e.g., parental, couple) are important to resolve. Accessing support from friends and family can be difficult at times, resulting in the feeling that nobody understands your pain and limitations.

How We Help You

At CFIR, we help you to cope and manage your experience of pain and adapt to your injuries and disabilities. In terms of your pain, your experience of pain is influenced by our thoughts, emotional reactions, and everyday stress. Certain ways of thinking and emotionally reacting to the world can heighten the perception of pain and intensify the pain we are experiencing. Environmental stressors, relationship problems, and a lack of social support can also influence how we view our pain and limitations. We will help you to address these psychological challenges, including making lifestyle adjustments, to support you to cope with your pain. In terms of your injuries and disability, we will also help you deal with the psycho-social aspects of your injury and disability by supporting you to adapt your lifestyle and build new skills to deal with your physical incapacities. We’ll also help you deal with the grief, helpless, hopeless and anxious feelings that can accompany changes to your physical health status.

Read more about our Neuropsychology, Rehabilitation & Health Psychology Treatment Service.

Health psychologists at CFIR can help you to cope with a wide range of health concerns.  

Chronic Illness:

Individuals experiencing chronic illnesses, such as diabetes, HIV, hypertension, and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), suffer from debilitating physical symptoms that influence how they function in everyday life. Management of these medical conditions requires medication and lifestyle modifications. A psychologist can support individuals to adapt to the lifestyle changes necessary to manage chronic illness, including adhering to treatment regimens as well as dealing with the psychological and emotional aspects of the debilitating side effects of treatment or the disease itself. Often overlooked is the importance of our mental and emotional well-being in dealing with a chronic illness. Depression and anxiety can emerge as we adapt to our new medical realities. Our psychological and emotional functioning can exacerbate or worsen our experience of a chronic, manageable illness.

Life-Threatening Illness:

Individuals experiencing life-threatening illnesses experience physical health issues associated with the disease process and treatment that can influence their emotional well-being and psychological functioning. Being calm and relaxed and maintaining a positive sense of emotional well-being during medical treatments, while challenging, can buffer clients from the distress associated with medical procedures and hospitalizations. Making sense of, and coping with, the adverse emotional reactions related to uncertainty can alleviate our emotional distress during these problematic life moments. Adapting to treatment regimens and medical appointments can create emotional distress. Treatments can also affect our psychological functioning, which alters our sense of self and the world around us. Anxiety and depression can also grow out of the uncertainties of our medical circumstances.

Terminal Illness: 

Facing a terminal illness precipitates a wide range of emotional reactions, including fear, anger, sadness, and grief. Moving toward acceptance is an internal journey. The disease process and treatment of the disease can bring about debilitating side-effects, and can also affect our emotional and mental health status, and our psychological functioning. Making sense of our circumstances and lives, and dealing with the emotions associated with a terminal diagnosis can be overwhelming.

Smoking Cessation, Weight Concerns, Healthier Lifestyle: 

Whether you’re looking to quit smoking, lose a few pounds, or make healthier lifestyle choices, there are several stages one goes through to change behaviours. Whether contemplating change or actively attempting to change, maintaining healthy practices requires us to be attentive and mindful to the self and environmental triggers that stimulate us to engage in these behaviours. Learning how to manage healthy behaviours, including adopting new coping strategies to address underlying stress and emotions, is an essential component of behavioural change. When motivation to change an unhealthy behaviour wanes, deeper issues associated with self-esteem, self-worth, trauma, and abuse may also be present. Sometimes unhealthy behaviours serve as a source of soothing the self and dealing with difficult emotions from our past and present-day life. 

How We Help You:

You don’t have to be alone while struggling with the physical and psychological aspects of your condition. A health psychologist at CFIR can meet with you for a free consultation to help you better understand how he or she may support you through your journey with a health-related or lifestyle adaption. We offer clients comprehensive assessment and psychological treatment to address the psychological aspects of managing chronic, life-threatening or terminal illnesses or promoting healthy behaviours. Clinical and health psychologists at CFIR work with clients to treat a wide range of psychological issues that may emerge as we encounter challenges in our efforts to manage our physical health concerns or face life-threatening or terminal illnesses. We provide you with knowledge and emotional support to diminish your sense of isolation and to assuage distress associated with fear and hopelessness as you face challenges related to health and illness. Regarding lifestyle adaptations, we can help you manage these stages of change, deal with underlying self and relationship, or past traumatic issues, and help you to find more adaptive coping mechanisms to allow you to live the healthier life you desire.

Read more about our Neuropsychology, Rehabilitation & Health Psychology Treatment Service.

by: Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

The period prior to and during birth can create significant distress for women. Women can experience high degrees of anxiety in the period just prior to the birth of a child, whether or not a low- or high-risk pregnancy is anticipated. Learning how to cope with the distressing thoughts and emotional reactions associated with anxiety may alleviate some of these symptoms. 

During the birthing experience, some women will have frightening experiences (e.g., surgical complications, neglect or ill-treatment during or after delivery, or physical trauma as a result of a difficult delivery). Women experiencing traumatic births may feel isolated and dismissed when sharing their fearful or painful experiences. They can feel hopeless about finding others to connect to regarding what has transpired. These types of experiences can result in post-traumatic stress in the form of recurring images, flashbacks, and painful emotional memories of what transpired during their delivery. These reactions to the event need to be processed fully in order to heal.

Finally, the emotional impact of loss of a child during birth can have a devastating impact on both partners. These effects are further complicated by the post-partum physical status of the woman. Dealing with intense grief associated with the loss of a child is a difficult process for both partners. A partner’s view of him/herself, the relationship, and the future may be altered. The loss can also have an impact on emotional and physical closeness and result in relationship deterioration.

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR are skilled in addressing the post-traumatic stress associated with painful or difficult birthing experiences. We support individuals and couples in coping with the grief associated with the loss of a child. We assist individuals and couples to deal with tragic loss through education, emotional support, and processing of such traumatic experiences. We help you find a way forward during this difficult time.

Read more about our Fertility Counselling Treatment Service.

by: Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

Maintaining physical and emotional well-being during pregnancy and while preparing for birth is important. Numerous medical tests, nutritional issues, home preparations for the newborn, and other life adjustments are required. Couple partners can sometimes become anxious about managing these changes, overwhelmed by the adjustments required, and struggle to work effectively as a team to manage medical, nutritional, and lifestyle alterations associated with pregnancy. There is a multitude of tasks to attend to in preparation for birth and a newborn. For some individuals and couples, this transition can be a significant source of distress.

If pregnancy complications occur, partners can experience intense negative emotions and anxiety. Some partners have difficulties supporting each other as they try to make sense of the available medical information, and strain in the relationship may emerge at this time.

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR are well-educated about the medical, nutritional, and lifestyle alterations that are typically faced during pregnancy. We support self and partner care throughout pregnancy and work to create a solid relationship between partners during this period.

Read more about our Fertility Counselling Treatment Service.

by: Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C. Psych.

The decision to end a pregnancy can come about for many reasons (e.g., medical factors, interpersonal or sexual trauma, not feeling ready or having the desire to engage in parenthood). For some individuals, considering whether or not to end a pregnancy may come with many emotions including confusion, guilt, shame, or grief. Some individuals may have difficulties coming to terms with perceived social or family pressures. In addition, the medical process of terminating a pregnancy can be physically and emotionally difficult for some women.

This distress can add to the layers of emotional distress already experienced as a result of the decision to terminate the pregnancy. At times, difficult or conflicting emotions may not surface until after the termination has occurred. Accessing professional support can be an important means to fully process the complex feelings related to a pregnancy termination.

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR are committed to providing a safe therapeutic environment wherein each individual is respected and can feel free to fully discuss all aspects of their decision to end a pregnancy. The clinicians provide emotional support and resources to clients facing such decisions, and help them to navigate through the complex thoughts and feelings they may experience.

Read more about our Fertility Counselling Treatment Service.

Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

Pregnancy loss can be associated with a significant amount of emotional distress for a woman and her partner. Individuals may feel alone, frightened, angry, sad, grief-stricken, guilty, and shameful as a result of such an experience. The physical recovery process may occur more quickly than the time it takes to heal emotionally from a miscarriage. The loss can further negatively affect communication and intimacy in your relationship. Sexual issues may emerge due to complex feelings about the possibility of conceiving again. Working through these challenging feelings is important for healing and moving forward.

Supporting couple partners to comfort and support each other during this time is essential to emotional recovery and sustaining a strong relationship in the aftermath of loss. Moments of loss activate a deep need within us to have close emotional and physical proximity to our loved ones. We promote partners to develop closer relationships to journey through these difficult emotional experiences together. 

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR provide a compassionate and caring therapeutic relationship to support women, men, and couples to come to terms with the inner emotional reactions and meanings that can emerge during these moments of loss.

Read more about our Fertility Counselling Treatment Service.

by: Dr. Lila Z.Hakim, C.Psych.

Individuals and couples who are pursuing assisted fertility treatments experience unique challenges. The numerous considerations associated with assisted reproduction can be overwhelming. Preparing for medical procedures can also create challenges in terms of sifting through complex information, making decisions, and altering life and work schedules to facilitate treatments. Medical procedures may also be a source of distress, and can contribute to high levels of stress and anxiety. Research affirms that individuals undergoing this process experience stress and distress at levels similar to those of other serious medical conditions. These circumstances can undermine the individual’s and couple’s emotional and physical health, which also impacts the fertility treatment process.

For individuals and couples considering assisted reproduction, counselling prior to engaging in fertility treatments provides an important source of information and support to fully prepare for the process. Research has shown that many individuals and couples find fertility counselling prior to treatment to be important and helpful, even if they did not expect it to be beforehand. Whether the choice to pursue medically-assisted reproduction is related to personal or partner infertility, a same-sex relationship, or a choice to become a single parent, fertility counselling can greatly assist in preparing for forthcoming procedures and potential stressors associated with them (e.g., IUI or IVF). In the case of third-party reproduction (e.g., Donor Sperm or Egg, Surrogacy), there are many considerations to think through beforehand, such as the choice of donor or surrogate and disclosure to children in the future. 

During the course of fertility treatments, decisions about whether to continue or discontinue can also be distressing. There may be a sense of loss or grief following unsuccessful cycles. We work to assist individuals and couples in managing the course of treatment and related decisions, and openly discuss potential alternatives as individuals or couples set out to explore other ways of becoming parents.

To support you through this process, psychologists and clinicians at CFIR provide comprehensive counselling in preparation for fertility treatments in accordance with established counselling guidelines. We prepare reports and communicate with fertility clinics to assure the continuity of your care. We are also familiar with assisted reproduction and alternative options and are in a good position to support individuals and couples to prepare for and manage their fertility treatment. We also help partners cope with the intense emotional reactions and deeper meanings associated with unsuccessful fertility treatment cycles. Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR also work to improve our clients’ coping efforts and strengthen their resilience.

Read more about our Fertility Counselling Treatment Service.