as written and posted by Sue McGarvie, M.A., on sexwithsue.com

Everyone wants to feel wanted. In fact, I would even say it’s a basic need of sex to be desired by your partner. For women, it’s especially important. Many women who can feel arousal (but not desire) meaning their bodies can be turned on but they aren’t emotional feeling into sex is common phenomenon. They need to be convinced or get their sexual energy from someone else. As Psychology Today reports recently, “Most women, for instance, have a strong wish to feel sexually desired. Men also like to be desired, of course. But among the women I see in my office, it’s often much more of a “thing.”

Many women say they don’t feel any spontaneous desire for sex unless it’s stimulated by someone desiring them. As sex therapists, we would say their desire is purely “responsive.” Many women report that feeling desired is what turns them on the most.

Heterosexual human mating tends to be like traditional couples’ dancing. She needs him to ask her to dance. The dancing itself might be nice, but even more important is that he showed initiative and wanted to dance with her. 70% of men are different. They may enjoy it if their partner passionately wants to have sex with them, but they don’t particularly need to feel desired in order to get turned on. Their desire is more “spontaneous.”

But what about the 30% of men that do need their partners to express great desire in order to be turned on? I see men in my office every week who need explicit desire by their partners to get aroused.

A man like this is almost always brought to my office by his unhappy wife, who complains that he rarely, if ever, initiates sex—thus depriving her of the chance to feel turned on by his passion for her. And she’s bone tired of initiating.

He will tell me privately, that he wants her to start sex or he can’t get his mojo going.

“A heterosexual guy whose principal turn-on is to be desired finds himself in more difficult territory. Very few women are interested in consistently being the initiator.

A man like this usually learns to keep his responsive desire a secret. If he tries to explain it to a female partner, often the concept will be so foreign to her that she’ll have no idea what he’s talking about.”

It’s a challenge. 50 Shades of Grey sold millions of copies because it appealed to the very common female fantasy of being “taken”. The desire to be dominated safely is by far the most popular sexual model with women. And men who are responsive (are often the more thinking guys) feel frustrated and voiceless.

So, what do you do to solve this? It starts with communication, acceptance and negotiation. And an understanding that sex isn’t “supposed to be a certain way”. Women have been chased around the school yard by boys wanting to pull their pigtails and we expect “handsy” men. It’s certainly not what we always want (nor is it appropriate outside of consenting adults), but it’s what we expect from men. Understanding that sex is play – adult play- and not always about pounding intercourse helps get this message through. As do signals (pull an earlobe or drop a secret word) to indicate interest so that neither one is being pushed away helps with the shutdown of rejection of a partner who can’t figure out what you need to be turned on. And learning that your expectations of sex might be getting in the way.

I teach a monthly “School of Sex” series done with humour, inclusion and fantastic speakers. It allows people to sit in the back row and listen to how other people in their community think about sex – without social conventions and limiting beliefs. Really hear what turns on the men and women that live in your neighbourhood can be powerfully healing to someone who feels sexually inhibited. It’s liberating for many people not to feel alone in how they feel sexually.

And as the author of the study succinctly summarizes: If you’re a woman in a relationship with a man who doesn’t initiate sex as much as you’d like, you may want to keep in mind the possibility that he might need the same thing you do.

Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Service.

by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. & Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

Being able to communicate in an efficient and effective manner in a relationship is important. Each individual in a relationship will have his or her own feelings, needs, wants, desires, opinions, and values to share on a wide range of topics from intimacy needs, children and parenting issues, relationship to in-laws, household roles, duties and tasks, finances, and balancing life-work and family demands. Inevitably partners will have different expectations about how to address these topics. Effective communication strategies allow individuals or couple partners to be able to navigate life’s issues in a manner in which both partners feel valued, seen, and heard. Individuals or couple partners who are also equipped with conflict resolution, problem-solving, and negotiation skills are able to deal with difficult relationship moments in which there is disagreement and when problem resolution seems impossible.

When partners are distressed, they tend to fall into negative communication patterns that escalate into negative displays of emotion or withdrawals. Couples who are ill-equipped to resolve problems and are unable to negotiate, stay stuck in conflict and eventually engage in high-conflict interactions or distancing.

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR are skilled in supporting you to develop solid relationship communication skills. We help you to learn how to resolve your problems, express and assert yourself, and negotiate with others on topics of great concern to you.

The Relationship and Sex Therapy Service at CFIR offers clients comprehensive assessment, psychotherapy, and counselling to address a wide range of relationship and/or sexual issues for both individuals and couples. In terms of treatment, we offer individual, couple, and group therapy to help you to develop stronger relationships, heal relationship injuries, improve or add new relationship skills (e.g., communication, problem-solving and negotiation skills), and address sexual issues that interfere with sexual satisfaction and fulfilment, regardless of sexual orientation.

Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Treatment Service.

by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. & Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

Our ability to trust another person is core to our being able to create and sustain close intimate relationships. When we are able to trust another, we reap the emotional rewards of feeling connected to others. Trust is an antidote against any sense of isolation and non-belonging as it allows us to develop relationships in which others can be experienced in a manner that feels emotionally safe and secure. We initially learn to trust others in our relationship with our parents, then our peers, and eventually our relationship partners. Sometimes when we have difficult early relationship experiences we lose our bearings in terms of whom to trust and how to trust another person.

Trust can be eroded when we are hurt, frightened, or angered by the behaviour of those to whom we are most attached. Emotional, sexual, or physical abuse or neglect in our early years, or past and current relationships can breakdown our capacity to trust another, particularly when abuse or neglect occurred by someone who we expected to be a source of safety and security for us. At other times, betrayals and emotional injuries arising from a perceived lack of support from our relationship can also alter our sense of the other person’s reliability, dependability, and trustworthiness. Sexual and emotional affairs, betrayals, and emotional injuries in close couple relationships also erode and create serious ruptures to the attachment bond between partners. These types of emotional injuries in our family of origin and our relationships with friends and partners can leave emotional residue. These injuries then become triggers that are activated in our relationships and that block us from feeling safe and secure with others.

We help you to learn how to trust again in the aftermath of different types of incidents that have eroded your trust in relationships. 

The Couples Therapy Service at CFIR offers clients comprehensive assessment, psychotherapy, and counselling to address a wide range of relationship and/or sexual issues for both individuals and couples. In terms of treatment, we offer individual, couple, and group therapy to help you to develop stronger relationships, heal relationship injuries, improve or add new relationship skills (e.g., communication, problem-solving and negotiation skills), and address sexual issues that interfere with sexual satisfaction and fulfilment, regardless of sexual orientation.

Read more about our Couples Therapy Service.

by: Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych. & Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.

Sexuality is an essential part of who we are. At CFIR, we promote healthy sexuality. A crucial first step is to ensure that individuals and couples have access to accurate information about sex and how our bodies work, and an understanding of the physical (e.g., contraception, sexually-transmitted infections) and emotional risks involved in expressing ourselves sexually. Healthy sexuality also suggests being comfortable with ourselves (i.e., liking our bodies, finding ourselves attractive, being aware of and accepting our desires and fantasies, feeling capable sexually, knowing our sexual boundaries and asserting our limits), being able to experience sexually arousing feelings, communicating our sexual desires, and engaging in satisfying intimate-sexual relations with others. 

Sexuality, however, can also be a source of great distress. Distress can occur when we do not have accurate knowledge or information or are experiencing sexual functioning problems or sexual and pornography addictions. Some of our sexual issues flow from a lack of, or inaccurate, learning about how our bodies actually function, or distress over fears of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. A lack of knowledge can create anxiety about decisions and choices and sexual expressions. 

Sexual functioning problems related to desire, arousal, and orgasm are also a source of emotional distress for individuals and couples. The causes of such issues are vast. Sexual functioning is affected by a wide range of organic, biological, and medical issues, as well as social, cultural, and psychological factors. Some of us become overly consumed by negative thoughts and emotional reactions about oneself (e.g., our bodies, genitalia, sexual performance), or our sexual partner. We may also engage in relationship or sexual patterns that diminish arousal and the desire or interest in sex. Some individuals experience sexual pain or other difficulties during sexual intercourse due to a complex blend of physical or psychological factors. 

Some individuals will struggle with sexual or pornography addictions, including the use of internet porn, massage parlours, or risky sexual encounters. In these situations, individuals and their relationship partners may experience significant distress. Sexual functioning issues, regardless of their origins, can block an individual and couples from experiencing positive feelings, such as joy and pleasure, within the sexual aspect of the relationship. Sexual issues can also spill over into other aspects of the relationship, including emotional and physical intimacy. 

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR have published research and theoretical articles in peer-reviewed journals, and written book chapters in the area of couple and sex therapy. We help you by providing a comprehensive psychological assessment to help you understand the causes of your sexual difficulties and then develop the most appropriate treatment plan to address underlying causes. We are well-informed about contraception, sexually transmitted infections, and the physical aspects of sexual functioning, and the psycho-social issues associated with these topics. We also support clients to develop sexual authenticity by helping them to clarify desires and remove blocks to the expression and assertion of their sexual needs in relationships. We also help to resolve sexual functioning issues to restore one’s sexuality as a source of joy, sensuous pleasure, and connection. 

The Sex Therapy Treatment Service at CFIR offers clients comprehensive assessment, psychotherapy, and counselling to address a wide range of relationship and/or sexual issues for both individuals and couples. Regarding treatment, we offer individual, couple, and group therapy to help you to develop stronger relationships, heal relationship injuries, improve or add new relationship skills (e.g., communication, problem-solving and negotiation skills), and address sexual issues that interfere with sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, regardless of sexual orientation. 

Read more about our Sex Therapy Treatment Service. 

by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych. & Dr. Lila Z. Hakim, C.Psych.

“When communication breaks down, unprocessed negative emotions accumulate.” 

Emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy can be considered essential components of adult attachment bonds. Our capacity to engage in an intimate manner contributes to our ability to form and maintain mutually satisfying, long-term relationships. Emotional intimacy allows partners to feel seen, heard, and understood. Emotional closeness is core to developing satisfying couple physical and sexual intimacy.

When partners feel emotionally close, physical touch and sexual contact seem less threatening and more rewarding. A solid emotional connection allows individuals to be present and engage moment-by-moment in encounters involving intimate physical and sexual contact. Within this context, more intimate, arousing, pleasurable, and erotic encounters are then possible. On the other hand, when partners lack emotional closeness, they feel distanced or engage in circular, escalating conflicts as they strive to be understood and have their needs met by the other. Negative feelings and emotions begin to accumulate when partners are unable to intimately engage.

In some cases, a partner may fear intimacy, or lack the skills to engage in an intimate manner about their feelings, needs or desires, or lack knowledge about how to respond to the other’s feelings. When communication breaks down, unprocessed negative emotions accumulate. Unable to process their feelings and needs, partners engage in rigid, negative patterns with one another. They begin to distance from each other, experience separation fears, and engage in high-conflict exchanges in their effort to protect themselves from the growing sense of disconnection in the relationship.

Psychologists and clinicians at CFIR help individuals and couple partners learn how to identify, express, and assert their selves in their relationships to others. We also support individuals and partners on how to exit from difficult relationship patterns and become more accessible and responsive to one another. Healthy relationship and sexual functioning are important in maintaining a good sense of ourselves. Both our physical and mental well-being is improved when we have the ability to create and sustain intimate relationships with others both outside and inside the bedroom. In fact, research affirms that many individuals struggle in their efforts to maintain relationship and sexual satisfaction throughout their lives, and that dissatisfaction in these areas of life can have an impact on our mental and physical health.

Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Treatment Service.

by: Darcy Minick, M.A. and Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.

Welcome to our blog on Relationships and Sex. In this blog, we will be sharing information about building a more fulfilling sexual relationship.

In a previous blog on Sex and Attachment, we explained how sex can be viewed as an attachment behaviour, and how our attachment style can affect how we engage emotionally and sexually with others. How we are attached to our partners has an impact on how we experience sex in our relationships. Our physical desire for our partners increases when we feel safe, secure and connected. An emotional connection is often viewed as an aphrodisiac. So first things first – a rich and fulfilling erotic life starts well before we hit the sheets! Our sexual relationship can also deepen our sense of connection to our partner, and allow us to feel better about ourselves and our relationship. Sex
can be a place of connection and healing as well. We have to be securely connected to our partners, both inside and outside the bedroom.

When we are securely attached to our partners outside and inside the bedroom, we are freer to talk about ourselves – our thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and preferences. We can talk about our sexual ‘self’ in a more open and candid manner without feeling fear, discomfort, shame or guilt. Secure attachment also allows us to be able to bear witness to our partner’s emotional and sexual world – and to celebrate and cherish our partner’s sexual being. We are better able to process negative emotions experienced and/or associated with all aspects of emotional, physical and sexual intimacy, and to join our partners in more positive emotional experiences of joy and excitement involved in exploring
ourselves, and each other, and engage in sexual exploration and play. Being able to connect to our partner’s emotional and sexual experience inside and outside the bedroom leads to more connected interactions and improves our chances of having more “better sex”! The more “better sex” – the more connected – the more you desire sex.

Here are a few factors that you need to consider to create a more secure, richer, erotic life with your partner: 

• Emotional Connection and Better Sex:The relationship must be a safe haven. With a safe, secure connection, partners can risk exploring their own, and their partner’s sexual world … we are close enough and safe enough, to attune to our partner’s feelings and experience, as opposed to being focused on sex as a performance and task simply to relieve tension, please our partners, or gain their reassurance and approval. When our connection is not secure, attachment fears and general negative emotional distress in a relationship can dampen sexual passion, and hamper sexual curiosity and exploration.

• Accessing Erotic Potentials: Learning about ourselves and our partners sexual “hot spots”, and risking sharing and exploring these hot spots requires an environment of trust and respect. Many of us long to discover our true selves – to go inward and come in touch with deeper passions and erotic interests – to be courageous enough to diminish anxiety by reducing shame and guilt about finding our desires, passions and owning our sexual selves; ultimately integrating these deeper sexual interests into the fabric of our sexual relationships. Eroticism is about finding our own hot spots and stimulating our partners psychologically – meeting them in their hot spots during sex – joining them in their sexual world of play.

• Exotic is Erotic: Less exploration of our sexual selves, less novelty – the less desire we have for sex. Sexual routine, or sex that is offered from a place of duty, dampens sexual desire. Again, we need to feel safe to have fun, and safe to explore ourselves, find something new in or selves, to be able to then try something new with our partners. Novelty is important as it increases dopamine, which increases androgen levels … as Marvin Gaye said, Sex “is good for us”. Fun, interesting sex may be even better. Novelty creates that excitement and desire, and keeps everyone interested. For some of us, our partners sexual differences – what’s exotic to us – can be exciting places of exploration.

• Mindful Sexual Presence and Embodiment: When we are emotionally safe – peaceful and relaxed inside – we can become present – really present – to sensation, touch, and the moment. When we are embodied (“of the body”), we are aware of sensations, sexual desires, feelings and wants, and are able to follow the flow of these sensations and strivings, the essence of a good sexual experience.

At the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships, a therapist can help you find and create a more fulfilling sex life by working with you individually and/or as a couple. A therapist can help you understand your sexual desires, emotional reactions and needs, and help you communicate these to your partner more effectively. A therapist can also help you learn how to respond to your partner’s desires, feelings and wants to help you build a more secure and satisfying sexual relationship. A therapist can help you to create greater security in your relationship – and then facilitate sexual growth and intimacy.

Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Treatment Service.

by: Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych and Dr. Marie-Pierre Fontaine-Paquet, Psy.D., C.Psych.

Are you struggling with sex in your relationships

How you relate to your partners sexually is affected by how you relate to each other outside of sex.

In the CFIR blog post ‘Anxiety and Your Relationships’, we describe how attachment theory may help you to understand your experience of your self and others in your relationships. We also talk about the concept of attachment style, which includes ways of seeing your self (“Am I worthy of love and care?”) and others (“Are you there for me, will you respond when I need you?”) in your close relationships. Sex can be viewed as an attachment behavior, and thus your attachment style affects how you engage in sex. Attachment anxiety and avoidance can interfere with enjoying sex and creating an enriching and fulfilling erotic life.

If you are anxiously attached, you might have doubts about your self-worth and attractiveness, and about your partner’s availability to meet your feelings and needs. Sex can be a way to obtain reassurance about these things – about whether your partner finds you beautiful or sexy, and about whether your partner loves you, cares about you and wants to be close to you. When sex is a way for you to obtain reassurance and to soothe your deep fears about your self or your relationship, you may become demanding and critical of partners when they do not respond to you sexually in the ways that you hoped.

If you are avoidantly attached, you might find it difficult to be close to your partner during sex because you fear rejection by your partner. You might tend to keep more distance during sex and be more focused on tasks and duties, and on performing in such a way that is pleasing to your partner. It might be difficult for you to access your true desires, feelings, and needs and to share these with your partner. You might also struggle with understanding and being attuned to your partner’s feelings and needs when you are so focused on performance and tasks during sex.

When sex becomes a place filled with fear, it may be difficult for both partners to be in touch with, explore and share their erotic potentials and all that sex has to offer.

Here are some tips on how to deal with attachment anxiety and avoidance during sex:

For the anxiously attached:

• If you have doubts about your self-worth and attractiveness, start working on nurturing a more positive relationship with yourself and your body – as opposed to overly relying on your partner’s responses to reassure you. Try to explore what makes you feel sexy and nurture these parts of yourself.
• Try not to over-interpret your partner’s cues as being related to you, how much they care about you and your relationship. Learn to calm yourself and to take a step back to notice all of the other factors that may be influencing your partner’s responses to you.

For the avoidantly attached:

• Develop more awareness of your true desires, feelings, and needs. Try to take a risk to share these with your partner and talk about what interests and excites you in sex – instead of avoiding taking risks by distancing yourself during sex or even avoiding sex altogether.
• Learn to be more present to your own and your partner’s desires, feelings, and needs during sex. Recognize when you are distancing from yourself and your partner, and remember that the more you distance, the more you can create distress in your relationship.

A psychologist can:

• help you find and create a more fulfilling sex life by working with you individually and/or as a couple.
• assess your attachment style and its impact on your sex life, help you understand your sexual desires, emotional reactions, and needs, and help you communicate these to your partner more effectively.
• help you learn how to respond to your partner’s desires, feelings and needs to help you build a more secure and satisfying sexual relationship.

Especially when couples feel stuck in constant negative interactions as a result of fears that block sexual fulfillment and erotic exploration, a psychologist can help you better understand these moments and help you create more security in your relationship. Over time, sex can feel less dangerous and become a space to explore and connect in movement, touch and shared emotions of excitement and joy.

Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Treatment Service.