by: Darcy Minick, M.A. and Dr. Dino Zuccarini, C.Psych.
Welcome to our blog on Relationships and Sex. In this blog, we will be sharing information about building a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
In a previous blog on Sex and Attachment, we explained how sex can be viewed as an attachment
can be a place of connection and healing as well. We have to be securely connected to our partners, both inside and outside the bedroom.
When we are securely attached to our partners outside and inside the bedroom, we are freer to talk about ourselves – our thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and preferences. We can talk about our sexual ‘self’ in a more open and candid manner without feeling fear, discomfort, shame or guilt.
ourselves, and each other, and engage in sexual exploration and play. Being able to connect to our partner’s emotional and sexual experience inside and outside the bedroom leads to more connected interactions and improves our chances of having more “better sex”! The more “better sex” – the more connected – the more you desire sex.
Here are a few factors that you need to consider to create a more secure, richer, erotic life with your partner:
- Emotional Connection and Better Sex:The relationship must be a safe haven. With a safe, secure connection, partners can risk exploring their own, and their partner’s sexual world … we are close enough and safe enough, to attune to our partner’s feelings and experience, as opposed to being focused on sex as a performance and task simply to relieve tension, please our partners, or gain their reassurance and approval. When our connection is not secure, attachment fears and general negative emotional distress in a relationship can dampen sexual passion, and hamper sexual curiosity and exploration.
- Accessing Erotic Potentials: Learning about ourselves and our
partners sexual “hot spots”, and risking sharing and exploring these hot spots requires an environment of trust and respect. Many of us long to discover our true selves – to go inward and come in touch with deeper passions and erotic interests – to be courageous enough to diminish anxiety by reducing shame and guilt about finding our desires, passions and owning our sexual selves; ultimately integrating these deeper sexual interests into the fabric of our sexual relationships. Eroticism is about finding our own hot spots and stimulating our partners psychologically – meeting them in their hot spots during sex – joining them in their sexual world of play.
- Exotic is Erotic: Less exploration of our sexual selves, less novelty – the less desire we have for sex. Sexual routine, or sex that is offered from a place of duty, dampens sexual desire. Again, we need to feel safe to have fun, and safe to explore ourselves, find something new in or selves, to be able to then try something new with our partners. Novelty is important as it increases dopamine, which increases androgen levels … as Marvin Gaye said, Sex “is good for us”. Fun, interesting sex may be even better. Novelty creates that excitement and
desire, and keeps everyone interested. For some of us, ourpartners sexual differences – what’s exotic to us – can be exciting places of exploration.
- Mindful Sexual Presence and Embodiment: When we are emotionally safe – peaceful and relaxed inside – we can become present – really present – to sensation, touch, and the moment. When we are embodied (“of the body”), we are aware of sensations, sexual desires, feelings and wants, and are able to follow the flow of these sensations and strivings, the essence of a good sexual experience.
At the Centre for Interpersonal Relationships, a therapist can help you find and create a more fulfilling sex life by working with you individually and/or as a couple. A therapist can help you understand your sexual desires, emotional reactions
Read more about our Relationship & Sex Therapy Treatment Service.